Recreating Capt Bligh's 'Bounty' voyage - Brit mutineers
A group of men attempting to recreate the epic 7,000 km (4,350 mile) voyage of Captain William Bligh have had an embarrassing setback, one of their crew has mutinied! The would be mutineer, 18-year-old Brit Christopher 'Ginger' Wilde, disappeared...
Read full storyPeaches Geldof Becomes Organ Donor
Global model and international socialite Peaches Geldof, 15, the daughter of gnarled curmudgeon and professional beggar Bob Geldof, 98, has become an organ donor, a source close to unemployment revealed to the Daily Figment, yesterday, writes Bertram...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson: Kristen Stewart Did Not Chew Lindsay Lohan's Carpet
The increasing prevalence of media articles claiming that moody Twilight sex-symbol Kristen Stewart is a rug-muncher have angered her gothic stud co-star and intimate friend Robert Pattinson so much that he has been moved to issue a denial of the rum...
Read full storyScientists prove having a low I.Q. means you won't be able to read this
A team of researchers from the University of Chipping Sodbury have today published their findings about how having a low I.Q. means you won't be able to read this article. The boffins admit that if you do have a low I.Q. then you might just about...
Read full storyDancing With The Stars' British Judge Len Goodman Fined For Wearing The Ugliest Shirt on Earth
HOLLYWOOD - In an unprecedented move Dancing With The Stars has fined British judge Len Goodman $4,000 for wearing what they said to be the most gawd-awfullest shirt in the history of shirts. Bernadette Penderlicki, the show's executive producer,...
Read full storyOutsider Nick Seeks Election Victory By Tackling Iceland
Nick Guffin, leader of the New Order England Party has promised action against Iceland as the keynote of a campaign to defeat the three major runners in the UK elections. Speaking from party headquarters, Guffin, 42, says; "Clegg has shown it i...
Read full storyMount Everest Slightly Taller After "Death Zone" Cleanup Effort
KATHMANDU, Nepal - Twenty Nepali climbers perished at the peak of Mount Everest this week after removing several decades of accumulated debris from the upper mountain in a record-breaking high altitude clean-up campaign, authorities said Tuesday.
Read full storyUKIP's Nigel Farage vows to dump Scotland from the Union
London - (Hustings): "Our new policy is to dump Scotland from the Union," UKIP ex-leader Nigel Farage told bewlidered prospective voters today. "In this we're light years ahead of fetid Scottish Nationalists who want to secede from the Union. "...
Read full storyRacism and Genocide Celebrate 150th Birthday. Royal Society Slams Expose: 'Origin of the Feces and the Ascent of the Vidalia Onion'
One hundred and fifty years ago today science betrayed Sir Isaac Newton and his empirical fact based methodology, assassinated God and embraced the concept of self serving visual evidence. As a direct result Racism, Genocide and Bestiality have flour...
Read full storyNutty Iranien cleric blames earthquakes on Iranian promiscuous women showing too many hairy armpits!
A loony Iranian Cleric has accused young promiscuous Iranian females for causing earthquakes in Iran! The slightly disturbed cleric named, Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi (says it all actually) claims that when Iranian women show their hairy, unshaven...
Read full storyAdrian Chiles: Is Volcanic Ash to Blame?
Adrian Chiles shock move from the BBC to ITV may have been caused by volcanic ash. This is the hypothesis being put forward by Professor Stig O'Toole of the Institute for Television Studies at Milton Keynes. Professor O'Toole examined the case in...
Read full story"I'm Trying To Think, But Nothing Happens": The Three Stoogettes From California, Pelosi, Feinstein And Boxer
Today, Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein and Barbara Boxer opened up a three prong attack against America. Resorting to tactics first used back in the 1930's by Larry, Moe and Curly of the Three Stooges, their present day counterparts, Nancy, Diane an...
Read full storyAs the World Spins: The Boyle Family Saga
London -- The producers of Masterpiece Theatre Classic announced plans today to produce a new series entitled 'As the World Spins: The Boyle Family Saga.' "We have never done this genre of drama before, but we feel a story ripped from today's he...
Read full storyDancing Derek Hough To Join 'Strictly' To Get Closer To Cheryl Cole - Ashley Seething
A source speaking from close to the bar in The Nag's Head public house in the West End tipped me off today that Dancing Derek Hough is all set to drop everything and come to London to take up residence on Strictly Come Dancing - in order to allow him...
