Simon Cowell Offered To Help BP In Clean-up
Although he's known as the judge of talent, Simon Cowell has offered to help stop the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico and save the Florida, Alabama, shorelines. "Since I am a topnotch judge of talent, I proposed that all new ideas be sent to me fir...
Read full storyLos Angeles Breaks all Ties with Arizona
Led by major Hollywood producers, Los Angeles California has moved one more step closer to war with the State of Arizona. On the forefront of the charge is Sean Penn, who has vowed that Arizona will never be allowed to see another Hollywood F...
Read full storyBP Insider Says That Well Leaked Much Worse Than It's Telling People!
Will people have to leave the Gulf area? An insider who still works at BP, our own "Deep Float", says that the leak was much worse than they have told anyone, even the U.S. President, and that it may still be coming up from around the well. "...
Read full storyPattinson, Stewart Say No To Twilight Prequel!
Although Robert Pattinson says that it would be a very interesting project to have a Twilight Prequel, he has decided that he would not be in it. Coming on the heels of Kristen Stewart's announcement yesterday that she wasn't interested, this did...
Read full storyWorld Cup Threatened in New 'Balls Up' Fatwa Issued by Mullahs Protesting 8 Panel Ball!
Militant Mullahs from around the world have promised crippling Fatwas over the FIFA decision to introduce a new 8 panel soccer ball to the FIFA world cup starting in South Africa this month and culminating with the championship game July 11 in Johann...
Read full storyAdministration Advisor: Jihad is a 'Legitimate Tenet of Islam'
John Brennan, Obama's top counter-terrorism adviser, called jihad a "legitimate tenet of Islam," and further argued the term "jihadists" should not be used to describe the jihadists that are America's enemies. At Center for Strategic and Internat...
Read full storyCODE ALPHA: National Security Agency Monitors Dr. Billingsgate
CODE ALPHA: For those Spoofers who aren't aware of the existence of the National Security Agency and its ability to tap into your phone and internet conversations, let me assure you that the good doctor has always been on top of this insidious "eye i...
Read full storyMatt Damon Cast as Spongebob in New Movie
The silly cartoon series Spongebob is coming of age with real actors and a real movie plot. This time Spongebob and Patrick aren't goofy bubble chasers they are spies for Bikini Bottom Intelligence (BBI). The movie has an all-star cast; the title...
Read full storyCameraman Fired over Closeup of Siobhan Magnus' Whoo-Hoo
Los Angeles, CA - Last night's American Idol Finale wasn't without controversy. In fact, not long after the show started, the first of many "live" glitches occurred, and because of it, a cameraman lost his job. If you blinked, you probably mis...
Read full storySuBo fanatics in meltdown panic!
Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatical loonies were in a panic earlier when their beloved meeting place was unavailable for several hours. It is thought the server was suffering from 'bullshit overload' and shut itself down in an attempt to save hum...
Read full storyRyan Seacrest Says That He Did Not Know The American Idol Winner Beforehand
CHICAGO - Local morning talk radio DJ Covelle "Da Black Bro" Pitchfinch on station WHAT claims that host Ryan Seacrest knew a full six hours before the American Idol finale show went on the air who the winner was. Illinois native, Lee DeWyze was d...
Read full story"Artificial Life" Achieved, Dr. Craig Venter Is A God Walking Among Pond Scum
What is the big deal? Well, a genetic god walks among us! Dr. Venter has created "artificial life"! It is SO important for the world. Why? It just is. Especially for those science neigh sayers who don't want anything like this happening. Well...
Read full storyNuclear weapons handed out to North Korean school children
North Korea have embarked on a baffling and astonishing effort to snub the international community by giving out portable nuclear weapons to school children throughout the country. In efforts which are described to be akin to the "One Laptop Per C...
Read full storyObama to lay Wreath upon Tomb of the Unknown Janitor
Breaking with a long-held tradition, Barack Obama will not attend the Memorial Day ceremony performed by every other American war-time President of laying the wreath upon the head gravestone at Arlington National Cemetery. Instead, Mr. Obama...
Read full storyAn Open Letter To "Food Nazis" Everywhere And In Particular The One Who Insulted Me At Trader Joe's:
I understand, it is for our own good. You lecture perfect strangers in markets to get them to realize they have a choice in the food they buy. Really? We have a choice? I would have never realized that unless you had told me in the most patronizing fashion, which you probably thought was you being nice. I had wanted to tell you where you could go with your "advice" but my children were pr...
Read full storyU2 come clean over Glasto cancellation!
Bono, also known as The Crow, or the prick with sunglasses has had to pull U2 for performing at Glastonbury's 150th anniversary for fears that the Irish rock band might be attacked by disgruntled fans. The band that has been releasing top ten shits s...
