Obama declares Beyoncé's musical chart topper 'To the Left, To the Left' as his official 2008 Presidential campaign theme song
Washington, D.C. - Barack Obama has announced today that Beyoncé's popular musical chart topper, "To the Left, To the Left," is now his official 2008 Presidential campaign song. However, the decision to go with the song caused a rift i...
Read full storyTony Blair Found Squatting in Flat
Today in rather strange circumstances ex PM Tony Blair was found squatting in an abandoned flat...
Read full storyTime Traveler posts Ron Paul video on youtube
A time traveler who is a Ron Paul supporter has posted a video on youtube showing election night 2008. The video clearly shows CNN making the announcement that Ron Paul is the winner of the 2008 Presidential election.
Read full storyNew York restaurants say De Niro is 'bad-assed mean tipper'
Hells Kitchen, Upper West Side, New York - (Rotters): Restaurant staff at a chain of eateries part-owned by Hollywood actor Robert de Niro have downed tools and branded their boss a bad-assed mean tipper who has pocketed all their hard-earned gratuit...
Read full storyTraffic Wardens face Conscription!
Following the government's decision to send a further 28,000 troops to Darfur in the Sudan, the senior officer of the British Army is forced to consider conscription.
Read full storyGorgon Brown appoints Sooty as his new Middle East Envoy
Drowning Street, London SW1 - (Ass Mess): Whitehall sources confirmed today that Lord Levy has been replaced by Sooty as Middle East envoy by Prime Monster Gorgon Brown.
Read full storyShambo the Bull has karmic last laugh as monks deride foot & mouth outbreak
Skanda Vale, Carmarthenshire - (Karmic Press): Shambo, the sacred bull slaughtered by government officials this week after developing a rare strain of bovine TB, may have had the last, karmic laugh at his executioners.
Read full storyAmtrak Provides Free Booze, AA Responds
No sooner had Amtrak announced a program providing $100 in free booze on selected train trips than Alcoholics Anonymous announced a new AA program on wheels.
Read full storyDeep Purple, Whitesnake singer's unbearable experience
Lake Tahoe, California - (Rioters): "He came looking for me, all 400 pounds of him mean and nasty, fangs as sharp as knives and talons a foot long. Sure, I got him in the end I guess because I was the smarter of the two and used my natural guile...
Read full storyMeeting Place
Rock Hudson (1925-1985), the immaculate good looking movie star and Pat Tillman, (1976-2004), the football star, were both sitting on the bank of Mississippi river, watching the debris in the river when Rock tossed a pebble down the river. Then Pat picked up an egg-shaped pebble and threw it in the air in the same direction. The pebble landed in the center of the ripples. Now, Rock, addressing Pat...
Read full storyHop on the bus, Gus!
A man, posing as a tourist, approached the bright yellow chicken, standing outside the court in RAINSVILLE, Ohio, holding up the sign "No Chicken Ranch in RAINSVILLE!"...
Read full story"I am just soooo still a Socialist" claims Cherie B
Stalinist Scouse Actor Tony Booth has upset his social climbing daughter by stating that, "She is no longer a Socialist as far as I can see. How anyone can stay so silent while her husband spreads British Imperialism throughout the world is beyo...
Read full storyTaliban Blues Band Belts Out New Hit
Taliban City, Talibania (IP) - We find our music and entertainment reporter on the scene, Ebenezer Finootch, in a dimly lit coffee shop on Osama Street secretly writing down a transcript of a new blues song which has become a big hit with Talibanese youth still fortunate enough to own a radio and those hard to get D-cell batteries that these radios require.
Read full storyVertically Challenged, The Tom Cruise Story
Recently, our very own Scoop Johnson had an opportunity to sit down with the little one for an interview. This is his exclusive interview with Tiny Tom.
Read full storyHead of Russia's navy says it should have permanent naval presence in Alaskan waters
Bloodyvostok, Russia - (Rioters): Admiral Vladimir Masorin, head of the Russian navy, has said it should have a permanent naval presence in Alaskan water, mirroring the military ambitions of the Corrupt Bastards Club.
Read full storyPolice respond to 911-phone call at L.A. Mayor's mansion; new girlfriend demands he merges his last name with hers
Los Angeles, California - Police responded to the Los Angeles Mayor's mansion in the early morning predawn hours today to a 911-phone call from neighbors complaining of raised voices, and the sound of shattering glass. Police arrived to find the...
Read full storyFrangrant Kate Moss perfume "smells like coke and looks like piss sample"
London - (Rioters): The launch date for Kate Moss's new signature perfume L'Air du Moss has been postponed indefinitely after fragrance industry complaints that it "smells exactly like cocaine".