Read full story23rd James Bond film delayed as Austin Powers is too expensive
The 23rd James Bond has been delayed because of the recession and movie-maker's failure to reach the soaring financial demands of the "Spy who shagged me" (who?) Originally Daniel Craig was planned to continue but was booted out after being too br...
Read full storyDancing With The Stars: Kate "Graceless" Gosselin May Be Dancing Her Swan Song
HOLLYWOOD - Taxes are certain. Ann Coulter's sarcasm is certain. Peyton Manning touchdown passes are certain. And another thing that is certain is that Kate Gosselin, aka "King Kate," aka "Madam Obnoxious," aka "Graceless" Gosselin will not end up...
Read full storyLiverpool set off on marathon trip to Atletico Madrid
Liverpool have begun their 1,200-mile journey to Spain for Thursday's Europa League semi-final with Atletico Madrid, on camels. With the volcanic ash cloud continuing to cause travel chaos across northern Europe, the Reds have been forced to aband...
Read full storySexy Kim Kardashian Caught Up In Cat Flap
Sexy model Kim Kardashian found herself at the centre of another storm in a D-cup yesterday after holding a kitten up in the air by the scruff of the neck for a photo shoot. The treatment was branded as 'cruel and unusual' by activists, but Ms Kar...
Read full storyDramatic plans to get stranded Brits abroad back
Prime Minister - Gordon Brown unveiled today along with his emergency committee COBRA (Cabinet Office Briefing Room and A) that 'drastic' decisions where being made to rescue and return stranded Brits. Apart from already deploying Navy boats to r...
Read full storyAmerican Idol's Tatiana Del Toro Rumored To Be One of Jesse James' Cycle Chicks
LA HABRA, California - Puerto Rican born Tatiana Del Toro who appeared on season eight of American Idol was having a Number 3 Deluxe Mexican Enchilada Dinner at Paquito & Paquitas Casa De Enchiladas when she was asked about the rumor that is pres...
Read full storyMore Volcanic Ash On Its Way As Volcano Continues To Erupt
More volcanic ash is, indeed, on its way heading for Europe and parts of Canada as the Iceland Volcano, with the funny name, continues to erupt. Precautions MUST be taken in order to safeguard our health and environment. People who hang out their washing to dry, are asked not to do so until the 'volcanic ash warning' is lifted. Leaving it out on the washing lines will cause it to attract t...
Read full storySusan Boyle was not seen in a clutch in a New York Coffee Shop
Rumours circulating in the US based, gutter, press about the singer Susan Boyle are not true according to her spokesman. It is alleged that Miss Boyle was seen in a close clutch with an unnamed gentleman in the exclusive Red Room of a branch of Co...
Read full storyTaylor Swift Says She is Sick and Tired of The Kelli Pickler Rumors
LAFAYETTE, Louisiana - Nineteen-year-old Taylor Swift had just finished performing her concert show at The Bayou Mosquito Auditorium when she was once again asked about her relationship with Kelli Picker. Swift, took a deep breath and said that sh...
Read full story"Rotten" Booze Ban Girl Told "Your Vagina Probably Stinks To High Heaven Too!"
A local Judge of The Mutton this morning told booze ban girl, 22 year old Heidi Hole that she represented everything that was corrupt and rotten in our society. Adding for good measure that her vagina probably stinks to high heaven too, comparing...
Read full storyDr. Kevorkian recommends Hara Kiri
"If you are in a lot of pain from a life ending misery don't take a bunch of sissy pills, commit Hara Kiri like a real samurai" were the opening words by Dr. Kevorkian at the 'Mercenaries for Hire' Convention held in Las Vegas this week. The audienc...
Read full storyGeoff Boycott's Corridor of Uncertainty
Dear Geoff My life is a mess. The girl I love doesn't even notice me. I've had to quit my job because everyone thinks I'm crap. I grew a beard but I look like a twat. I feel so lonely. Please help me Geoff. I have nowhere left to go. I feel like I'm running out of time. Adrian, West Bromwich Well, lad you are in a mess. Running out? I know all about that. Just ask Derek Randall. If y...
Read full storyKate Gosselin Eying Federal Assistance After Being Booted from DWTS
You can see it in her eyes. The fight is fading from Kate Gosselin. She seems to finally be getting it. She can't dance, she can't sing, and as for acting, the only thing she seems to be good at is a theatrical rant and rave here or there or a teary-...
