An English Cap
Hundreds of foreign footballers will be turned away from England next month when the FA introduces an immigration cap for the first time. Harry Hamshanks, the acting FA Chaiman, is to announce a six month temporary limit to prevent a last-minute i...
Read full storyBorn Again Virgins
Spoof writer Lady Godiva has recently been asked by 'other writers' if she is a virgin. This question was a direct result of her admission that she was indeed applying for God's job whilst he takes a year off. God's son, Jesus, wrote a Diary entry today because he is really pissed off at the idea. HE was promised the job.l Back to the 'virgin' issue. On being asked if she was a virgin, an...
Read full storyGunman Moat 'hiding under drawbridge' at Alnwick Castle
Newcastle - (Fugitive News): Crazed Geordie shooter Raoul Moat has been spotted under the drawbridge of Alnwick. Police with sniffer dogs attempted to dredge the stagnant ditch following reports that Moat had a secret underwater hideyhole. But...
Read full storyPink Floyd to embark on a world tour
David Gilmour, Roger Waters and Nick Mason are planning a Pink Floyd world tour with former Yes keyboardist Rick Wakeman filling in for the late Rick Wright on keyboards. The tour will start in Detroit, Michigan a city that Pink Floyd had refused...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Has New Girlfriend
It's really hard to keep up but dipsy Lindsay Lohan has a new girlfriend that's a former member of the Israeli Defense Force, Eilat Anschel, whom she met after returning to Los Angeles for her court appearance and sentencing. This is getting a lot...
Read full storyBrett Favre Back for One More Year
Brett Favre sat down with John Clayton for ESPN on Tuesday to talk about his return to football. Favre: "I just want to say that I am coming back for one more year." Clayton: "What made you come back for one more year?" Favre: "I just love the attention I get by playing football, and the money isn't bad, either." Clayton: "What do you say to the fans that can't seem to understand why...
Read full storyRaoul Moat - Fugitive on the run or Countdown Conundrum
There was confusion today in Rothbury, Northumberland as armed police pursued what they believed to be a crazed bald bloke with a gun but eventually realised that Raoul Moat was just a very difficult Countdown Conundrum. As police became aware of...
Read full storyMrs Ratzinger tells UN 'she might be dead by the morning'
New York - (7/7 Mess): Cold War tribute act Elizabeth Windsor today bid farewell to the UN Assembly and said she had a terminal inkling about the morning. Five years ago some of her hired henchmen, a.k.a. the Blair Government, were successful in...
Read full storyHomopterans Tell Homo Sapiens To "Suck Off"
Homopterans have had it! This classification of insects includes the cicada, notorious for openly sucking the vital juices out of plants while producing a high-pitched drone with its drum like organs, has flown under the radar until just recently.
Read full storyPresident Gives In - Agrees To Form a Completely Gay Military Division To Be Based In San Francisco
SAN FRANCISCO - President Obama and the "First Mama" were in San Francisco attending The 41st Annual Gay Art Display and Sex Organ Exhibit. He was asked about the Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill. He shook his head and replied that he is kinda fed up talk...
Read full storyLady Godiva Sails Round Hyde Park Serpentine Single Handed
Friends, family and a bloke from Middlesborough, celebrated the return of Booker Prize Winning writer Lady Godiva. As her peddalo arrived at the key side in Hyde Park, a very tired Lady Godiva said she was glad to be back on dry land. From a h...
Read full storyObama's just joshing about immigration reform
So there I was in post-industrial Michigan, with my buddy Tim and his newly-conned-out-of-Jersey fiancée in the back of my Chevy. (Well, "my Chevy" is debatable. I paid for it, I vacuumed the fries out of it, and I clocked over 250,000 miles on it. But on paper, only the two-exes-ago and the bank could claim it, and she bolted with both "my Chevy" and "my furniture." You decide.) Anywa...
Read full story47 Louisiana Tar Balls Wash Up On Galveston Beach, Texas
GALVESTON - Well the BP Gulf of Mexico oil spill tar balls have now reached each one of the five Gulf Coast states. Texas Governor Rick Perry has announced that Texas Rangers have taken into custody a total of 47 Louisiana Tar Balls that had washe...
Read full storyThe running of the Bulls in Pamplona, about to take place
Hurry to Pamplona, the Running of the Bulls is soon to take place. People are already guzzling down gallons of red wine, which is used to give them the courage to run in front of these heavyweight bulls who are sent charging through the streets to e...
