Bono Recovering from Emergency Ego Surgery
U2 frontman Bono was recovering well yesterday from emergency surgery to combat injuries sustained while he was preparing for his latest US Tour, writes Sal Volatile, Entertainment Correspondent. U2 promoter Arthur Goebbels confirmed that all 16 U...Read full story
Naked Christina Aguilera Postpones Tour Until Next Year
Since she only had two months to prepare, Christina Aguilera has postponed her 2010 tour until next year or her next hit song. So we say, next year it is. A representative of the singer took all his clothes off to his shirt and shorts and announce...Read full story
George Osborne lip-synchs during Cameron's Queen's Speech rant
London - (Tossers): "Can't decide if they're Noddy and Big Ears or Tich and Quackers," My Noble Lord chuckled today at TV footage of George Osborne lip-synching his way through David Cameron's Queen's Speech rant. The Chancellor of the Exchequer,...Read full story
A Law Enforcement Perspective on the Story of Cain and Able
Most of us are familiar with the story of Cain and Able from the Bible. Generally believed to be the tale of how Cain the elder slew his brother Able in a jealous/envious rage. This is commonly considered the first documented murder and the first documented crime of passion. For the most part we take this written testimony as the fact, not as evidence leading us to the facts. For the average pe...Read full story
Jimmy Hoffa Rolls Over in Grave as Giant's Meadowlands Named Site for 2014 Super Snow Bowl!
Sports reporters roamed through the smog and fog somewhere near Secaucus, New Jersey today, trying to find the Meadowlands after it was announced the site was named to host the 2014 Super Bowl, already being named "The Yellow Snow Bowl' by critics w...Read full story
New Bi-Partisan Commission The Only Way To Stop Flow Of Oil
WASHINGTON - Fire booms failed. So did a behemoth box, a secondary pipe to siphon leaking oil, and the EPA doesn't want BP using a EPA approved oil dispersant to minimize environmental damage from oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico miles below the...Read full story
Chimpanzee Plastic Surgeon Team Performs Radical Face Lift On Man
This is a true story: Approximately five years ago, Dr. Ollie and Dr. Buddy, the first chimpanzee plastic surgeon team recognized by the American Board of Plastic Surgeons, successfully completed a radical facelift on Mr. St. James Davis without the...Read full story
South Africa re-introduces Apartheid for the duration of the World Cup!
During the World Cup South Africa have decided to re-introduce Apartheid, the reasons being quite obvious: This elitist event should only be for the master-races and Blacks, especially poor, thieving, criminal South African Blacks, are not a welco...Read full story
Obama to send extra troops to bolster US-Mexico border; Americans panic at potential loss of cheap labor and decent taco stands
US President Barack Obama is to request an extra $500b in funding and send up to 120,000 troops to help secure the US-Mexico border, US officials say. The National Guard troops would be sent until the US can recruit and train additional officers...Read full story
Lindsay Lohan Launches Ankle Bracelet Jewelry Line
Spinning the court's ankle locator news as best they could, Lindsay Lohan and her publicist quickly announced her new line of ankle bracelet jewelry that also doubles as a GPS tracker and BFF message device. Styled strangely similar in size and sh...Read full story
Facebook confirms privacy revamp; DNA sampling no longer required, fingerprinting requirements under review
Social network giant Facebook will roll out a new set of privacy settings to all its users starting on 26 May. The company said it will post the details on its blog, which is only accessible if you join Facebook. Facebook faced a barrage of c...Read full story
Tiger Woods Better Get Back To Golf As Elin Asks Nearly $1 Billion Settlement
Elin Woods, after discovering even more gals in her husband's background while they have been married, is now asking almost a billion dollar settlement if Tiger wants joint custody of the two kids. "If he wants silence on this whole mess, he bette...Read full story
Bob Marley condemns Kingston Town raids and asks Jamaicans to protect their "Drug Lord"
Bob Marley has been speaking from his lofty heights in the Rastafari heavens about the police raids on his hometown and has condemned 'dem, mon'! Sitting next to the Emperor Haeli Selassie, Bob, speaking through a Rasta medium called Jerkitup Join...Read full story
Queen's speech: Tories set out bold plans for Government
