Fined: Local Man Talks C.R.A.P

Written by Nick Hobbs

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

image for Fined: Local Man Talks C.R.A.P
A C.R.A.P spokesman today.

The air was turned blue in a small corner of South West England this afternoon when a war of words took place between a startled local and Jimmy Creegan, chairman of the Campaign for Reliably Accurate Phrases.

Eyewitness and postman Bobby Nudgekiss, 36, told us "me and Dennis Peeks were talking about the recent good weather,and I happened to mention how it was still quite cold at night."

"Old Dennis agreed, and I told him that I forgot to turn my heating on the previous night, and how cold my bed was when I got in, see?" we saw.

"Anyway, Dennis said 'there's nothing worse than getting in to a cold bed', and from out of nowhere this posh fella came bounding over shouting 'herpes, cancer, headaches' and all this," Mr Nudgekiss continued.

A spokesman for C.R.A.P said "Mr Creegan had overheard a conversation when a completely false statement was made. Clearly there are so many more things in this world that are far worse than getting in to a cold bed. Mr Creegan was incensed at this man's pithy throwaway comment."

"Our chairman merely pointed out a list of things that were far worse than two minutes of discomfort before one's bed reaches body temperature," he continued, "such as disease, disaster (both natural and man made) and the loss of a loved one or pet."

"We are seeking legal action, and fully intend on taking this matter as far as we can through the British courts, and even the European courts if we must," he said, "we expect very generous remuneration for the stress and shock caused by this obviously viscious and unfounded accusation."

C.R.A.P have released a pamphlet on how to talk properly, with a section on false statements to try and help you not get in to trouble over an untrue statement.

Only this morning this reporter stubbed his toe on the bedside table, instantly posing the question 'was that worse than getting in to a cold bed?' I'd have to say 'yes'.

Be carefull what you say on the street, you may find yourself fined and in court. You're better off talking C.R.A.P.

More as we spout it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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