Read full storyAmerican Idol Winner Lee DeWyze Says He'll Be Buying The Paint Shop At Which He Worked
HOLLYWOOD - American Idol's latest winner, Lee DeWyze told Ryan Seacrest backstage at the Nokia Theater that he will take some of the $1 million first prize money and buy the paint store that he worked at back in Mount Prospect, Illinois. Seacrest...
Read full storyCheryl Cole Desperate To Learn The Mumbai Two Step
It seems like Cheryl Cole isn't the type to let the grass grow beneath her petite and pretty feet (which incidentally only ever smell of roses) as, following her divorce petition she has announced that she is desperate to incorporate a new dance rout...
Read full storyKara DioGuardi Devastated Over American Idol's Simon Cowell Leaving The Show
HOLLYWOOD - American Idol's prettiest judge, Kara DioGuardi is said to be totally devastated at the fact that her fellow judge and touchy-touchy, feely-feely judges desk mate has quit the show. Cowell said that he hates to leave the show because t...
Read full storyCrystal Bowersox Insouciant about Idol Loss
Cleveland, OH - Back home again after months in Lost Angeles appearing on American Idol, Crystal Bowersox made the rounds to local television and radio stations giving basically the same interview over and over. The following is a compilation of the interviews and as you can see, it is quickly making its rounds on the internet as the most generic interview ever broadcast via any medium, anywhe...
Read full storyMan kills his grandfather during time-travel; finds out his Grandmother was sleeping around
When Yorkshireman Bob Ecclesfield invented a time-machine, it must seemed that he was going to have a lot of grand days ahead of him. However, one particular time adventure turned out to be more interesting than he imagined. Bob, 43, wanted to know what a paradox felt like. He decided to go for the ol' chestnut of trying to kill his Grandfather in order to see whether he would end up being a co...
Read full storyFormer Pirate Captain Morse Sold For £8.38 On Dickinson's Real Deal
TV viewers in the UK were almost literally glued to their flatscreen TV sets as South Carolina based former pirate captain, Morse was sold off by his wife and dog for £8.38 on cheap Antiques Roadshow rip off Dickinson's Real Deal. On hearing that...
Read full storyBritish actor Robert Pattinson announced as new Spider-man 4
British actor Robert Pattinson has been announced today as the next Spider-man in Sam Raimi's new film "A spider ate my baby". Pattinson, star of the Twilight films and Harry Potter, is said to be ecstatic. "A spider ate my baby" is due for releas...
Read full storyStephen Griffiths arrest: Yorkshire Ripper slams 'amateurish' Bradford murder suspect
HMP Broadmoor - (Slashers): The Yorkshire Ripper today poured scorn on the 'Bradford Ripper' moniker following the arrest of suspected serial killer Stephen Griffiths. Peter Sutcliffe is said to be livid at the dilution of the 'Ripper' brand which...
Read full storyThe Ku Klux Klan Has Said They Are Moving Their Home Office To Arizona
TUSCALOOSA, Alabama - The Grand Exalted Dragon Wizard of The Grand Imperial Order of The Knights of The Off-White Bougainvillea, Rayford "Whitey" Giddykoontz has just announced that the Ku Klux Klan is moving their headquarters from Tuscaloosa, Alaba...
Read full storyTiger Woods And Elin In Fierce Battle Over Their Kids
"Elin has no right to take them away from me all the time", Tiger Woods reportedly told his golfing practice buddy, Sunday. "She'll constantly leave them with nannies while she goes on skiing trips." Not taking this sitting down, Elin was telling...
Read full storyMan, version 2.0 - man created with ten opposable thumbs
Scientists today unveiled what they described as evolution's "next step" - a person with no fingers but instead with 10 opposable thumbs. The man, or "man two-point-oh" as he likes to be called, was created as a fully-grown 30 year old, complete w...
Read full storySimon Cowell In Hospital After Big Boob Attack
According to witnesses at a restaurant in New York City last night, Simon Cowell was beaten about the head and shoulders by a big boobed performer and wound up being taken to the hospital for whiplash. Cowell and his party were near the back at a...
Read full storyAusterity Program in Greece Working: Millions of Frogs Block Traffic Crossing Road Trying to Leave Country!
Traffic was snarled for hours as millions of Frogs packed up and crossed the road in Langadas in a mad dash for the coast and hopes to return home to France after Greece announced all benefits would be cut! The Bankrupt country, known to be adver...
Read full storyAstrologers wetting themselves at Friday's earth-shattering portents
The Cosmos - (Karmic Mess): First there's a full moon. A few hours later the dynamic planet Uranus enters Aries the Ram. And then all hell breaks loose as Friday 28 May 2010 dawns to become the apocalyptic Day of Judgement predicted by the ancients...
