Military's new ninja school draws protests
The State Department's new Martial Arts Campus located near Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University has come under fire from activists who claim they're training people to murder.
Read full storyStonehenge new mecca for potheads
England's Stonehenge has become the new mecca for potheads around the world, surpassing even Weed, California as the favored vacation destination.
Read full storyJoyce's ADD and not talent made him a genius
Mt Laurel, New Jersey (ADDA Headquarters) - Irish writer James Joyce suffered from a case of severe adult Attention Deficit Disorder, causing him to lose track of what in hell he was even trying to get at while writing.
Read full storyRonaldo Knot Capable
Manchester United ace, Cristiano Ronaldo has suffered a slight injury, which may set back his start to the new premiership season. The skilful winger known for his trademark step-over trick got himself into a tangle at training with his international...
Read full storyNumber of Pretentious Articles about Sgt Pepper Pass Record Sales
As of this morning the number of pretentious articles written in the last month about "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" has surpassed the amount of units the classic album has sold in the past 40 years.
Read full storyCurse of Lisa Nowak blamed as space station glitch puzzles the experts
Outer Space - (Ass Mess): Jilted former NASA Captain Lisa Nowak may have sabotaged the International Space Station's computer banks as all six main control computers failed today.
Read full storyBand's music designed to cause illness?
The rock band Probe has become the focus of accusations from the medical community who say their music is causing listeners to feel sick.
Read full storyScooter Libby heads for Twin Towers' Paris Hilton Suite
Washington DC - (Ass Mess): Lawyers representing convicted lying, cheating, perjuring toerag Lewis Scooter Libby have demanded that their client comes under the LASD jurisdiction of Sherrif Lee Baca and is sent to the Twin Towers' Paris Hilton Su...
Read full storyFormer top Nazi and UN head Kurt Waldheim is dead
Austria - (Ass Mess): Former Nazi Youth pal of Pope Joseph Ratzinger, ex-UN head and retired President of Austria Kurt Waldheim has finally hung up his swastika-emblazoned hobnail boots and died at the age of 88.
Read full storyLondon Olympic Logo: Terrorism Links
A top secret MI5 dossier has found strong terrorist links with the London 2012 Olympics logo. The report was smuggled out of MI5 by a undercover reporter known to this reporter as agent WD40.
Read full storyPants! to low-slung trouser outrage in Louisiana
Louisiana - (Ass Mess): The sartorial police and Delcambre's Mayor Carol Broussard have come together to outlaw that ultimate offense to human dignity, the low-slung trousers.
Read full storyGeorge Bush bites off Vladimir Putin's head at WTO summit
Vladivostok, Russian Federation. (Royters) - As the news conference concluded between the cheerful leaders of the free world, a smiling President George W. Bush left his podium and approached Russian leader Vladimir Putin with extended arms, patted h...
Read full storyJennifer Aniston Naked & Nude For Water Advert
Jennifer Aniston is showing the world that she's over her well-publicised split from Brad Pitt by exposing her own well-publicised split to the world in an advert for bottled water.
Read full storyBarrymore Charged Over Fags in Pool Atrocity
Michael Barrymore and two other men have been arrested and charged by police today after new evidence emerged in their investigation conducted earlier this year.
Read full storyRudy Giuliani Threatens to Whack Ron Paul
June 14th 2007 (WASHINGTON) In an unprecedented move to silence Ron Paul, Guiliani was overheard talking with Tony Soprano in front of his campaign headquarters.
Read full storyBarrymore and two others arrested
Thursday, Essex - Police have arrested television personality Michael Barrymore at his home, according to a statement by Essex Police on Thursday.
Read full storyUFO Piloted By Hitler, George Galloway and Ronnie Biggs Crashes into Big Brother House
A UFO piloted by etc has crashed into the Big Brother house. The news agency Reuters reported that a "huge, metallic object - roughly the size of Siberia - was seen flying over London this morning.
Read full storyHilton was given HIV test
Los Angeles - (Ass Mess): Jailed socialite Paris Hilton was given a compulsory HIV test at the Twin Towers medical facility despite vehemently protesting her needlephobia and citing human rights to privacy.
Read full storyRoyal Ascot confirms Kate Middleton blacklisted
Berkshire - (Ass Mess): Security sources at Royal Ascot racecourse have admitted today that Kate Middleton and a raft of other persona non grata individuals will not gain admittance to the prestigeous five day event scheduled to start on Tuesday 19th...
Read full storyBarrymore 'flabbergasted' at pool death arrest
Essex - (Ass Mess): Comedian Michael Barrymore is said to be in a state of utter shock after being arrested along with two others this morning in the reopened murder probe into Stuart Lubbock's suspicious death six years ago.
Read full storyBig Brother Emily To Sue Channel 4 In Racial Discrimination Row
Expelled Big Brother housemate Emily Parr has threatened Channel 4 with court action over her ousting from the House last week.