Read full storyIs That Britney's Face Or That Of Tonja Harding?
Britney Spears has had a hard road to travel and some recent photographs show her looking more like Tonya Harding, that Britney of even 2 years ago. Without the make-up, she looks more like your average WalMart shopper. She must spend a lot of time w...
Read full storyJustice Department Sues Arizona For Enforcing Federal Law
Not just your typical man bites dog story, but close enough. As if we didn't have enough confusion in our government, Obama's left-hand man leading the Justice Department, Eric Holdover, announced today that he is suing the State of Arizona for atte...
Read full storyMessi all messed up
Lionel Messi, Argentina football superstar, is reportedly all messed up. After a humiliating 4-0 defeat to Germany last Saturday, Messi broke down in tears in the arms of coach and mentor Diego Armando Maradona. Although the cameras did not c...
Read full storyNude Stars: Uncovered! (Miley To Marilyn)
A new book sold in a sealed wrapper claims to be the greatest photograph collection of nude movie stars and singers in history is coming out near the end of the year and will probably sell out the first edition in a few days, according to a spokesman...
Read full storyRaoul Moat found with Justin Bieber
Alleged psychopath Raoul Moat as been found on the summit of Tosser Hill in Northumbria with a Howitzer artilery gun and Justin Beiber. Many other weapons were also discovered including a Macmillan sniper rifle and a Patriot missile launcher on the b...
Read full storyOil Spill The End Of The United States?
According to recent articles that you may want to read, the end of the United States as well as Mexico, Canada and others may happen at any time. An attack of nuclear missiles? The unleashing of a dreaded disease or poisoning by terrorists that ca...
Read full storyHup Holland Hup
The Koninklijke Nederlandse Voetbalbond (KNVB), the Royal Dutch Football Association has revealed their recipe for success at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. While their bigger European rivals, France, Italy and England have been sent homeward...
Read full storyNumber 10: "Pope Won't Escape Axe"
DOWNING Street has tried to calm controversy over the Papal visit to Britain by promising that the expected £12million bill won't escape swingeing budgetary cuts. It is thought that Pope Benedict, "Panzer Pope" to his mates, will now arrive by low...
Read full storyThe Sunday Sermons Magazine
A man rode his donkey along the hot dusty Damascus road. Behind him, walked his pregnant wife, carrying their worldly goods and the new born baby that cried for attention from its over laden mother. The man kept a punishing pace, his wife struggled to keep up, the weight of the goods she carried making every step a painful reminder of the blisters on her feet. They came to a cross roads, and...
Read full storyGeorge Michael arrested again and again and again, has he a Gay Phobia?
George Michael loves being arrested in fact he enjoys it so much he just cannot stop (at red traffic lights neither). Arrested in California for showing his "willy" in a public convenience to another male not wanting to shake his hand? Arrested...
Read full storyBP Petitions for Madoff release
It was announced today that British Petroleum has petitioned for the release of Bernard Madoff to assume the Presidency of their company. The rising costs of the petroleum disaster, now at 3 billions, necessitated this move. In a statement issued...
Read full storyPrince, the 52-year-old music icon has pronounced the internet dead, refusing to use any digital platforms to distribute his music
"Prince, the 52-year-old music icon has pronounced the internet dead, refusing to use any digital platforms to distribute his music." This is the headline on a UK online newspaper today. Prince has declared the internet useless and can't understa...
Read full storyUFOs video taped in Reading - now turns out to be hoax
A reputable online UK Newspaper today put a video clip of UFOs filmed flying over Reading. This has since turned out to be a hoax. A couple of visiting American's were fooling around after having partaken of some alcoholic beverages as a result...
Read full storyNigeria to bid for 2014 World Cup
Following the success of South Africa in hosting the 2010 world cup, authorities in Nigeria are stepping up effort to host the next World Cup in 2014. A statement from the Nigerian Football Federation NFF says: "We have seen what South Af...
Read full storyBiffa Bacon's Fatha Arrested
The Police have arrested and then released hundreds of Geordie "hard men", including Biffa Bacon's Fatha, in the hunt for Ronald Stoat. Police looking for Stoat faced an almost impossible task because he looks exactly like hundreds of other Geordi...
