Depraved pensioners forced to take desperate measures

Funny story written by galgar

Tuesday, 20 April 2010


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Depraved pensioners forced to take desperate measures
A large wooly hat placed firmly on the head helps keep the heat and helps brain function

Many desperate pensioners living well below the poverty line have decided to use a different tack after being totally ignored by their elected socialist betters despite their many entreaties over the decades, for a fair deal.

Buy a fake Romainian passport for about twenty quid, a pair of dark bushy eyebrows from any reputable joke shop and a tin of light tan shoe polish for the swarthy alien complexion.

Spend a few hours in front of the mirror practicing pidgin English and obscene gesticulations and have a well rehearsed sob story ready about a life of abject poverty and deprivation in the homeland.

Maybe spin another story about needing a kidney or penis transplant, but don't mention wanting a hysterectomy because that will really give the game away, especially if you are a bloke.

You will be given benefits that the honest Brit can only imagine in his wildest dreams, including a new house, a car and two foreign holidays a year all payed for by the gullible taxpayer.

Its as easy as that providing you are happy about taking the identity of another for personal gain as some prominent MPs have done.

Those at the back of the council housing waiting list due to the large number of alien invaders taking preference over them can also benefit from lying about their status.

Don't feel guilty about using such devious behaviour because the MPs do it all the time, they just can't help it.

Try using a foreign accent and making sure the kids are smelly, filthy and dressed in rags when they arrive at the housing office.

Tell the none too bright social worker your sob story and it's the front of the queue for you and sod the rest of them. If you have six or more kids (try borrowing a few for the day) you may even get a mansion to live in, complete with monster colour telly and a swimming pool to keep the coal in.

Social workers are quite easy to fool because they are mainly home grown parasites or illiterate immigrants unfit for normal work and therefore usually eager to please in order to keep highly paid jobs that no really intelligent person would wish to do.

In the unlikely event that you have any problem with the social workers threaten them with exposure to the EU Commissioners, saying they are showing favouritism towards the indigenous inhabitants and the Britain could be faced with a very heavy fine imposed by the EU.

The odd comment praising Butcher Blair and Brenda Brown can certainly help the cause and also sing the praises of political correctness, but on no account praise the opposition parties because all social workers are by definition of the socialist persuasion.

There are many ways in which to make the paltry old age pensions go further if you don't wish to emulate the MPs by cheating and lying.

Get a wood burning stove and then you can creep out furtively during the hours of darkness and cut down the neighbours trees and fences for fuel and if you have a paper briquette maker a quick trip to the local train station will usually result in an armful of free newspapers. I suggest an early morning visit before those damn greedy commuters come along and pinch the lot.

Get a water meter and save a fortune then get a water butt so you can use the rainwater for flushing purposes after your weekly crap and do get in the habit of pissing in the sink, or better still use a mug then drink the stuff.

Heat the dishwater in a large pan on the stove with the lid firmly on and instead of complaining about the huge amount of junk mail and free newspapers pushed daily through the letterbox, recycle the things through the briquette maker using water from the butt, then get down on you knees and give thanks to the advertisers who unknowingly do you a favour.

So just get the gnarly old fingers out and use the grey matter to good effect in order to beat the system; its quite easy when you know how. A large wooly hat placed firmly on the head helps keep the heat in and therefore helps the aged brain to function more efficiently

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more