CHALAMETTE, Louisiana - One of the strangest, weirdest, and downright ugliest looking comedians in the history of comedians was down in Chalamette helping the local Cajuns, Creoles, and bayou dwellers pick up them friggin yucky Gulf of Mexico tar balls.
The Dick as he is known everywhere he goes said that he was at his West Hollywood apartment when she saw on the news about all of the effen crapola that was coming from that BP oil spill.
He said that right away he called his agent and told him that he wanted him to book him down in Louisiana at any local Holiday Inn, Ramada Inn, or Days Inn.
His agent told him that he tried but that nobody was interested in booking him since he was so damn strange, weird, and ugly.
Andy asked if they perhaps did not have him confused with David Spade, who looks a whole lot like him.
He was assured that the hotel management knew it was not David Spade.
So Andy decided to go down to Louisiana on his own. As soon as he arrived at Chalamette's St. Mosquito State Airport he was asked by a local reporter what he thought about the outlandish way that his friend Dave Chappelle had behaved on board a New Jersey to Ohio flight.
Andy shook his head and said that he was shocked at Dave's actions. It apparently all started when Dave got up to go use the bathroom and he could not find it.
He began arguing with one of the flight attendants who told him if he did not lower his voice and stop using the "F" word she would report him to the pilot.
Chappelle became more boisterous and complained that he had received a Coke Zero which had no ice and he had also been given a little bag of mini-pretzels when he had distinctly asked for a mini-ribeye steak cooked medium well.
He demanded to speak to the pilot. The pilot allowed him into the cockpit. Right away Dave started complaining that the plane was rocking a little to much for his liking.
The pilot assured him that the weather outside was perfect and if there was any rocking it was within himself. Dave took offense and asked to see the pilot's license.
The pilot instructed him to go back to his seat or else he would turn the plane around and head back to New Jersey.
Chappelle asked him why on Earth he would do that. And the pilot, who was also black told him, "Ta get jor black "n" ass back on land, so dat da local PO-lice can arrest your mother effen ass bro."
Dave told the pilot that he could not speak to him as if he was talking to Chris Rock or the other lookalike Chris, Chris Tucker.
The pilot told him that as far as he was concerned he did not care if he was Oprah friggin Winfrey or Whoopi freakin' Goldberg.
Chappelle told him that he would feel better if he (the pilot) would just let him fly the damn plane for 100 miles or so.
The pilot reached in a cockpit compartment, pulled out a set of handcuffs, and handcuffed one of his wrists to the door handle.
Chappelle yelled and hollered and actually sounded a little bit like Ellen DeGeneres on helium.
Finally one of the flight attendants entered the cockpit and sprayed him with pepper spray. He continued to yell and scream.
Another flight attendant walked in and she tased him. He yelled out, but stopped as soon as she said, "Okay now black boy, go ahead and keep on wiff yo hollerin' and jive screamin' and dis big black mama will tase your little black ass one more time, but dis time it really won't be your ass dat I be tasin', it be your pecker."
Dave shut his mouth. Sat down. And went beddy bye.
In other news. Osama Bin Laden has apparently been approached by Barbara Walters to do a one hour interview and he may agree to the interview on the grounds that she does not try a fast one and have him arrested.