Read full storyPolice Close Off Northern England "Mad Zone"
Access to Northern England has been cut today while police wait for all the mad people to calm down Only last week, the Council for Northern England announced last week that Cumbria and Northumbria are Britain's favourite locations for going insa...
Read full story"The British Birds" The Story of Petula Clark, Marianne Faithfull, and Cilla Black Starring Cheryl Cole, Sarah Harding, and Pixie Lott Premiers in London
LONDON - The much awaited true story of 60s music icons Petula Clark, Marianne Faithfull, and Cilla Black had its premier in London's famed Mrs. Eric Idle Royal Auditorium. The British Birds was produced by noted producer Duffy Bayou-Gauche, who h...
Read full storyNew York turns up the heat on Queen Elizabeth Ground Zero trip
New York - (9/11 Mess): With temperatures nudging a sweltering 100F the heat is really on George W Bush's puppet monarch aunty who brazens it out with a Ground Zero wreath laying today. The itinerary also includes a vanity visit to the United Nati...
Read full storyWormwood Scrubs Prison Stolen!
The Government today admitted that Wormwood Scrubs Prison had been stolen. A spokesperson said that the prison had been missing for a few days. Prison Govenor, Judas Priest, said; "We realised something was wrong when our keys would not fit the l...
Read full storyEnglish Football in Turmoil as Sponsors Depart
It was widely predicted , following England's diabolical performance in the 2010 World Cup, that manager, Fabio Capello, together with some of the decidedly average senior players, would be 'for the chop'. However, it would appear that it is the F...
Read full storyGeorge Michael Crashes Car....and Arrested for Indecency
It was an eventful night, even by the bizarre standards of George Michael, as he crashed his car and got arrested for indecent behaviour in the early hours of the morning. Police were called to an incident at Hampstead, North London following repo...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Tweet or Line from Lohan's Linda Lovelace Biopic Inferno?
Lindsay Lohan Tweet or Line from Lohan's Linda Lovelace Biopic Inferno? You decide...then we'll reveal the answer! "Iranian mother of two to be stoned to death this is HORRIBLE" Fake love for oppressed women? It's a TWEET! "I'm stupid and ugly and every part of me is a disappointment." Tweet from Samantha Ronson? Nope, Line From Inferno. "I hate my hair and my zitty face and I hate t...
Read full storyRaoul Moat - Don't Be Silly Son, Give Me The Gun.
Skoob News - never an agency to shirk its social responsibilities in times of crisis, has appealed to misguided gunman Raoul Moat to lay down his gun and give himself up before anybody else gets hurt. There's nothing to be gained by further bloodshed. It makes no sense. Yes, you feel slighted, you feel let down, you feel that people were taking the piss, and that's a normal reaction. In case...
Read full storyPlaque left behind at No10 by Gordon Brown for David Cameron!
Inchcock Chambers, unpaid reporter, revealed this week, that he had received a tip-off and details of, from a former aide of James Gordon Brown at number 10, that a present had been deliberately left behind, for the incoming Prime Minister to find. It was a dip-stick shaped plaque, engraved with the words: "In the Governments bureaucratic system, an increase in expenditure will be matched by...
Read full storyUK Muslims Win Another Round of Political Correctness: Now They Want Pool Drained after Infidel Use!
Militant Muslims continue to march on in their quest to bend the will of citizens in every country they manage to infiltrate, pushing the boundaries of common sense and using their religion as a tool to bludgeon any opposition. The latest outrage...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Rubber Duck Invasion
A major investigation was launched this week to investigate the curious case of the flotilla of rubber ducks that have been inundating Yarmouth Harbour for the past fortnight. The busy Yarmouth harbour has become awash with the small yellow bath toys which is causing a danger to the Wightlink Ferry to and from Lymington on the Mainland as well as the numerous pleasure boats that operate out of...
Read full storyArizona Counter Sues Obama for Racial Profiling Over Tanning Bed Tax!
The State of Arizona is striking back at the Obama Regime after the President and his agenda driven team vowed to fight Arizona's law to enforce illegal immigration laws being ignored by Washington. Arizona legal officials are citing a clause in...
Read full storyRoyal Freak Hospital porn movie all the rage
London - (Colostomy Mess): Footage from a hardcore movie shot in London's iconic Royal Freak Hospital has gone viral on the internet. 'Massive-Boobed Nympho Nurses on Ketamine' was shot in the North London infirmary's urino-genitary ward last year...
