Lake Tahoe, California - (Rioters): "He came looking for me, all 400 pounds of him mean and nasty, fangs as sharp as knives and talons a foot long. Sure, I got him in the end I guess because I was the smarter of the two and used my natural guile to lure the bastard out of the guest bedroom, out to the back yard and into the pool. Then soon as he jumped in I pulled the plug and called the cops. Voila!"
Rock star David Coverdale recounted the details of his unbearably terrifying experience today after confronting a grizzly bear ransacking his Lake Tahoe home.
The Whitesnake singer, formerly with Deep Purple, said the bear broke into his home on Wednesday, looking for trouble.
Coverdale, 55, recounted how he thought at first he was having an LSD flashback, like a re-experienced sort of hallucination from the great old Deep Purple days of magic mushrooms and mescalin.
"Then I realised it wasn't a psychotic vision but a great big black grizzly bastard of a bear helping itself to chocolate left behind in the guest bedroom of my house.
"So I lured him out by putting on a Barry Manilow album - Barry Manilow Sings Frank Sinatra's All-Time Favorite Russian Lullabys, I think, at full blast on the MusicSurround home entertainment system, and made sure the bastard could only escape through carefully arranged open doors leading outside.
"Man! Did he hate Barry Manilow!
"Soon as the first track was playing I saw the bear contort with pain and try to cover his evil--looking furry face with his paws.
"But I'd turned the volume up so loud that it became just u-n-b-e-a-r-a-b-l-e for him and soon he fell for my ruse by rushing outside into the garden.
"It was another really hot day by Lake Tahoe, 105 degrees I guess, and just as I had hoped Old Grizzly made straight for the pool before jumping in like he owned the place.
"But I was waiting for him and had anticipated his every move!
"From my remote-controled internet phone I just dialled up the instructions for my home computer to begin draining the pool and within minutes half the water was gone and the beast was stuck at the bottom!
"That's when I called 911 and eventually the cops arrived, shot the bear with a stun gun before winching him out and taking him away some place.
"I'm thinking of writing a song about the whole experience.
"Now what's that number about "Bear Necessities" go like? Oh yeah!....."