The Queen's speech set out the first 18 days of the coalition government. An announcement that there were to be 'sweeping changes', shocked many custodians, janitors and cleaners around the country. Spokesman 'Billy Broomhead' said, "Why us? Wha...Read full story
U2 agree to Replace Bono on 360 Tour
Following the news that the lead singer of U2, "The Bono" is to have his entire spine removed so that it can be blessed by the Pope, the remaining band members have taken steps to replace the star for their summer tour dates. The controversial dec...Read full story
50 Year-Old Man Refused Wine In Tesco's - Because He Had No Idea
A man of fifty was stopped from buying a bottle of wine in Tesco's because he admitted to staff that he had no idea what he was buying. He said that he usually drank lager, but had decided on a whim to try wine. Staff at the Birmingham store firs...Read full story
"Free Porn" Campaign causes Chaos in London
Protesters outside the Chinese embassy in London were swamped yesterday by members of the public greatly misunderstanding the demonstrator's campaign banners. Members of the "Free Porn" movement who were protesting the Chinese Government's decisio...Read full story
SuBo to headline Glastonbury
Susan Boyle was sensationally announced as the replacement headline act at this year's Glastonbury Festival, after U2 had to pull out. "Och, I'll show 'em!" said SuBo excitedly. "I've got my tent and wellies packed! Groovy boogie, babe!" Fanati...Read full story
Bono to be put down after pulling out of Glastonbury
Bono the popular Irish terrier and lead singer of rock/pop/dance/rap/punk/crap/sh*t/b*llocks band U2 is to be put down after breaking his back in a bizarre accident. The pint sized pup was rehearsing for an appearance at Glastonbury next month whe...Read full story
The Queen Signs Up For Stand-Up Tour With Stan Boardman
According to our showbiz correspondent, Buffty Ginslinger, the eccentric English film producer/director, Her Majesty The Queen is to embark on a gruelling nationwide stand-up tour with cocky Scouse comedian Stan Boardman. "It'll do the old bird go...Read full story
Obama: Louisiana law may lead to racial profiling of oil spill
The President today voiced concerns that any Louisiana attempts to stop the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico may lead to "racial profiling" of petroleum based products. "I read up on the efforts" he said "and the law's language is problematic, which i...Read full story
Dancing With The Stars: Erin Andrews and Maksim Chmerkovskiy Sizzle As They Perform The Show's First Dance In Bed
HOLLYWOOD - Maksim Chmerkovskiy, who is known as "The Bad Boy of The Ballroom" certainly pushed the envelope farther than anyone ever had. The dancing Russian choreographed a dance number between himself and his lovely, tall-as-a-redwood-timber da...Read full story
'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Gay Military Policy Being Asked By Congress
WASHINGTON (May 24) -- Congress may vote as early as Thursday to repeal the military's "don't ask, don't tell" law on gays, but when asked questions by White House reporters, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, who has a proud chin, carved by the winds o...Read full story
Nick Clegg Has A Funny Turn Watching Dickinson's Real Deal
Westminster - Reports are coming in that Deputy PM Nick Clegg came over a bit funny recently watching an episode of Dickinson's Real Deal on an old 19 inch Sony Trinitron TV set. It is thought that Nick Clegg got so engrossed in the antique wheele...Read full story
The Wurzels to step in for U2 at Glastonbury
Following the shock announcement that U2 have had to cancel their headline gig at Glastonbury, Michael Eavis confirmed this afternoon that The Wurzels would be taking over their slot. He said that the band would be ramping up their stage show to sui...Read full story
SuBo fanatics introduce new points scheme
The new owners of the Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatical loonies favourite meeting place today announced a new 'points make prizes' scheme. Members are awarded points based on the amount of useless crap they post, the number of bullying email...Read full story
The Cleveland Cavaliers Fire Mike Brown - They Plan To Hire Lebron James' African Cousin Mumugawi James
CLEVELAND - In a move that was not only political, emotional, physical, pathetical, and comical, the Cavaliers organization has fired one of the most successful coaches in NBA history. Mike Brown, who had amassed a career record of 313-19, was fir...Read full story
Manuel's Contract to "Nobble Ross" doesn't quite go to plan...
