Megan Fox Says Michael Bay Can Go F**k Himself
LOS ANGELES, California -- Megan Fox revealed that she won't be working on any more transformer movies any time soon, and that director Michael Bay "can go f**k himself" for all she cares, according to Excess Hollywood. The actress recapitulated e...Read full story
Justin Bieber Performs On American Idol - Randy "The Black Dawg" Jackson Says He Was A Little Pitchy
HOLLYWOOD - The young Canadian singing sensation Justin Bieber performed on the latest edition of American Idol. The popular 16-year-old who many consider to be The Prince of YouTube, sang a song that was written especially for him by Clay Aiken.Read full story
Oilfield Contaminated By Camel P*ss
Middle East - The Sandy Bit - Executives from oil giant Batman Petroleum are appealing for crisis talks with Bedouin tribesmen after the announcement that the Ali-Wackum oilfield has been devastatingly contaminated by millions of gallons of camel pis...Read full story
Susan Boyle fans enter competition to design Olympic Mascot
Susan Boyle fanatics world-wide, are gathering on their beloved web-site, now up for auction to the highest bidder, to design the mascot for London 2012. They have been taking turns between watching the 'bids' for there beloved site, which are tak...Read full story
Scientists make 'artificial life'
Scientists in the US have succeeded in developing the first synthetic living cell. The researchers copied an existing bacterial genome. They sequenced its genetic code and then used "synthesis machines" to chemically construct a copy. Affectionat...Read full story
Barney Frank Upstages Michelle At State Dinner With Prettier Dress: Drops Tea Bags On Escort
Although First Lady Michelle Obama's shimmering blue gown by Peter Soronen dazzled guests at Wednesday night's state dinner for Mexican President Felipe Calderon and his wife, Margarita Zavala, it was Congressman Barney Frank who stole the show by dr...Read full story
An Arrest Warrant Has Been Issued For Lindsay "The Bad Girl" Lohan
LOS ANGELES - A California judge has issued an arrest warrant for Lindsay Lohan, alias LiLo, alias Miss Mess, alias, Hey Just Who The Hell Does This Flaky Bitch Think She Is Anyway Paris Hilton or What? The unemployed actress is wanted for violati...Read full story
Ronan Keating leaves his wife to concentrate on his Boyzone
There's the born again Christian tattooed one, the shit Coronation Street actor one, the dead gay one, and the other one. Then there's the Ronan Keating one. Slightly balding, slightly boring and now slightly bending... perhaps? After 12 years of...Read full story
Calderone Addresses Congress in Spanish saying "me cago en la hostia" to Standing Ovation from Dems!
Mexican President Felipe Calderon, head of the dysfunctional, anarchist country to the south of the US borders of California, Texas and Arizona, lectured the US Congress today, calling his neighbors 'Gilipayas' (Bastards) and in no uncertain terms sa...Read full story
Madonna on Tap to Reprise Role of Popeye on Big Screen
Hollywood, CA - Those madcap producers that brought you big screen versions of other cartoon characters, which aren't particularly sticking out in our minds right now, are at it again with a re-make of the movie, Popeye, originally starring Robin Wil...Read full story
Woody Allen Says Obama Should Be Declared Dictator For Our Own Good
The usually joking actor may be turning into a joke himself as he stated yesterday that he thinks President Barack Obama should be declared dictator until he can get the United States out of the mess it finds itself in today. He is absolutely seri...Read full story
No Michael Jackson Tapes! Mimic Honus Snell Admits That He Was Voice Of "Michael Jackson", Others
Police in New York City say they have found proof that mimic, Honus Snell, was not only the person on some recent Michael Jackson telephone tapes but that he has made and sold hundreds of thousands of such tapes over the years. "It could even run...Read full story
WE Don't Have To Show You No Stinkin' Badges!
PHOENIX, AZ - Mexican President Felipe Calderon today was detained by police in Phoenix, for probable cause of being an undocumented non-resident alien, while walking down the street eating a Taco Bell Supreme Taco and whistling Herb Alpert's, "The L...Read full story
President Obama Declares War on Rush Limbaugh and Others
Washingtorn, DC - In a bold move against what he perceives as the weakening of America due to the antics of a few "bad apples hell bent on profiting by keeping America divided," President Obama has decided to flex his executive powers to issue an ord...Read full story
SuBo chats to mystery man - fanatics unhappy!
Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatical loonies were tonight showing their displeasure at SuBo talking to a man over her garden fence. SuBo was spotted chatting to the man outside her Scottish home earlier today. "How dare she speak to a man we do...Read full story
Oil Slick Giving Residents Along The Coast The Shits
"We can't go out shopping or anything right now", stated a tired-looking Jason Whitaker of St. Petersburg, Florida. "Everybody in the house has the shits...or we did have the shits. Now it's mostly grunts and air." All along the Gulf coast the sam...Read full story
American Idol: Kara DioGuardi's "Cowboy Toy" Casey James Told To Mosey On Back To Fort Worth
HOLLYWOOD - The American Idol finals has come down to Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze as the Texas Cowboy, Casey James was told to saddle up and head on back to The Lone Star state. Casey knew that he was going to be leaving since the song he chos...Read full story
Paris Art Theft - David Cameron Didn't Do It
Paris, France - The office of the Prime Minister today hotly denied that David Cameron was in any way involved in the theft of five old masters from a Paris museum overnight. The raid was captured on CCTV and clearly showed a masked intruder who stol...Read full story
IDIOT Is Disappointed in the Foresight and Common-Sense Voters of Arizona!
Our beloved state has made a lot of press lately for making what could only be called idiotic decisions about immigration. The idiocy abounded, it was wonderful! And any press is good press for Arizona. Until May 18th that is, then the voters of Arizona actually passed Proposition 100. Proposition 100 would raise the state sales tax one measly cent, and that money would go to education, poli...Read full story
Pickled Egg Shortage Spreads To Cheshire
Consternation in Cheshire today as the pickled egg shortage which has already blighted Lancashire, West Yorkshire, Merseyside, and Greater Manchester spreads its ugly wings southwards. Pickled hard-boiled eggs have long been a staple snack for the...Read full story
New Jersey Students Regret Ratting out Bus Driver
Gangster Glen, NJ - Students from Bon Jovi High School boarded what they thought was their regular bus last Friday that takes them to school every morning, and thought nothing of it that their usual driver, Mr. Dirr, wasn't at the wheel. Once on t...Read full story
FIFA 2010 World Cup: The 'Hand of God' runs over a leg!
Buenos Aires, Argentina: Vroom, vroom, snarled the Mini, as the 'Hand of God' was at the wheel. "What an ***hole you are," the mouth attached to the 'Hand of God' shouted from Gods' Mini. "How can you put your leg there where it can get run over,...Read full story
Woody Allen calls Hitler An Alright Guy
While recently discussing the necessity of dictators in American politics, Woody Allen lamented that Adolph Hitler was a man that has been misunderstood by World History. "People have a tendency to really blow things out of proportion when it...Read full story
Headless chicken named Employee of the Month
Setting a historical precedent, bedding manufacturer Grindem Down awarded its honorary designation of Employee of the Month to a recent hire, a chicken with its head cut off. "We knew we were taking a bold step when we hired him," said Shill Hinds...Read full story
BP Shifts Focus from Oil Leak to Plugging CEO Hayward's Pie Hole
Oily Mess, LA - BP's CEO, Tony Hayward is becoming a public relations nightmare outpacing the oil spill as an even worse mess than tar balls on terns. A spokesperson for Lyen Waite Marketing of London warned last month that if they didn't reign in "...Read full story
Kara DioGuardi Slips into Depression after Casey James Leaves Idol
Los Angeles, CA - Casey James was finally voted off American Idol, leaving Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox as the two singers going into the final round. Casey, looking incredibly vulnerable and sad, took the mike one last time and sang an encore of...Read full story
Mexican President Begs for Asylum in US But Still Bashes Immigration Policies!
