Cockney Market Trader Drafted In To Sort Out BP Oil Leak

Written by Skoob1999

Thursday, 27 May 2010

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Sorted Mate. Piece Of Piss.

Cockney market trader and pub patron, Gordon Gorblimey-Bennet, of Brick Lane, The East End, is the latest consultant to be drafted in by BP after several failed attempts to cap the catastrophic oil leak in the Gulf Of Mexico.

GGB, as his mates down the pub call him, is a leading authority on a number of diverse subjects, varying from the correct proportional application of pickling spices, through to legal representation in civil courts and the potential pitfalls of the buy to let property market.

According to sources, GGB solved the problem of plugging the oil spill days ago, as he also solved the hunt for Charles Coke in Kingston, Jamaica, and the red-shirt fiasco in Bangkok.

A friend of GGB's in his local pub, The Throttler's Arms, up the Balls Pond Road, told us:

"No worries mate. Gordon'll sort it out. And why not? He's solved everything else. I kid you not mate, the Kennedy assassination - he had that one sussed right off. The economic downturn? No problem for Gordon. He can even tell you Jack The Ripper's true identity and why they've all got it wrong about the Shroud Of Turin. And don't bother even getting him started on quantum physics and the origins of the universe. Dab hand at that he is. Leave yer baffled."

Which left our reporter eagerly anticipating a meeting with Gordon Gorblimey-Bennett. And he was not disappointed.

GGB arrived at the pub within minutes, and referring to the oil leak, he said:

"It's all about the big picture mate. Basically, what you've got is a hole in the sea that pisses out crude oil. All they've got to do is bung the hole up, wiv a bloody big rock, or some superglue or summink. Bob's yer uncle mate. Job done. Sorted. Piece of piss."

Sound logic from the man who sells snide trainers and dodgy perfume from a market stall. That's why he's a billionaire.

More as we get it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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