A contract to "Nobble" cheeky chappy, chat show host, Jonathan Ross, didn't quite go to plan last Friday night as millions of viewers watched zany comedian Ross Noble attack the bemused presenter during his weekly show. The contract is believed to...Read full story
Texas Rangers Bankrupt! A-Rod Still Owed $25m Says "food stamps now an option!"
The Texas Rangers have declared bankruptcy, claiming millions of dollars are still outstanding to NY Yankee Alex Rodriquez from an ill fated 2001 deal, other millions wasted on non performing players long gone, and the policy of encouraging a fan...Read full story
Brooklyn Bridge to Join London Bridge in Arizona
Falling into disrepair from lack of critical maintenance during these last 10 years of difficult economic times, New York's Mayor Bloomberg announced the sale of the bridge to a holding company based in Arizona. The proceeds will go to repair New Yo...Read full story
Duchess heading for new grace-and-favor residence at Her Majesty's Pleasure
London - (Royal Ass Mess): The ten by eight accommodation at HMP Belmarsh's wily old fraudsters wing has been reserved ahead of an official probe by the Inland Revenue. It's ensuite slop bucket facilities have been modelled on traditional designs...Read full story
David Blaine Sets Record For A Male Watching "The View"
David Blaine sat in the background while The View was on live for four and a half days, breaking the old record set by Jonathon Winters two years ago, who made it through three days and fifteen minutes. "I knew this would be the Biggie", stated Bl...Read full story
Queen Declares Haggis as Scottish State Bird
Following a series of announcements designed to transition Scotland to a more independent state, Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II has declared that Haggis should now be considered the Scottish State Bird. Immediately engaged in damage control over...Read full story
Will Kristen Stewart Be In "Twilight: The Prequel"?
With all the rumors suddenly surfing that there may well be still one more Twilight, a prequel, many are wondering if Kristen Stewart in her role as Isabella Swan will appear. The answer is yes, IF they do the prequel. Isabella will be back in...Read full story
Fergie Now an Ill- Regal Alien; Clinton to Back Her Plea for Asylum In US!
Disgraced Sara Ferguson, Duchess of York and ex-wife of Prince Andrew, sought asylum at the US Consulate in NYC today declaring that she was an 'ill-regal' alien with no money, no talent, no trade, and no redeeming social value to support her plea f...Read full story
Shades of Michael Hutchence/David Carradine as Slipknot bassist Paul Gray found dead?
Des Moines, Iowa - (Ligatures): "Is the band's name a major clue to his sudden death?" bewildered fans asked today as the lifeless body of the 38 year-old Slipknot bassist was found in an Urbandale motel room. According to preliminary reports t...Read full story
Her Madge says Susan Boyle must be honoured
Following her 57th consecutive reading of a Queen's Speech and the first to be written for her by a Coalition Government, Her Madge had a few words with the PM in the Robing Room at the Palace of Westminster. (Please excuse my 39 word sentence, i...Read full story
Taxman probes Sarah Ferguson bribes fiasco
London - (Money-Grubbing Ass Mess): Inland Revenue has received an early Christmas present: an anonymous dossier of 15 years' worth of backhanders, baksheesh, golden hellos, platinum goodbyes and massive great big Brown envelopes received - and not...Read full story
Is That Chocolate On Your Back - Or Are You About To Be Robbed?
Police in the U.K. have warned of a bizarre scam, obviously created by someone with a sweet tooth! This unusual scam involves the scammers, (aka thieves), approaching people and kindly letting them know they have chocolate on their backs, how the...Read full story
Will Arsenal get millions from Nigerian Billionaire?
