Written by Shaun Ferguson

Thursday, 14 June 2007

Jamaican police have reacted angrily to new claims that Pakistan coach Bob Woolmer was still alive until his autopsy was carried out.

New evidence has emerged in the ever deepening story of Woolmer's demise.

It seems that in the early hours of the morning Woolmer had called his hotel reception and asked for a doctor, due to a moderate nose bleed.

According to hotel staff, a doctor who attended on Woolmer had seen press photographs of him which had shown him with a full head of grey hair, but found his patient to be brunette.

At some stage Woolmer went into his bathroom and on seeing his face in the shaving mirror he fainted. At that moment a hotel security officer walked into the room, saw Woolmer's lifeless body and the doctor said "Him dyed!"

The security officer is said to have called the police to report a suspicious death and the coroner was instructed to take the lifeless body away. A full autopsy was carried out which, according to a spokesperson for New Scotland Yard, had probably killed him.

Asked to explain the bruising on Woolmer's neck which had led to an earlier announcement that he had been strangled, the spokesman explained that the coroner's assistant had lent his official van to his brother who was in the process of moving house. "The man borrowed his neighbour's hatchback which has a loading floor of only 5 feet, while the deceased was 6 feet 2 inches tall. DNA evidence was discovered on the vehicle's tailgate.

Jamaican police vehmently deny blame and insist the cornonor was "pretty sure" he was already passed on.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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