Billy Ray Cyrus Demands Custody of Miley, and The 4 Other Kids, Who Are Sh-t Earners By Comparison, in Divorce
Miley Cyrus' parents, Billy Ray Cyrus and Backup Singer #3, have filed for divorce, after 17 years, or "15 years after the birth of our 401K plan" according to court documents. Her Real Name Ain't Miley... ... not that anyone in the universe cares...
Read full storyCoroner's Report: Paul the Octopus Masturbated Himself to Death
The official, sordid critique on Paul the Octopus's death was confirmed Wednesday: Death by Self-Inflicted Overstimulation of his Erogenous Zone. Dr. R. Quincy, M.E.: "Yep. That's what he did. Wouldn't you if you could?" Quincy continued, "Whi...
Read full storyFresh Beats' Shayna Rose Now Only Young Star Never to be Arrested, Rehabbed, or Photographed Without Panties
26-year-old actress Shayna Rose, widely acclaimed for such memorable TV roles as 'Girl #2', 'Onlooker #5' and 'The Younger Wench' before becomming Marina on Nick, Jr.'s pandering "The Fresh Beat Band", has been named the only female actress under 30...
Read full storyFeverish Hunt on to Replace Paul the Psychic Octopus with another Psychic Animal
Folks with more to lose than just having to eat crow in the upcoming elections if their party doesn't do well-we're talking about heavy bettors who want to cash in on the Sharron Angles and Joe Millers of our time-are frantic on the news that Paul th...
Read full storyDownton Abbey And A Very Modern Period Drama
Popular ITV period drama, Downton Abbey, has been lambasted by viewers and critics alike after complaints that some scenes were shot that simply couldn't have happened in 1912. The flagship drama has attracted upwards of 8 million viewers as fans...
Read full storyPsychic Octo Assassinated
News which will take the sporting community by force. Paul the Psychic Octopus was assassinated a few days ago, following rumours that England will win the World Cup Bid. Russian tourists Vladimir and Putin have been arrested in Germany, and ha...
Read full storyPanic: Bin Laden Threatens Terror Attack On France
Osama Bin Laden, bearded baddie and all round bad egg, has sensationally threatened France with terror attacks. The hairy pixie was upset at the French nations decision to ban veils, something which has become somewhat of a fashion statement for M...
Read full storyHillary switching handbags responsible for US losing communication with nuclear missiles
WASHINGTON: Phew! It was pretty scary for a while there. For 45 minutes last weekend the US was Clueless in the Capital. Turns out the world's greatest superpower had lost communication with nearly 50 intercontinental ballistic nuclear missiles.
Read full storyRobert Pattinson Building Smaller Dracula Castle After Infamous Ancestor!
Apparently the actor Robert Pattinson can't get over the fact that he is related to Vlad the Impaler of the 1400's who was the original "Dracula", which was his family name. "Pattinson talks about the evil monster all the time", stated Ashley Gree...
Read full storyThe Sorrento Chronicles Part One: Paul
Sunday was a turning point in Sorrento. Wandering down to the restaurant overlooking the Bay of Naples, one couldn't help but feel interested in the variety of food on offer. Deciding I would try the shrimp, my initial reaction to the word CALIMARI was that of a mild pasta sauce. How wrong could a guy be. Out came a dozen shrimps on a bed of what appeared to be onion rings. Chewy onion ri...
Read full storyStevie Wonder Destroys Macy's Store Dummy!
Singing legend Stevie Wonder has completely destroyed a dress dummy in New York City. No police were called but the people working for Macy's say that this is the third time this has happened in the past two years. "While we appreciate Mr. Wonder...
Read full storyRandy and Evi Quaid To Star In "The Hollywood Star Whackers Vs. The Halloween Pumpkin Punks"
HOLLYWOOD - Cripple Creek Pictures in association with TriMoon Films has just announced that filming will soon begin on the new Hollywood-Halloween suspense thriller by Italian director Staccato Monteverdi. The movie entitled The Hollywood Star Wh...
Read full storyLady Gaga Proves Boobs Are Real At Hospital Revolving Door
To anyone else it would be the worst thing in the world to happen to a lady, but to someone like Lady Gaga it became a performance. Word out (with several photos) in all the major tabloids early this morning is that the Lady was visiting someone i...
Read full storyRooney donates brain to medical science
Wayne Rooney has astounded his friends, family, Sir Alex Ferguson and the scientific community. In a completely selfless act, Rooney has donated his brain for medical research. Rooney said "They gave me some forms to put me mark on, saying they co...
Read full storyPelosi states - It's MINE, It's MINE
At an early morning breakfast meeting of the Pelosi Staff in Washington, when Aides confronted Pelosi with the results of recent polls, showing the possibility of a change in the political makeup of the House, which would mean her ouster as Speaker,...
