London -- The producers of Masterpiece Theatre Classic announced plans today to produce a new series entitled 'As the World Spins: The Boyle Family Saga.'
"We have never done this genre of drama before, but we feel a story ripped from today's headlines will be an exciting venture for both us and the viewing public," their spokesperson stated. "This unfolding story has all the elements of a classic soap opera."
"The series will explore several story lines," the spokesperson continued. "The first, of course, is that of the central character, Susan Boyle, one of the most original, intriguing, and supremely talented individuals to emerge on the scene in years. How fame and wealth impact her life will be featured:
Will Susan go to Australia and Canada?
Will she perform a full-length concert?
Will her second album be as successful as the first?
Will she complete her autobiography?
Will she sack her management team?
Will she move to a new home?
Will she finally succeed in banging Piers Morgan?
Will Pebbles ever return to live in Blackburn again?
"Another story line will focus on the rest of the members of the Boyle family and their newly developed concern for their sister's welfare:
Will the Boyle family implode?
Will they sue Susan's management team?
Will the nieces be ostracized from the family?
Will Brother Gerry at last get his hands on Susan's money?
Will Brother Gerry finally learn to 'Shut the F*** Up'?
"The final story line will center around the Susan Boyle fans. These 60,000+ red scarf wearing fanatics are absolutely crazy and should add some much needed comic relief to the series." (Ed: If you believe that 60,000+ number, I have a bridge in Brooklyn for sale cheap.)
Will the thought police on one of Susan's fansites finally turn the few remaining independent thinking members into obedient robots adhering to the party line by forcing them to drink a cocktail of Kahlua mixed with psychotropic drugs?
Will they succeed in their efforts to silence their arch nemesis TheSpoof.com?
Will they ban the writers from Team Purple -- Oops, I forgot they already have.
Stay tuned for Season 1 of 'As the World Spins.' It should be a real blockbuster.