Read full storyThe Bleeping Veep
When a microphone recently picked up Vice President Joe Biden telling the President that, "this is a big f***ing deal", many Americans at last felt a connection with one of it's top leaders it hasn't felt since Bill stained Monica's dress. Biden's connection to Americans was in fact deeper than those made by G.W. Bush to babbling illiterates and Cheney to hateful war mongers. If not just for t...
Read full storyRead My Hands, No More Teleprompters
Former GOP vice-presidential candidate and now FOX News commentator, Sarah Palin is rolling up her sleeves. Not so that she can get to work helping people like Joe the Plumber, but rather so she can read the notes scribbled on her hands. What kind of notes, you ask? Well, after reviewing literally minutes of film footage of Ms. Palin's appearances at campaign rallies, interviews, and debates,...
Read full storyTiger Woods: The 21st Century Golfer
Who said most professional golfers are fat ugly drunks who deal with their sexual frustrations by whacking the shit out of a golf ball? Actually, I did, but Tiger has certainly changed my perception. Perhaps Tiger represents the 21st Century golfer - a slimmer more muscular fellow, who is still ugly (he looks like the child of Minnie Mouse and Nat King Cole), but much more strategic about...
Read full storyThe Jon Gosselin - Sean Penn Sit-Com "The Little Peckers of Peoria County" Has Been Cancelled
HOLLYWOOD - The Ryder Bittermelon and Salisbury Cardoon situation comedy The Little Peckers of Peoria County starring Jon Gosselin and Sean Penn has been abruptly cancelled after only two weeks. The Fox Network said that they had no choice but to...
Read full storyWynonna Judd Again Does Not Win A Damn Thing At The Country Music Award Show
LAS VEGAS - And the winner is...well it sure ain't big old Wynonna Judd. Once again another CMA show has come and gone and once again Naomi's little girl (figuratively speaking of course) did not win a damn thing. Wynonna who was once 50 percent o...
Read full storySandra Bullock Might Consider Selling Her Best Actress Oscar
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Rumours abound that one of Sandra Bullock's closest friends, comedian George Lopez has remarked to fellow Hispanic Salma Hayek that Bullock might be contemplating selling the Academy Award she recently received for Best Actress for...
Read full storyCelebrity Apprentice: Donald Trump Body Slams Wrestler Goldberg Right Off The Show
NEW YORK CITY - Well Sharon "The Sniffle Skank" Osbourne finally decided to return to The Celebrity Apprentice after missing two shows with what she called a case of the 'flu bug.' Donald Trump told his daughter Ivanka that he personally feels tha...
Read full storyTomatoes Found to Cause Catsup Stains
In a shocking announcement by the International Tomato Board, the root cause for catsup stains was discovered after years of intensive research, and found to be linked to the actual pigment of the tomato. It was quite a shock for our whole researc...
Read full storyTop Gear Trashy Travellers Tales
The "Top Gear" trio of twats, Hammond, May and Clarkson are not happy chappies. Shouting, as usual, Hammond, who makes up for his petiteness by shouting louder than anyone else declared, "This can't be right, these stranded tourists have got better s...
Read full storyVulcanologists to arrive on tonight's delayed Space Shuttle
The Space Shuttle Landing has been delayed until 10:23 am on 21 April 2010. Mission Control said that the delay was to allow a team of Vulcanologist, lead by Dr Spock, to transport themselves to Iceland as the Shuttle comes into orbit. A spokes...
Read full storyHistory's celebrities line up for Labour
Both Labour and the Conservatives today wheeled out a host of historical figures to back their election campaigns and warn about the dangers of a Liberal Democrat win. In an open letter to the Guardian, some of the top figures from the school hist...
Read full storyNobody Expects the Spanish Preposition!
The decade of the "Con" is upon us. Ignore the Spanish translation meaning "with". We're not talking about Chili Con Carne' here, but rather something infinitely more evil and just as caustic to the bowels. The simple art of the financial Con. Nobo...
Read full storyNick Clegg denies Sam Cam baby paternity
London - (Lead-In-Yer-Pencil-Mate): Slipping easily into election pole position this week the Lib Dem leader brushed aside claims he might have given the Tory campaign a useful legover - er, leg up! - makeover. Clegg, 43, famously touted his mascu...