Read full storyTony Blair - "I lied about everything"
Tony Blair has sensationally admitted - "I lied about everything, start to finish." "Things can only get better? - sorry about that. Flim flam about world class education? - oops. Weapons of mass destruction? - What a dogs breakfast!" "I'm a l...
Read full storyCheryl Cole mosquito 'reported dead from food poisoning'
London - (The Sting): London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine quacks treating Cheryl Cole's malaria have ordered an autopsy after a dead mosquito was found in the singer's knickers. The insect's last meal is suspected to have been a succule...
Read full storyCheryl Cole (Oops, I meant Tweedy...) To Sing Live At Reconciliation Concert With Justin Bieber
On again, off again, on again; this has been the pattern ever since two of the world's most popular, albeit not talented, popstars, began dating a few days ago. Two days ago, I made up the story of the two's relationship amidst rumours of marriage...
Read full storyUK population 75 million already
A study by a consortium of utility companies has estimated the population of the UK to be between 73 and 77 million. Whilst the official consensus of 2001 puts the figure at 61.5 million, critics have derided this as miles off the mark saying that...
Read full storyShock news on economy
'Don't worry about all these Jeremiah's predicting economic gloom' said the newly appointed Governor of the World Bank, Richard Nixon - cousin twice removed of the former American President - 'the world economy is set for a dramatic recovery.' Nix...
Read full storyVictoria to Sell Beckham's Sperm
As news breaks this morning that Cristiano Ronaldo is selling his sperm online, Victoria Beckham has issued a statement that she will be offering David Beckham's sperm for sale shortly. 'David's sperm is not currently available, we are presently w...
Read full storyCrime in the community - ethnic favourites
Politically incorrect think tank "What's gone on?" also known as WGO has published a divisive study into the preferred crimes of the different communities within Britain. Labour social scientists were quick to deride the study saying that the 'rac...
Read full storyGod not impressed by Lady Godiva
'I knew as soon as a woman took over from me we would have absolute chaos. We are back to square one' God told us with a telepathic communication today. God is on holiday and realises that he should have looked at Lady Godiva's references before giving her the job. 'I just didn't have the time' he whined 'I thought being a Lady and starting her name with God was enough.' God has now come to...
Read full storyRonaldo Sells Sperm in online auction
The Flea-bay online auction site is currently inviting bids on sperm, apparently donated by the Real Madrid and Portugal foot-balling super-star, Cristiano Ronaldo. In an interesting move, seen by some as a direct response to a recent report, that...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Derek Acorah Visits
Delight and amazement were the emotions on the faces of the residents of Wooton when Psychic Superstar Derek Acorah, 60, turned up at the village hall. "He wasn't booked," said Kathy Dewsnap, 32 of nearby Wootton village. "Apparently, he'd meant to be going to Walton, but mistyped the address into his sat-nav. We don't mind though, because he was amazing." Acorah has never visited the Isle o...
Read full storyQueen addresses the UN and calls for it to be disbanded
In a remarkable turn of events, Queen Elizabeth II has addresses the UN. Liz is the head of sixteen countries, and is the figurative leader of the fifty-two countries in the Commonwealth, overseeing nearly a third of the population of the planet.
Read full storyLocal Coucils asked to cut non-essential jobs
In an effort to cut budgets by a quarter, central government has asked local governments to cut inessential jobs from their payroll. The call comes after Bedlington Council were discovered to be employing cheerleaders to go around local events and...
Read full storyCheryl Tweedy Down With Malaria - Dancing Derek not To Blame
Somewhat surprisingly, Cheryl Tweedy, formerly Cheryl Cole out of Girls Aloud and the X-Factor, has come down with malaria. Which explains a multitude of accusations levelled at Britain's sweetest sweetheart since Princess Diana. Although experts...
Read full storyBedbugs Leave NYC Beds, First Look at WHY
According to "Dinner and a movie: Experts say bedbugs favor feasting on moviegoers in cushy theater seats," an article posted yesterday at NYDailyNews, NYC bedbugs are on the move. And movie theaters aren't their only "targets." According to the ar...
Read full storyIsraeli Soldier Accepts Toughest Mission: Dating Lindsay Lohan.