Read full storyGovernor Moonbeam: The Ho Whisperer
Formerly affectionately known by Californians as Governor Moonbeam, Jerry Brown has finally outgrown that wacky image, but in doing so, he may have gained more notoriety by gaining a new nickname, "The Ho Whisperer." In the chronology of famous wh...
Read full storyReid Out - Nevada Gone
Senator Harry Reid announced today that if his state does not re-elect him to the Senate, he will do everything in his power to outlaw gambling in Nevada. He stated further, "If Nancy loses her Speakers position, she is going to resign from the House...
Read full storyManchester United's Chicharito's Football Poster Outselling Wayne Rooney's By A Ten To One Margin
MANCHESTER, England - The 22-year-old football sensation from Guadalajara, Jalisco, Mexico, Javier Hernandez Balcazar is being hailed as one of the best young talents to come around in a long time. "Chicharito" or little pea, as he is called first...
Read full storyBritain Is at the Brink of War with Italy, Thanks to Cheri Blair
History probably will not relate the account of how close Britain came to war with Italy. Not content with her husband's dealings with Iraq, Cheri Blair decided to stir up trouble with the Ities. In what would appear to be a case of "keeping up wi...
Read full storyMany animal species face extinction, Spoofers are not!
The world is facing a tragedy as many species of animals, reptiles and insects face extinction. There is one peculiar species that is reversing the trend and evolution has failed to put the "Sword of Damocles" over their heads, The Spoofers! In...
Read full storyConan O'Brien Speaks
Hollywood -- Conan O'Brien lost his dream job at the Tonight Show, in what can only be called a major blunder by the executives at NBC, and after taking some time off to recharge, he is finally opening up to UWGB-Beek. His new show will air on TBS starting November 8, 2010. It will just be called "Conan." How are you doing? I am doing alright. I can say that I wasn't expecting all the suppo...
Read full storyTea Party Gets out of Hand
Washington-- Tea Party shows it isn't only racist, but it is in favor of a military state that enjoys squashing free speech. A Rand Paul supporter decided to show the world that the Tea Party doesn't stand for free speech. Ms. Valle was the wo...
Read full storyNobody Has A Clue What They're Doing - Survey Reveals
According to recently released figures from the DFFA* nobody in the UK has the slightest idea what they're doing, much less why they're doing whatever it is that they're doing. One field study revealed that a man in a supermarket, hovering by the...
Read full storyNewt Gingrich in Wisconsin to Stump for Big Idiot
Waukesha, WI -- Newt Gingrich was in Wisconsin to help work on his image in Wisconsin and stump for the Big Idiot that wants to be governor of Wisconsin. "The Big Idiot wants to cut taxes for the rich and balance the budget by cutting things you...
Read full storyNFL Rakes in Money While Sitting on Favre Issue
New York - Roger Goodell, who was busy counting his money, said that he was happy he sat on the Favre issue until after the Vikings played the Packers because of how much money the NFL made off the game. "Oh, did I call it or what--Favre is money...
Read full story'Fake Shaikh' poses as Emir of Qatar, spoofs Windsor Castle state banquet!
Windsor - (Order of the Gutter): Six months ago he spoofed Fergie into demanding a half a million quid bung for an intro to her feckless ex-husband Prince Andrew. Last night the notorious 'fake shaikh' was at it again, this time impersonating Qata...
Read full storyPentagon Blames Cablevision for Nuclear Weapons Guidance Glitch
The Pentagon says that pay-TV retards Cablevision are responsible for the 'glitch' which disrupted communication between 50 nuclear missiles and a launch control center over the weekend, although the Air Force never lost the ability to blow up the en...
Read full storyManchester United Former Star Nobby Stiles Auctions World Cup And European Cup-Winning Underpants
Nobby Stiles, the former Manchester United star who played in the 1966 England World Cup-winning side, and who also featured in the United team that won the 1968 European Cup Final, has sold the underpants he wore in both matches at auction. The s...
Read full storyDancing With The Stars: Audrina Patridge Is Sent Packing Back To 'The Hills'
HOLLYWOOD - In a Dancing With The Stars 'Results Show' that stunned many seasoned viewers, the lovely, and extremely sensuous star of the reality show The Hills Audrina Patridge was eliminated. Patridge and her partner Tony Dovolani found themselv...
Read full storySacha Baron-Cohen Slams Gay Man's Butt. By That, I Mean He Beat Some Gay Guy Off. Wait...UP! Up... He Beat Some Gay Guy Up.
Sacha Baron Cohen, the most famous in-the-closet Jew since Anne Frank, is accused of beating off a gay cameraman (are there any non-gay cameramen?) at a gay marriage-slash-AIDS Rally in Los Angeles. The cameraman, who claims to cover "felchings an...