Read full storyGirls Aloud split; Cheryl Cole to join Black Eyed Peas
All-girls group Girls Aloud have today announced they have decided to go their separate ways. In what has been described in various media outlets as a "break up", the band members are said to be each branching out to pursue their own various interest...
Read full storyApple unveils new iDie product
Following reports of escalating suicide rates at its Chinese manufacturing plant, Apple today unveiled its latest iDie product. The new iDie computer, a heavily-customized iPad unit, has the following features: * Slate, tombstone-shape...
Read full storySarah Duchess of York dines out with MMR quack Andrew Wakefield
New York - (Toxic Mess): The pair were spotted in a huddle at a Hell's Kitchen brasserie eating crow as their respective admirers continued a rearguard charm offensive back home in Blighty. Neither of the disgraced duo appeared to be in a hurry to...
Read full storySony Full HD 1080p television found for under £15
Bargain website DealsWhatAreHot.web has found its meagre web-traffic more than double over the last few hours after finding a sneaky way to get a Sony Full HD 1080p television for under £14.99. The television in question is a Sony KDL-46WE5, often...
Read full storyErin Andrews Back in Time for World Cup: Promises Sex Laden Half Time Dance Exhibition with Co-Host Skoob on Platform Bed!
ESPN Sports Host and Dancing with the Stars Finalist Erin Andrews says she's fitter than ever, and ready to take on the challenge of side line interviews at the World Cup in South Africa starting next month. There will be 9 host cities, and almost...
Read full storyBrontosaurus Anyone? Or How About A Behemoth? Free - Must Be Able to Carry Away!
Hey want to own your very own brontosaurus? Jesus, this thing is larger than life, but if you want it it'll cost you more than an arm and a leg to carry it away! The National Showcave Centre for Wales, near Swansea, has a huge-mungus problem - the...
Read full storyFat Japanese wrestlers "flashmob" misspelled SuBo meeting
Scores of fat Japanese wrestlers today "flashmobbed" Carbohole Hall in Shrophire, England, only to find that they had accidentally gatecrashed a completely different event. The event was originally put on by Susan Boyle "SuBo" Fan Club members who we...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson marries Kristen Stewart on Isle of Naboombu
In news that is likely to shock the world and destroy the sweet-young-dreams of many a schoolgirl, chunk of hunk Robert Pattinson and Twilight co-star Kristen Stewart, were today secretly married. The ceremony was completed on the magical Isle of Nab...
Read full storyHa ha, it's no choke! Hotel Bristol Palin owner's fatal 'gagging order' tragedy
Hamburg - (Medium Rare): Billionaire hotel owner Dieter Bock has died after gagging on a steak sandwich ordered from room service at one of his flagship hotels. The body of the 71 year-old proprietor of the Bristol Palin in Berlin hotel, was found...
Read full storyRogue Black Holes May Roam Our Galaxy
Hundreds of black holes left over from the early universe may wander the Milky Way, according to new calculations. These rogue black holes are thought to have originally lurked at the centers of tiny, low-mass brains. Over billions of years, relat...
Read full storyFederal Government Tells Texas Authorities To Be On Alert For Somalian Terrorists
Department Of Homeland (Illusion Of) Security officials have told Texas authorities to watch for members of Somalia based terrorist group who may be coming to Texas through the completely unsecured border with Mexico. The Government issued the ale...
Read full storyEurope Launches Attack on Mars
Brussels based bureaucrats have launched an astonishing attack on Mars...but don't worry we are not heading into interplanetary warfare...yet. The Mars in question is Scotland's favourite, chocolate-based, fried food - The Mars Bar. Euro-crats...
Read full storyChely Wright Credits Ellen For Licking Fears Of Coming Out!
Gay country star Chely Wright wanted to "come out" to her family after watching Ellen do the same back in 2007 but her fathers reaction stopped her. Rotten man! Appearing on DeGeneres' daytime talk show, Wright says when Ellen told the world on Na...
Read full storyLee DeWyze Crowned The 2010 American Idol Winner!
HOLLYWOOD - The Nokia Theater was filled to capacity, in fact the people in the balcony were sitting two to a seat, which is legal in California. The American Idol Finale Show ran for 2 hours and 7 minutes. It had 87 commercials, three tons of con...
