Written by Hugh Plonnka

Thursday, 14 June 2007


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image for Barrymore and two others arrested
A swimming pool. Stuart Lubbock was found dead in one of these.

Thursday, Essex - Police have arrested television personality Michael Barrymore at his home, according to a statement by Essex Police on Thursday.

Six years ago, Stuart Lubbock was found dead at the bottom of Mr Barrymore's swimming pool, and the coroner returned an open verdict.

Barrymore was arrested with two other men, aged 37 and 32, on suspicion of serious sexual assault and murder.

"We don't know whether Lubbock is, or was even, queer, but he'd certainly taken a major league humping up his rear end" Detective Chief Inspector Horace Mophobe (then just a Detective Sergeant) said following the discovery of Lubbock's body in 2001. "We haven't ruled out the possibility that he hadn't 'come out', was ashamed of what he'd done, and drowned himself" he continued.

However, it has come to light over the past few days following consultation with a former girlfriend of Lubbock, that he definitely was not homosexual.

"Miss Hardenfassed has told us that Mr Lubbock was definitely not one of that lot" Mophobe said today. "He never once attempted to give it to this woman up her bottom, and enjoyed putting his piece in between her dangly bits.

"She is adamant that he was a stallion in the bedroom, and we are happy that he was not thinking about men while he was knocking her off.

"As a result, we can only assume that Barrymore and his gay mates raped him up his bum, and did God knows what else to him to be perfectly honest, and then drowned him to stop him coming to the police.

"Obviously I can't say too much as these are only allegations at this time, but it's fair to say I'm confident he'll be caged for a very, very long time, although I feel physical castration and then a public hanging or even crucifixion may be more fitting punishment."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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