Read full storyCabinet in £80 whip-round for Blair legal expenses
London - (Ass Mess): A legal defence fund in the cash-for-peerages scam has been set up for UK Prime Monster Tony Blair and his cohort Deputy PM John Prescott with Cabinet Ministers are being asked to contribute £80 each in a "whip-round".
Read full storySnooker Legend Alex Higgins In Assault On Ref
Irish snookerist Alex Higgins, 78, turned a charity snooker match into a charity boxing bout, and then a charity wrestling event, after he punched a referee in the stomach at the Spennymoor Leisure Centre
Read full storyJamaican Police "May Have Killed Woolmer"
Jamaican police have reacted angrily to new claims that Pakistan coach Bob Woolmer was still alive until his autopsy was carried out.
Read full storyCelebrity Big Brother Danielle Speaks Out On Current Crop Of Dimwits
Celebrity Big Brother housemate Danielle Lloyd has spoken out about current dimwitted participants Charley and Chanelle.
Read full storyCapitol Consumer Commission's Crusade Causes Crisis
WASHINGTON (Daily Rhyme)- Today the Consumer Product Safety Commission launched an avalanche of recalls that's tying tongues as well as hands across the nation. Flailing the fickle federal finger of fate, the faultfinding fellows...
Read full storyCommons mix-up with damaging bum sandwich
A House of Commons security guard has told London's High Court that a Welsh Labour MP repeatedly swore at him when he asked to see his pass. Martin Sock, MP for Clwwywyeeyeyewyd South, allegedly told guard Christopher Cheese-and Ham-Sandwich to "...
Read full storyFIFA Announces Ultimate Soccer Match - Gods vs Humans
London/USA: In a shocking revelation made here, FIFA told reporters here that the controversial football match to be held in August of this year between the gods and humans was going to take place as decided an all that was left was deciding the team...
Read full storyBlair to step down in style
Tony Blair has jokingly announced that when his time comes to step down "you better be ready, because I'm nobody's bitch!" His comment was uttered during an interview for the downing street website.
Read full storyBrown pushes transport into new millenium.
Gordon Brown is preparing a radical shake-up of the current state of British transportation for the public and commuters alike.
Read full storyEarth to lose its "planet" status
On Monday,the international community met in Chowpati (Bombay) and discussed for an hour about the planetary status handed to Earth.
Read full storyPaulson against legislation to curb Yuan, Rice favors Birth Pangs
Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson has views contrary to four leading Democrat and Republic Senators in tackling the nuance of artificially kept low values for the Chinese currency Yuan, the root cause for burgeoning trade imbalances between the U.S...
Read full story911-calls from Emergency Rooms considered 'Wave of the Future'
US and A - Hospitals and Health Insurers expect 911-calls placed in Emergency Room waiting areas to be the rule rather than the exception in the very near future.
Read full storyA weapon fragment found in whale
Alaska - Officials have found a fragment of a bomb lance in a bowhead whale. According to experts, the fragment was a manufactured around 1880.
Read full storyParis Hilton Fires Talent Agent!
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Jail - Paris Hilton, after landing in jail again, has fired her talent agent. Michael Donkis, said on Tuesday that the 26-year-old socialite "is no longer a client of Endeavor," and her manager's office confirmed...
Read full storyPentagon dusts off 'Shock-and-Awe' strategy for Iraq
BAGHDAD (Early Bird News Service) - Just in time for upcoming Fourth of July celebrations, Pentagon officials have announced that the United States will recommence a 'shock-and-awe' bombing campaign in Iraq.
Read full storyOnline gamers distracted from real conversation
For many, the computer games they sit down to play every evening have become an extension of their social life.
Read full storyHirst Diamond Skull Rumored to be that of Jeff Koons
Oddly enough, no one in the media asks whose skull it is, but the diamond-encrusted platinum-trimmed skull called an "art work" - and entitled "For the Love of God" so as to maintain its essential link with unmeaning cliche - is r...
Read full storyWorld of Warcraft woos world
The runaway hit computer game World of Warcraft has been making appearances on several popular television programs. "Make Love, Not Warcraft" from the cable show South Park was WoW's first nod from popular culture.
Read full storyWhoopi Goldberg to Replace Rosie O'Donnell on The View
Whoopi Goldberg has signed a contract to replace Rosie O'Donnell on The View. Whoopi, another actress who started out as a comedian and had her own talk show, is hoped to bring some civility and normalcy to the show.
Read full storySalvation Army No Longer Accepting Donations with NYPD/FDNY Logos
Due to a deluge of unwanted hats and t-shirts with the NYPD and FDNY markings, the Salvation Army said they are no longer accepting these items at their nationwide collection centers.
Read full storyPope and Vatican Begin Selling Indulgences on E-Bay
In an effort to revive flagging revenues due to recent bad business investments and poor publicity, the Vatican announced today that the Catholic Church will begin selling indulgences. These "get out of jail free cards" permit the owner to...
Read full storyBrain implant procedure approved for general population
Cyberkinetics Inc. of Foxboro, MA, has received Food and Drug Administration approval to expand its use of brain implants to include elective surgery. "Disabled people will no longer be the only ones that can benefit from being able to control t...
Read full story