Read full storyCharlie "The Bad Bad Boy" Sheen Has A Manhattan Meltdown!
MANHATTAN - Charlie Sheen, who is the highest paid actor on television, making $1.25 million per week seems to have an extremely hard time separating his TV Charlie Harper character on the sit-com Two and A Half Men from the real Charlie Sheen. On...
Read full storyChristians, Muslims and Jews unite against Sci-Fi based religions
All manner of space opera based argy-bargey has broken out this week in the mostly 18-30 white, overweight, spotty male demographic. Followers of the two versions of Battlestar Galactica are at each others wattles over which Battlestar is best, an...
Read full storyH&R Block Refuses to Pay Struggling Artist for Fountain.
Some might say it's a case of David versus Goliath as a small business tangles with a big corporation.Just what Kansas City needed... Another f--king fountain. Is this a True story? Of course not. It's satire! In this case, however, Goliath...
Read full storySingle women in their 30s to be sent back to Venus
The Government has announced plans to send all single women between the ages of 30 and 40 back to the planet Venus in an effort to restore peace and harmony in society. The move comes about after extensive research by the Office of Unprovoked Moan...
Read full storyDerek Acorah becomes a Jedi
The most egalitarian psychic medium on the planet, Derek Acorah, has adopted the Jedi faith as his own in a public knighting ceremony on Tuesday. The medium, who has been seeing dead people since he was eight, and was the inspiration for the film...
Read full storySchwarzenegger Contemplates Run for Prez in 2012; Offers Up Birth Certificate from Berlin, NH as Proof of Citizenship!
Arnold's not saying much, but actions on his behalf by a grass roots party calling themselves "The Sour Krauts" quietly filed a xeroxed copy of his Berlin, NH birth certificate with the Republican National Committee today. Schwarzenegger, who wa...
Read full storyFDA Approves Cable-ready Retinal Implants for Toddlers
Rather than turning the TV off and actually interacting with their preschool children, more and more parents turn to sweet, nurturing television to fill the little tykes' time. Now, the FDA has approved an implant that would wirelessly send tv ima...
Read full storyStuxnet claims Scilly Isles factory fishing ship blaze
Atlantic Ocean - (Malware): The high tech virus is suspected of being behind a chaotic digital chip pan fire started aboard a Norwegian-registered fishing smack called the MV Athena. Coastguards were called out late last night as the blaze spread...
Read full storyTea Party Head Stomper Hailed As Hero!
Tim Profit, the Rand Paul supporter that stomped on the head of a prone female member of Move-On. org is being hailed as a hero by the right wing media. "He's our kind of guy," said Bill O'Reilly of Fox News. "A real American patriot and a symbol of...
Read full storyJujube Church seeks part-time website manager with "some" experience
In a promotional effort, The Church of Jujubeism has launched an informational website for throngs of potentially interested men, women and children. Unfortunately any attempt to go to their website results in a 'blank screen of death' and the f...
Read full storyDubai Interests Buy Up NH Ski Resorts For Mineral Rights: Drilling Imminent!
Saying only "Our Oil Can't last forever," an oil cartel based in Dubai announced today it had bought up it's second iconic ski resort in the White Mountains of New Hampshire and announced plans to start drilling for oil and natural gas immediately.
Read full storyPaul The Octopus - Suspicions surround death
Suspicion surrounds the death of Paul the Octopus. Although Paul had exceeded the natural life span for an octopus (around two years) a well placed management contact at the Sea Life Centre in Oberhausen where Paul lived has leaked details of an int...
Read full storyCor! Eee! Ah! Formula 1 - Korean GP
Last weekends Korean F1 Grand Prix was reminiscent of a Tudor feast for F1 fans. Let me ask you, what didn't that grand prix have ? We had rain, delayed start, start under the safety car, spinners, smashes, fast laps, overtakes (thank you Mr Sutil),...
Read full storyDefence Cuts: Defending The Indefensible
A naval authority has sprung to the defence of the Goverment cuts in military spending. We reported last week that maritime affairs expert Rear Admiral Morton Vulgar-Fraction, RN (Retd) was horrified at the cuts which would see no jet aircraft tak...
Read full storyCrazy Cats: Move Over Paul, There's An Octopussy In Town
News has already circulated about the death of Paul The Octopus, nobody could have predicted the widespread grief felt accross the globe, for an octopus. Truly the Peoples Octopus, Paul meant so much to so many. Often to be seen doing charity wor...
Read full storyMan Utd go "Mexicano loco" Ole!
Manchester United, their fans, players and staff have all been bitten by the Mexican Madness disease thanks to Chicarito, better know as Javier Hernandez. The Rooneygate affair is long forgotten and instead of selling mushy peas with stodgy meat p...