Read full storyNicole Richie ready to check into the Hilton Suite at Lynwood
Lynwood, California - (Ass Mess): "I love Sherrif Lee Baca!" proclaims the 10ft x 6ft laminated poster of the Los Angeles Sherrif department top man in what has been dubbed the official Paris Hilton Suite at the Lunwood Correctiona...
Read full storyFoot & Mouth outbreak "in farm next door to Heather Mills new des res"
Surrey, England - (Disater Press): The outbreak of foot and mouth disease announced yesterday has been located to a Surrey farm right next door to Heather Mills's new £3 million bijou residence.
Read full storyTricky Ricky Warns Prison Break Is Imminent at CPDRC
In a memo received by prison officials yesterday, the Trickster warns of a 'massive exodus of inmates' at the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center. Cebu, which means cuckolded in Puerto Rico, has been allowing the prisoners to...
Read full storyCorrupt Bastards found in Hawaii
Alaska - (Ass Mess): Alaska's Corrupt Bastards Club has been confirmed as having established an outreach orifice in Hawaii with the news today that Hawaii's Senior Senator Daniel Inouye is a largesse recipient from the dodgy oil industry graf...
Read full storyEverything you wanted to know about Bra's, but were afraid to ask.
In a fascinating new book due to be published next month, Professor Peter Trainor from Slade Green in Kent has become the first British Historian to explore in it's entirety the history and sociological importance of the female bra.
Read full story"Muslim cows" attempt to destroy British farming
The leader of the British Nationalist Party (BNP) has launched a scathing attack on what he calls the most "real and serious danger that British cows face".
Read full storyIRA clergy squeezing Gorgon Brown over ancient Royal marriage laws
London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Ever since Henry VIII banished the megalomania aspirations of the satanic Popish cult over the Throne of England the Catholic Church has attempted to sneak back in by stealth.
Read full storyMacdonalds announce new burger
MacDonald's has announced the launch of their new burger the "Big chav". It is hoped that this will attract a larger number of people to their restaurants to boost declining sales. They have also announced a plan to create a baby sized...
Read full storyMurdoch's Wall Street Journal purchase "a preparation to back Hillary 2008"
Wall Street - (Ass Mess): Rupert Murdoch's purchase of the Wall Street Journal this week has been confirmed by insider trading sources as his final preparation to officially back Hillary Clinton's 2008 White House bid.
Read full storyDiana was a smack addict: archives
London - (Ass Mess): Diana, Princess of Wales became addicted to heroin shortly after the birth of her son William according to archived classified reports unearthed in the Public Records Office today.
Read full storyEddie Murphy: "Scary Spice stole my sperm!"
Hollywood - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Hollywood star Eddie Murphy has hit back at this week's paternity lawsuit findings by claiming 'Scary Spice' - former Spice Girl Mel B - "literally stole the sperm from my balls" to impregnate...
Read full storySpielberg and Lucas to Make Spoof Movie
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Dublin - It looked like The Spoof movie had fallen into the Twilight Zone as the cost increased.
Read full storyMahjong epilepsy scare traced to sourgrapes competition losers
Hong Kong - (Ass Mess): Scientists at the Queen Mary II Hospital in Hong Kong have found 'conclusive porrf' that sourgrapes mahjong international competition losers have been spreading rumors alleging the game can give players epilepsy.
Read full storyHarmful levels of Testosterone found in Irn Bru
Sold as a harmless Scottish fruit drink, Irn Bru has found itself under threat after allegations that each can contains, "almost 20 times the legal amount of the male hormone testosterone".
Read full storyPutin's Arctic sub caught spying on Queen Mary II in NYC
New York - (Ass Mess): A Russian mini-submarine used to claim hydrocarbon prospecting rights underneath the Arctic Ocean has been caught spying on the ocean-going liner the Queen Mary II which was berthed just outcide New York City this morning.
Read full storyHannibal Lecter To Unveil Tommy Cooper Statue
Welsh actor and sculptor Sir Hannibal Lecter is to unveil a statue of Tommy Cooper in the dead comedian's home town of Caerphilly.
Read full storyHarvey Nichols To Stop Selling Liver Pate
Harvey Nichols, the posh people's shop that many working class folk treat as a sort of Mecca, will stop selling foie gras, senior executives announced yesterday.
Read full storyFoot & Mouth outbreak: The Spoof! warned COBRA a week ago
London - (Ass Mess) The Government's COBRA emergency committee met today to contain reports that it was warned on 26 July by the satirical internet website The Spoof! about the dangers of the July floods spreading foot and mouth disease which hav...
