Written by The Medium Cheese

Tuesday, 6 July 2010

image for Police Close Off Northern England "Mad Zone"
Commuters in Darlington bus station this morning

Access to Northern England has been cut today while police wait for all the mad people to calm down

Only last week, the Council for Northern England announced last week that Cumbria and Northumbria are Britain's favourite locations for going insane. The announcement came just weeks after a tragic shooting spree on the west coast.

But Police have lambasted the council for encouraging local residents, including Ronald Stoat, to embark on a series of crazed countryside rampages. Stoat is armed with a pocketful of chip forks stolen from a fish and chip shop in Blythe, a black car with mad alloy wheels, and a gun.

The Chief Inspector of Police in No Place - yes, "No Place" is a place in the north east - knows Moat personally and described him as a calm and law abiding citizen before the Council's announcement went out on local TV. Within hours, hundreds of local people had taken up arms, set off to remote locations and started shooting at each other, and other people too, and at windows... and other things.

Yorkshire Police have joined forces with Manchester, Lancashire and Scottish police to set up a police cordon that completely encircles the mad zone. A spokesman said no one is allowed in or out of the far north of England until they've run out of bullets.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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