Arsene Wenger revealed today that there could be a possible investment in cash into Arsenal football club from Nigerian billionaire Aliko Dangote. "I received an email this morning," Wenger said with a Gallic shrug, "it said that Mr Dangote is Nig...Read full story
Con-Dems to make savings to save the economy
George Osborne has been laying out his plan for reducing the six billion Stirling budget deficit in the UK, and it will be a bitter pill to swallow, in part because sugar is to be removed from all oral medication. The standard cuts of not employin...Read full story
Mirren, Deneuve, Loren on Most Beautiful List, Cosmetics Industry Notices
When Wizard Jeans recently produced its annual list (prepared by fashion expert Sally Allen) of the 10 Most Beautiful Women in the World, there wasn't a twenty-something woman on it. And young wannabes were startled to see that Helen Mirren, 64, Cat...Read full story
Zac Efron, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner To Star in "The Louisiana Tar Balls"
LOS ANGELES - A spokesperson for Lionsdoor Pictures has just announced that Zac Efron, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner have been signed to star in the Benigo Luigi Montemarciano oil mess thriller Louisiana Tar Balls. The film takes place righ...Read full story
Paula Abdul, Michelle "The First Mama" Obama, and The Rolling Stones To Appear On The American Idol Finale Show
HOLLYWOOD - The producers of American Idol have just announced that the season's finale which will pit Ohioan Lee DeWyze against the Illinois girl Crystal Bowersox will be one for the books. Simon Shindlebocker, AI producer said that they are stil...Read full story
Creator of Pope Benedict Condoms Vanishes
Rameses Trojani, the creator of the controversial Pope Benedict XVI condoms, has vanished from his 16th century castle outside of Antwerp. It was only yesterday that he announced that he was the target of a Vatican fatwa because of his depiction of...Read full story
Sympathy For The Queen
Citizens of the UK today rallied firmly around the Royal Standard, in total support of HRH The Queen, as the game old bird tries to come to terms with the fact that she allowed her precious son to become betrothed to a ginger haired money grubbing ho...Read full story
The Demi Lovato and Joe Jonas Relationship Is Really Heating Up
VENICE BEACH, California - Demi Lovato and Joe Jonas were spotted sunbathing at Venice Beach. Demi was wearing a pink bikini swimsuit with the initials J.J. on the back and Joe was wearing boxer shorts with the initials B.V.D. on the back of his.Read full story
Britney Spears Bumps Ashton Kutcher Off Top Twitter Spot
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Britney Spears has just succeeded in doing what Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, the Jonas Brothers, and Justin Bieber could not do; and that is knock 19-year-old Ashton Moore, formerly Ashton Kutcher off the top spot in TwitterLand. [E...Read full story
Could It Be A BoyZone Curse?
Andrew Cowles, the widower of Stephen Gately, has spoken of his delight that his late husband's new book 'The Tree of Seasons' has made the best-sellers list in its first week of release. Andrew says the news was a little damped by the news friend...Read full story
Elton John's Cooking May Kill
Sir Elton John's partner David Furnish says the singer is hopeless in the kitchen and has no idea about basic cooking, though stops short about how he is in bed! Sir Elton John can't cook, but does that matter? After all Elton has enough money to...Read full story
Fergie to Take Up Door to Door Sales
The irrepressibly disgraced Duchess of York is to take up direct sales in a bid to capitalize on her newly emerged skills at raffling off next to useless merchandise over wine and a fag. The Duchess, currently swimming across the Atlantic followin...Read full story
Queen Posthumously names Wallis Simpson "a dear old friend"
After a weekend of tabloid SHOCKS involving the Duchess of York's crass-for-access foibles, the Queen has pulled out all the stops in a bid to battle the news cycle. Unconfirmed reports indicate Buckingham Palace will announce that Wallis Simpson...Read full story
President Obama Freezes BP Assets until Oil Spill Fixed
Washington, DC - BP CEO Tony Hayward woke up to the news Monday morning that President Obama had taken the drastic step of freezing every last penny of BP's assets, including bank accounts the world over, stock portfolios, and even the cash Hayward h...Read full story
Sandra Bullock and George Lopez Involved In A Menage-a-Tacos
LA BREA, California - Comedian George Lopez and Sandra Bullock, who won the Oscar for Best Actress were reportedly seen at a local restaurant named The Chorizo Con Juevos Diner. An eyewitness said that she saw Lopez lean over and wipe some refried...Read full story
Kara DioGuardi Refuses to Believe Casey James is Gone
Los Angeles, CA - In yet another development in the tragic story of unrequited (due to legal requirements) love between Kara DioGuardi and American Idol contestant, Casey James, it is being reported that DioGuardi has locked herself in her home and r...Read full story
Texas Governor Announces High-Speed Rail Service from Austin to South America
Austin, TX - Governor Rick Perry today held a press conference to announce a bold new plan he was made privy to by President Obama last month--to link Austin, Texas to South America via high-speed rail. Said the governor, "It's not that much of...Read full story