Life in Israel is tough enough: Besides being surrounded on all sides by people that hate them, national military service is mandatory for any citizen over the age of 18. It's tough for women as well: Israel is unique in that they assign women to...
Read full storyHonky Comedian Andy Dick Says That Black Comedian Dave Chappelle Is One Weird Ass Brother
CHALAMETTE, Louisiana - One of the strangest, weirdest, and downright ugliest looking comedians in the history of comedians was down in Chalamette helping the local Cajuns, Creoles, and bayou dwellers pick up them friggin yucky Gulf of Mexico tar bal...
Read full storyMichael Moore becomes a Nigerian citizen
Filmmaker Michael Moore, being ashamed of being white and hating America so much, has decided to move to Nigeria since he knows he will be welcome in scamming white people out of their money. The Nigerian legislature voted to grant Michael Moore a...
Read full storyNew uncomfortable prison being built in Guam
A new very uncomfortable prison is being secretly built in he U.S. territory of Guam. Most cells will be for 1 person each, the prisoners will sleep on a wooden bench, no toilet the prisoners will be using a hole in the floor instead whenever they...
Read full storyMrs. Grumpy rough on her students
A special education teacher named Mrs. Grumpy acts like she can cure disabilities, in the 1st semester she issues point sheets where students can get up to 4 points each subject, but points can be lost for various reasons. She uses a torturing for...
Read full storyManchester City Sign Cristiano Ronaldo's Baby For £120 Million
Ever determined to pip their illustrious neighbours at the post, the 'noisy neighbours' of Manchester City announced last night that Cristiano Ronaldo's baby has been signed up. For £120 million. Oh, we already said that, did we? City fought of...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Newby Primary School's Jumble Sale-Letter to Residents
Hello to everyone, This letter is to let you know that Newby Primary School is holding a Jumble Sale two weeks from this Thursday. It is to be held in the school hall and will be in operation from 10.00 am. until 12.00 pm. We are, through this letter to you, asking for donations for the jumble sale. The children need some new P.E. equipment and we can't get any more money from the Schoo...
Read full storyBP Oil Spill Killed Senator Robert Byrd
Friends of the late Robert Byrd says that a doctor who saw Byrd often blamed the BP Oil Spill for Byrd's death. "I realize that the Senator was an old Byrd..let me restate that. I realize that Senator Byrd was an old man but he was in fairly good...
Read full storyTick, Tock, Clink! Lindsay is Going To Do Time?
One again allegedly-Methedone-eligible Linsday Lohan slept on the bathroom floor until 3PM, only to awaken to the fact that jail is right around the corner for her. Lindsay's got another Court date Tuesday, to explain away -yet again- why she's vi...
Read full storyBobby Fischer Exhumed To Help With Tricky Chess Move
The remains of the US-born chess champion Bobby Fischer have been exhumed in Iceland to assist with the decision regarding a particularly tricky move in a game being staged in Reykjavik. Fischer, who was 118 years old when he died unexpectedly in...
Read full storyHoward Stern In Bed With Pornographer
Howard Stern, popular talk radio personality and controversial celebrity is on his soap box advising his fans and friends to pay close attention to the up coming trial in Washington D.C. The federal government against John Stagliano. Stagliano own...
Read full storyJohn Terry Demands Showdown With Fabio Capello Over Raoul Moat Publicity
Sources inform us that former England skipper John Terry has demanded a showdown with England boss Fabio Capello over the unwarranted publicity accorded to Tyneside gun nutter Raoul Moat. It seems that Terry, who played no part in any disharmony b...
Read full storyThe Beautiful Lusciously Sexy Russian Spy Anna Chapman To Showcase Her "Undercover Vagina" in PlayGuy Magazine"
BROOKLYN - Russian spy Anna Chapman was having dinner in Brooklyn's famous Hey Youse Restaurant when she was asked about the rumor going around that she had been asked to appear in a nude layout for PlayGuy Magazine. Chapman, winked and pointed ou…
Read full storyMelissa Joan Hart, Samantha Fox Beg: Our Vaginas Are Still Relevant!
Abunch of dried up old prunes that were famous for 3 days back when gas was $1.15 are cane-shaking mad that the warm, hairy parts of Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, and Miranda Cosgrove are getting all the attention, while theirs have the Google Trends imp...
Read full story