Kate Gosselin Eying Federal Assistance After Being Booted from DWTS

Written by Charpa93

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

image for Kate Gosselin Eying Federal Assistance After Being Booted from DWTS

You can see it in her eyes. The fight is fading from Kate Gosselin. She seems to finally be getting it. She can't dance, she can't sing, and as for acting, the only thing she seems to be good at is a theatrical rant and rave here or there or a teary-eyed plea that she just wants to be home with her family. So what is next for Kate?

Welfare. Welfare and food stamps. Food Stamps and Section 8. It may be her only salvation. If she can figure out how to get her weaves re-done every 6-8 weeks and her mannies and peddies done at a discount, she may do alright.

"Hell, plenty of us low income single women have learned to survive on less than $1000 a month, and we have just as many kids," said Shawana Moore from her 2-room subsidized apartment in Philadelphia. "If Kate wants some pointers on how to survive on welfare, there's plenty of us that can give her some valuable tips. We know just about everyone in this neighborhood would welcome her with open arms, and my sister Shaneecie would love to do her nails for discount, diamond chip studs and all."

But Shawana's mom, Shantika is less eager to roll out the welcome mat for Gosselin. "That woman is just way too spoilt, you know? She all uppity-up in yo' face now she felt the glitty of Holywood. She ain't gonna settle for no macaroni and cheese and fry chick'n leg supper in a swelterin' two-room apartment with 8 young'ns. No sir, she spoilt rotten and no amount of kindness gonna help her through her mess, no how."

But come time to sell the homestead and move on, Kate may someday have to rely on the kindness of strangers and ones who know how to expertly do a weave, paint Chinese symbols of luck on your fingernails, cook up a mess of the best chicken and cornbread you ever ate, and give you some life-altering advice on how to survive in a less than hospitable world may just be Kate's salvation.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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