Vertically Challenged, The Tom Cruise Story

Funny story written by Johnny Ovaltine

Saturday, 4 August 2007

Recently, our very own Scoop Johnson had an opportunity to sit down with the little one for an interview. This is his exclusive interview with Tiny Tom.

SJ-Short stuff, when did you first realize you might be longitudinally discrepancied?

TT-Well, when I was 10, my dad installed a couple of extra steps on my bike to help me climb on. I had them till I was 14. He also put in a special kick-stand that went down on both sides at the same time. That was my first clue.

SJ-Mushroom boy, what about high school, did you have a 'little friend' for the prom?

TT-Well, there was this one girl that I liked, Shaneequa Coleman, Gary's sister, but she wouldn't go with me anywhere because she was an inch taller than I was.

SJ-Mr. Peabody, what happened on the set of Mission Impossible?

TT-I got pissed off because everybody kept farting and, you know, my nose is like right there and…

SJ-No, no, not that Dr. Dwarfomatic. The motorcycle problem.

TT-Oh that. There's a scene where I have to ride a motorcycle but I couldn't reach the handle bars so they had to make a special bike for me. I was nearly killed when I fell off. It's a good thing I had my picnic basket in the sidecar, I landed safe and snug. The toy company Little Tykes was called in for the modifications and they did a wonderful job.

SJ-And your woman, my little munchkin, what about your current wife, Katie 'the beard' Holmes, is she the one?

TT-She better love me or she just had 4 inches of bone shaved off each leg for nothing!

SJ-In addition to having a physically scrawny chasse, are you a metro-sexual? Are you in touch with your feminine side?

TT-Oh sure, I'm all for that. Usually I have someone that touches my feminine side for me but that's another story. I mean, I'm a hetero-sexual, metro-sexual and a homo-sexual. You know they've been around for a long time. The first ones were called homo-sapiens. Isn't that cool?

SJ-What about Scientology Mr. micro-bones, what about that?

TT-Well it's simple. I always did pretty well in school, especially in science. It was a natural choice.

SJ-In light of your midgetidity, where do you go from here?

TT-I'm going to Payless, I hear there's a special on platform shoes for the summer!

As you can see, life hasn't always been a bed of straw in a matchbox for our Lilliputian but, he's made the best of it. I think we can all take a page from his little black book.
This has been a Scoop Johnson/Johnny Ovaltine production. 'Insane And Loving It."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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