Read full storyJon & Kate Sex Feud Heats Up as Couple Swaps Intimate Details on Marriage!
Following exposure concerning his 'wee winky' revealed by one his nubile playmates, wife Kate Gosselin continued the thread confirming the report and revealing her pet nick name for her ex husband Jon: Stubby! Jon was quick to retort commenting o...
Read full storyThai army ready to use live ferrets against Man Utd fans
The Thai army has made explicit its determination to use live ferrets against Manchester United fans in certain circumstances. An army spokesman told a regular news briefing that troops were ready to use their stoat-like arsenal "decisively". T...
Read full storyJoint UK/US Everest Expedition Places Man On Summit
Confirmation just in that team US member A. Rodriguez, fightin' tooth and nail out of San Antonio, Texas, stood on the summit of Everest this morning at 02:32 GMT - the first successful summit attempt this climbing season, and the esteemed mountainee...
Read full storyCuban cardinal - "Worst crises in recent times"
Jaime Ortega, the head of the Catholic Church in Cuba said today "It is in one of its worst crises in recent times, er.. Cuba, not the church." The 73-year-old prelate continued by saying that "People are openly talking about the deficiencies in t...
Read full storyLady Gaga wants to perform in Iceland wearing fiery headgear
Lady Gaga announced today that she wants to perform in Iceland, wearing fiery headgear on stage. Gaga hopes to ad an Iceland, date to her latest tour which means she could appear in Reykjavik, complete with her fiery headgear. Gaga reckons that Ic...
Read full storyChain Smoker Ashley Ash found dead
Chain Smoker Ashley Ash has been found dead in his small flat in Ashford in Kent, his body had lay undiscovered for months. A forensic expert commented that Ashley, was a chain smoker and had smoked constantly for more than thirty years. In the...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart have a cloud over their heads
Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart have a cloud hanging over their heads and are unable to travel at present. The Cloud of Volcanic ash from Iceland, has caused the cancellation of all airports in England, at present and this has stopped them fro...
Read full storyShock: Terror Group Use UK As Ashtray
In a shock announcement al-Qaeda have claimed responsibility for the Icelandic volcano eruption that has caused havoc to the travel industry, and stranded thousands of people over the last few days. Jimmy Al'Babar Quaseerie, spokesman for the terr...
Read full storyJames Bond needs Goldfinger to Finance new James Bond Movie
Work on the new James Bond film has been suspended indefinitely due to MGM,s Debt and there is no guarantee that the Movie will be made at all. One of Bonds greatest villian's Goldfinger is now needed urgently to finance the new Movie, but Goldfin...
Read full storySomeday I'll Fly Away
Stranded passengers at Heathrow Airport, have got together at the Airport to sing the song "Someday I'll Fly Away" as the ban on flights continues with all flights still suspended due to the volcanic ash cloud from the volcano which erupted in Icela...
Read full storySalou turned into a Loo
In the Spanish seaside resort of Salou, 70 miles from Barcelona, a British student holiday company has launched the first of their annual Saloufest, events and last week 4000 students from Universities all over the UK, descended to drink as much Sang...
Read full storySelena Gomez Would Love To Work With Cheryl Cole On Tweenie Project
In another soul destroyingly mundane Hollywood press release, red hot teen idol Selena Gomez has stated that she would love to work with UK icon Cheryl Cole on a teen driven project. Providing Cole doesn't go on too much about soccer being the gre...
Read full storyAl Gore Declares Consensus on Theory of Evolution
Creationists were up in arms yesterday as Nobel Prize winner, Al Gore, declared that the debate on evolution was finally over. A spokesman for the Climate Change Crusader, Mr Gore said, "All the top scientists in the world have now agreed that ev...
Read full storyNoddy arrested for Drunk Driving
Noddy was arrested today for Drink Driving, after he drove his car into a tree after drinking several pints of cider. Big Ears, said he heard the noise of the crash as Noddy crashed into a tree near his house in Toyland. Meanwhile Paul Hutton,...
Read full storyFined: Local Man Talks C.R.A.P
The air was turned blue in a small corner of South West England this afternoon when a war of words took place between a startled local and Jimmy Creegan, chairman of the Campaign for Reliably Accurate Phrases. Eyewitness and postman Bobby Nudgekis...