Read full storyKiller Bee Conspiracy Causes Semi-trailer Pileup
Milk River, Alberta. As Don Schollander, visiting paleontologist from USC, drove towards the famed Alberta Dinosaur diggings a bee blew into the window of his pickup. Schollander, who is allergic to bee stings, swerved into the oncoming lane and br...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Says He Has A Crush On Kelly Clarkson - "I Like Older Women With Meat On Their Bones"
LOS ANGELES - Teen singing sensation Justin Bieber was in Los Angeles appearing on several local morning shows when he was asked if he had seen the American Idol finale show. He answered that he had. He was asked who he had picked to win. He said...
Read full storyBritney Spears To Star As American Idol's 'Bikini Girl" In The Motion Picture "Bikini Girl Flaunts Her Yum-Yum"
HOLLYWOOD - Simon Cowell's 19th Hole Production Company in association with Lionsdoor Pictures has just signed Britney Spears to appear in the Allesandro Fiafatanelli film Bikini Girl Flaunts Her Yum Yum. The motion picture will be shot in Cancun,...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Say Their Zimbabwe Vine Flu Telethon Raised Over $100 Million
MASVINGO, Zimbabwe - The stars of the Twilight vampire movie series Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are thrilled to announce that their recent vine flu telethon in Zimbabwe was a tremendous success. The two young white folks helped raise over...
Read full story"Tasered" Nun Killed by Dutch Police; Whereabouts of Trojani Still Unknown.
Sister Gabrielle van der Mal, Mother Superior of the Carmelite Order of Saint Amelie, died last night at Antwerp General Hospital after being "tasered" by the Dutch police during a raid to discover the whereabouts of Benedictine blasphemer, Rameses T...
Read full storySarah Palin Ran Out of Things to Blame on President Obama Today
Wasilly, AK - Journalists assigned to cover Sarah Palin were stunned today when, fully expecting a new barrage of attacks against President Obama, Ms. Palin simply stated, "I got nothin'." Of course, that didn't stop her from dredging up old c...
Read full storyBearded Man With Dark Skin Spotted Entering USA
JFK Airport - New York - NY - Immigration officials today confirmed that a dark skinned man with a big bushy beard had entered the USA today. An official at JFK International Airport confirmed that the man had luggage with him, and that he had a big...
Read full storyJanet Jackson Fills in for Janet Napolitano at American Idol Finale
Lost Angeles, CA - A disappointed crowd was on hand when they learned that a last-minute change to the star-studded American Idol finale meant that U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, would not be appearing as expected. Taking...
Read full storyScientists Discover Link between Winning American Idol and Developing Thunder Thighs
Cleveland, OH - Research scientists at the famous Cleveland Clinic have concluded research on a subject that many say should have received more attention years ago-the reason winning female contestants on the hit show American Idol develop th...
Read full storyJohn Travolta And Olivia Newton John To Star In 'Grease'
Our resident crackhead reporter in Hollywood, Paul Gollum, reports that plans are afoot for production of what will probably be the greatest musical movie ever made. For ten- year olds. Grease. It would appear that John Travolta and Olivia Newt...
Read full storyRobocop To Publish Memoirs
Retired robotic cop, Robocop Alex Murphy, who bravely battled the might of OCP and almost single handedly cleaned up the streets of Old Detroit, when times were really, really bad, is all set to publish his memoirs in an earth shattering new autobiog...
Read full storyUS Attorney General Still Hasn't Read Law
US Attorney General Eric Holder admitted he did not read the Arizona immigration law. The mainstream media ignored this shocking admission. When it was pointed out to Holder that the Arizona law specifically prohibited the use of race as probable c...
Read full storyU2 To Be Replaced By Gorilla At Glastonbury
A Gorilla is to replace the rock band U2 at the Glastonbury festival next month, after singer Bono announced that an injury he sustained in Germany was more serious than at first thought. The legendary band were due to appear at the festival at t...
Read full storySiphiwo Ntshebe World Cup Song To Be Sung By Nelson Mandela
Siphiwo Ntshebe, the South African opera singer chosen by Nelson Mandela to perform at the opening ceremony of the 2010 World Cup, has died from meningitis, his record label said, and Mr Mandela himself will now sing his song. Ntshebe, 34, dubbed...
Read full storyCockney Market Trader Drafted In To Sort Out BP Oil Leak
Cockney market trader and pub patron, Gordon Gorblimey-Bennet, of Brick Lane, The East End, is the latest consultant to be drafted in by BP after several failed attempts to cap the catastrophic oil leak in the Gulf Of Mexico. GGB, as his mates dow...
Read full storyInsane Man Runs for Office, Wins in a Landslide
WEST BLOOMFIELD TOWNSHIP, MI - Local insane man Lyle Steavey was elected to the United States Congress today to represent Michigan's 9th Congressional District. Mr. Steavey has been confined to a mental institution since August 2004. With anti-Wa...
Read full story