Read full storyBush Says Don't Worry About Hoof and Mouth Disease
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - It seems that Hoof and Mouth Disease is running rampant throughout the world. In the U.K. they call it "Foot and Mouth Disease." Does this worry our "Commander Guy?" NO!...
Read full story"Saddam had Bridge Work done on N.H.S." claims nutty Boris
Interbred Tory MP Boris Johnson has criticised the Government over what he sees as double standards regarding dental care in Britain today.
Read full storyWhen Will Bush Decide He Has ENOUGH Power?
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Washington - President Bush added power to the power to the power to the power that he gave himself by issuing the Executive Order: Block...
Read full story"Not what I expected" admits Worrall-Thompson
Celebrity diabetic Anthony Worrall Thompson has claimed that the plastic surgery he believed would improve his life has not gone quite as he had planned.
Read full storyBig Brother Halfway Halfwits Shanessa And David Evicted From House
Big Brother housemates Shanessa and David were evicted from the Halfway House last night as the show became ever more tedious with another boring anti-climax.
Read full storyPost-Mortem Examination Due On Failed Glasgow Airport Bomber
A post-mortem examination on the body of a man suspected of being involved in the terror attack on Glasgow airport, is due to be carried out later today.
Read full storyAmerican Airlines to Remove Toilets From All Flights
In yet another cost saving move,American Airlines is removing all toilets from their aircraft, accept for one to be used by flight crew only. First class passengers will have to pay $5 per trip for the priviledge of using the flight crew's Johnny...
Read full story"I'll carry on fighting" claims Barton
Fans fearing that Joey Barton's football could get in the way of his fighting career were more relaxed today after the Scouse Scrapper pledged to carry on fighting.
Read full storyMuslim Cleric "Saying Nasty Things About Westerners"
Prison officers working at a jail in Worcestershire where a radical Muslim cleric is being held have said that they suspect him of saying "nasty spiteful things" about Westerners, and about...
Read full storyNicole Richie Will Seductively Lounge In The Paris Hilton
Rumor has it that Nicole Richie has made a decision on where to spend her 4 days in jail. Nicole was sentenced to 4 days incarceration by a Los Angeles court mediator a few days ago. Nice thing for Nicole is, she decides where and when she does her t...
Read full storyLeeds United To Be 'Banished To The Wilderness'
Leeds United were yesterday dealt a fresh blow to their already almost insurmountable problems, when the Football League imposed a 15-point penalty on the West Yorkshire club.
Read full storyFoot & Mouth Could Spell The End For Brown
A confirmed outbreak of the extremely contagious Foot & Mouth disease on a farm in Surrey could be 'the straw that breaks the camels back' for Prime Minister Gordon Brown, say political analysts.
Read full storyBush caused major hurricane
(New Orleans, LA) - New Orleansians are irate over a recent study that supposedly proves that President George W. Bush was responsible for creating Hurricane Katrina with his weather machine in 2005.
Read full story'Blackmail' an issue for USPS
(Selma, AL) - Several Caucasian United States Postal Service employees have been fired after allegedly tampering with mail intended to be delivered to the homes of over 800 local African American residents.
Read full storyDenmark Declares War on Russia Over North Pole
In a surprise move today Denmark has given Russia one week to move off the North Pole and get it's grubby paws off the mineral rights there. Denmark issued that warning, if they don't comply its war!...
Read full storyCows With Prosthetic Legs Protest Heather Mills' Land Grab!!
Reutorooter Press - Several cows in a Sussex farm pasture next to Heather Mill's new estate have begun an around the clock protest of Heather Mills McCartney. The bovines are apparently upset at the vegetarian's attempts to buy their pasture...
Read full storyLeading Source of Polar Melting: Walrus Farts
According to a new National Geographic study released Wednesday, Walrus farts are now the leading contributer to polar ice melting. However, despite their danger, walrus flatulence has, until recently, passed under the radar. Apparently North Ameri...
Read full storyBush calls for conference to stop greenhouse gases
President George Bush unveiled plans this afternoon to destroy all the greenhouses in the US and other parts or the world in order to stop global warming.
Read full storyBill Clinton Refuses to be Called First Lady
Former United States President William Jefferson "Bill" Clinton, husband of current New York Senator and Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton, has decided that he does not want to be the first lady.
Read full storyRural Isolation Soon To Become Obsolete
Silicone Valley (San Jose Duodenum) - Uniting the power of the internet with wireless technology and principles of indoor plumbing, Ted Clampett (grandson of Jed Clampett) has stumbled upon a discovery that could radically alter the lives of millions...
Read full story