Read full storyAdrian Chiles Affair Nothing To Do With Christine Bleakley
Christine Bleakley's biggest fan told a packed press conference this morning that the sudden defection from the BBC by One Show co-presenter Adrian Chiles was nothing to do with the Irish sex symbol. Who is allegedly 'seeing' Chelsea ace Frank Lam...
Read full storyNick Clegg Is The Son Of A Banker
Following his unprecedented levels of success in the public popularity stakes in the wake of the live televised Leadership Debate, the big guns have been sharpening the knives in preparation for a scathing counter offensive, with the sole intention o...
Read full storyPorn industry blocks NHS sperm donor plans
The Secretary of State for Health, Andy Burnham, has lashed out at the porn industry after research showed it was a major hindrance to NHS plans to pay cash incentives for sperm donations. "The industry thinks only of its profits and is apparentl...
Read full storyBill Wymans' ex-wife calls for sexual consent age to be raised.
Mandy Smith, Bill Wyman's ex-wife has called for sexual consent age to be raised. She says this is because SHE wasn't ready for an adult relationhip with the 'Rolling Stones rocker' when she was aged 13. DUH! give me a break. At 13 I was still playing with my dolls. Some of the girls I went to school with WERE having sex at 14, 15 etc. This is the serious side of me coming out now. Yes...
Read full storyDepraved pensioners forced to take desperate measures
Many desperate pensioners living well below the poverty line have decided to use a different tack after being totally ignored by their elected socialist betters despite their many entreaties over the decades, for a fair deal. Buy a fake Romainian passport for about twenty quid, a pair of dark bushy eyebrows from any reputable joke shop and a tin of light tan shoe polish for the swarthy alien co...
Read full storyKatie Price: I'm With Nick Clegg
Global super-boob, Katie Price, has exclusively revealed her latest-must-know political and personal intentions. Speaking in Egypt at her daily Price conference Katie announced, "I can EXCLUSIVELY reveal I've had enough of Alex and will be ditchin...
Read full storyAslan to bid to run East Coast mainline for no profit
Narnia's lion, Aslan, is planning to put in a bid to run a main railway line as a not-for-profit business. The East Coast mainline which runs from London to Scotland via Leeds was nationalised last year after being run by Sauron and the Nine Rider...
Read full storyMovie News: "Tea Party - Rise of a Million Hitlers"
HOLLYWOOD - Sources indicate an October movie release for a documentary on the "amazing, irrefutable, and shocking" similarities between Hitler and the Tea Party protestors. The tag line with the highest focus group rating has been "If a million Hitl...
Read full story"Vacations are a Human Right", EU Demands Admiralty Seize UK Flagged Cruise Ships to Provide Free Holidays for "Underprivileged!"
Following a new EU Edict by Minister Antonio Tajani, appointed as EU Commissioner of Enterprise by Silvio Berlusconi, the Admiralty was mulling over demands that they seize all UK flagged cruise ships and make them available for 'Free Holidays" for...
Read full storyOctomom Kate Gosselin's Uterus Falls out During 'Dancing With the Scars'
Taking full advantage of what will certainly be a short Hollywood career Kate Gosselin, of 'Kate and Eight' fame, suffered the most humiliating and hilarious of fates during a live broadcast. The scheme was to capitalize on her recent fame and th...
Read full storyPresident Obama Blames Republicans for Iceland Ash
In strict violation of the unwritten code of political ethics (yes that is an oxymoron) Obama railed on Republicans during his weekend radio address for everything from the potential 2011 lockout of NFL players to the volcanic eruption in Iceland tha...
Read full storyHealth Secretary Andrew Burnham Ambushed by Lorena Bobbit
What began as a routine procedure at Trafford Hospital turned into a bloody awful scene for Health Secretary Andrew Burnham when a staff member of the facility relived past glory. Mr. Burnham visited the out patient sector in order to have a vasectom...
Read full storyKatie Price To Have Her Breasts Tattooed With Pattinson - Stewart Faces?
Unconfirmed reports here this morning appear to suggest that in an effort to rejuvenate her sensuality, Katie Price is to have tattoos of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart done on her tits. My man on the inside, eccentric British film director,...
Read full storyIs This The End For Robert Pattinson And Kristen Stewart?
After being the subjects of intense scrutiny, massive curiosity and global fascination for months now, media watchers are predicting that the star in Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart's firmament is about to go nova and die out in a massive eclips...
Read full story