Read full storyPaul the Octopus murdered
Paul the amazing octopus, famous for his fearless predictions at the recent FIFA World Cup, has been murdered by a gang of Dutch herring intent on exacting revenge for the mighty mollusc's prediction that the Netherlands football team would go down t...
Read full storyHobbit Movies: Kiwis Celebrate
New Zealand was celebrating today following the news that two Hobbit movies will be made there after all. There were fears that Warner Brothers would take filming elsewhere after spats with acting unions. But all issues have been cleared up and...
Read full storyColeen Rooney's - Where Did They Come From?
While they've been sunning themselves in Dubai, Wayne and Coleen Rooney have obviously been under scrutiny. The couple are trying to patch up their marriage and Wayne needs to get his head together after last week's bizarre series of events in whi...
Read full storyPaul was MURDERED, claims Keeper!
Paul, the predicting oracle of World cup football fame has died, everyone knows, of old age. Not true. "He didn't die in his sleep as the zoo officials have been claiming," says his keeper in charge, "he was murdered, by the agents of the hitherto...
Read full storyCSI:Miami - Back To Basics Pleases Bosses
Channel 5 bosses breathed a sigh of relief last night when CSI:Miami got back to basics. As we reported yesterday, there were concerns that the US "procedural" was losing sight of what made it popular in the first place and that it was dabbling wi...
Read full storySarah Palin has Another Say it Ain't So Joe Moment
Many will remember in the 2008 elections when Sarah Palin and Joe Biden were just getting ready to debate and Palin asked Biden, "mind if I call you Joe?" The reason was later evident because Palin was eager to use her now famous line "Say it ain't s...
Read full storyNooks Await Arrival of New Family Member, the Nook Color
Yep, the name says it all. The new Barnes & Noble Nook Color is an electronic reader that will present books in COLOR. Present Nooks can hardly wait to greet the new addition to their family. At a NY press conference, the stats on the ex...
Read full storyMeg Whitman Found Huddled in Pantry Crying "Where's My Money?"
Meg Whitman, the former CEO of eBay has spent upwards of $160 million of her own money in a run for California Governor, which easily tops the private spending of any candidate anywhere in the entire universe, or at least the part of the universe we...
Read full story3 Years Late and Overbudget 'El Avestruz es el ave más grande que ha logrado sobrevivir hasta nuestros días' Nears Completion
(Somewhere in Siberia) - While production continues on the movie that is being called the "Ishtar" of it's day, speculation is already abuzz regarding a sequel. Despite a grueling shooting schedule, Montezuma's revenge and multiple food poisonings...
Read full storyAmericans are angry at Wal-Kart
American workers explore the relationship between U.S. job losses and Wal-Kart's monopoly over the retail business in America. Wal-Kart began as a small retail operation in Vancouver, Canada. An over excess of wealth in Wal-Kart has degraded the...
Read full storyCollege is not a dead end deal anymore
Gov. Jan Brewer of Arizona signed a bill that would require all colleges in Arizona to allow students to test out of classes if they need to repeat a class. The state of Arizona is estimating a savings of 20 million dollars when students don't ha...
Read full storyWindapocalypses and Chiclones and NDizzards, Oh My
Meteorologists, or Weather Forecasters, as they like to refer to themselves as, have always found it hard to keep their audiences happy. If they say it is going to be sunny and it rains, the first people to be blamed are the forecasters. Forecast some really bad weather and get people preparing for the worst only to realize that they had it all wrong is a forecaster's worst nightmare. The ugly vie...
Read full storyRepublicans support NRA and a right to live
The National Rifle Association is spearheading a class action lawsuit against Gov. Richard Daley and the State of Arizona on behalf of over 30 thousand family members of homicide victims who were not allowed to possess firearms in public. McDonal...
Read full storyExcerpt from Book of Yoda
Excerpt 1, from the Chapter for Children Crystallize your meth with me... Occult Numerology (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 ...) Occult Symbology (a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, ...) Let man of god (1a), who is just beginning, become a snake (2b) and jump over eternity (3c) at the speed of light (c) through the man in the hood, a backwards snake (4d). Thus, rising him...
Read full storyThe Spoof Fans Rate ThinkPoint Virus 4.7 out of 5 Stars
TheSpoof fans turned their attention briefly away from Lady Gaga and Adam Lambert to become immersed in the most hilarious new computer virus ever. "ThinkPoint is an absolutely five-star hilarious computer virus!", said one user still rolling on t...
Read full storySuspicious STUD Fire Reported in Los Angeles
Los Angeles CA: A five alarm fire destroyed the Sex Toy Uncanny Devices (STUD) manufacturing facilities located in an industrial park close to the city's downtown area. STUD manufactures a quality line of lifelike adult sex toys which include rubberi...
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