Mexican President Felipe Calderon, using the opportunity of a State Sponsored dinner by El Presidente Barry 'Chingedara' Obama, cited increased death threats as his reason for seeking political asylum in the US last night. With over 22,000 violen...Read full story
Janet Napolitano most important weapon against terrorism
At a White House Press conference held Thursday Press Secretary Robert Gibbs revealed that Janet Napolitano is one of the U.S.'s most important weapons against terrorism. What appeared to be borderline mental retardation had actually been a cleve...Read full story
U.K. Labour M.P. Hit By "Fairy" Dust Fall Out After Arsenal Game
Calling a footballer a "fairy" just doesn't sit well in 2010, the dust fall out can pound a career into the ground. Re-Elected Labour MP, who voted for gay equality rights in Parliament, Stephen Pound has been accused of calling Arsenal's former...Read full story
Susan Boyle may put in a bid for Rooney to join her beloved 'Celtic'
It's rumoured that Susan Boyle may put in a bid to outbid Barcelona to get Rooney for her beloved 'Celtic'. True, she has not yet reached the 80 million plus, being offered by Barcelona but it is expected that her 2nd C.D. will bring in over 100 m...Read full story
Hemlock and Mandible spark Olympic 'poison chalice' fears
London - (Poll Vault Mess): "Think Teletubbies on mephedrome!" the head of the Olympic Livery Authority said today as the two bizarre totems were unveiled at a County (sic) Hole shindig. Designed by a Yoof Sports Awareness team the shiny one-eyed...Read full story
2012 Olympic mascot unveiled - It's a one eyed trouser snake.
The official 2012 Olympic mascot was unveiled today and its a one eyed trouser snake. Officials explained their choice: " The one eyed trouser snake is a fantastic concept. It's fun, it's tactile, it can be enjoyed by people of all ages, genders,...Read full story
Tanya "Butch" Goddard looking forward to meeting Lindsay Lohan
It is looking increasingly likely that Lindsay Lohan will be going to jail on her return to the States after a trip to the Cannes Film Festival. Lohan was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol in 2007. She was ordered to community se...Read full story
Courtney Love in Kate Moss lesbian shagging caper
London - (Buff Muff): "Later, we flossed together and flushed out each others' cavities with Oralzap!," the Hole singer said today. "Sure took a good few days for the carpet burns to fade, though!" The steamy one night stand in Milan's Astoria...Read full story
Friendly nose bacteria shoots down MRSA
Professor Takayuki Iwase of University Japan announced a highly innovative cure for the dreaded MRSA. Apparently some of the lucky ones amongst us have friendly bacteria in our noses which kicks MRSA butt. "What we can do is isolate these bacteria...Read full story
A Taxpayer - funded Gay Time costs N.S.W. Transport Minister his job
Transport Minister and former Police Minister David Campbell has resigned as Transport Minister in N.S.W. after he was caught using his taxpayer-funded car to visit a gay men's sex venue in Sydney's eastern suburbs. Now the very straight, on the o...Read full story
Rookie Plumber Caps BP Executive Lamar McKay's Toilet
HOUSTON, Texas - After using several questionable techniques to deal with a leak in the bathroom at Lamar McKay's corporate office in Houston, a local plumber finally capped the troublesome toilet permanently, according to the exasperated executive.Read full story
Wii enters London Olympics
LONDON'S 2012 Olympics will be embracing the digital age with a new class for computer sports. Talks between the London 2012 committee, Nintendo and the Inclusion department of the Department for Culture, Media and Sport (DCMS) have resulted in t...Read full story
Rolf Impersonator regrets his actions
Amsterdam, The Netherlands. Dutch Rolf Harris impersonator, Ruitt Rembrandt, has been arrested by authorities after performing "Jake the Peg", one of Harris's signature tunes, while fleeecing his fans of their valued possessions such as handbags and...Read full story
Cheney For Dictator Campaign Kicks Off
The wheels are already grinding under the Dick Cheney for Dictator campaign of 2012. The former President of Vice of the United States announced his candidacy at a meeting of Corporations For Keeping America Under Our Thumbs' convention in New Orlean...Read full story
New Discoveries Cite Jesus as "Greatest Frat Boy of All Time"
In the most astounding of discoveries, Jesus H. Christ of the Nazareth State Magi, was indeed a legend in his time. At college that is. A recent discovery has led to the translation of an ancient journal of one of Jesus' classmates who cite his as...Read full story
Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato Say That The Louisiana Tar Balls Will End Up In Massachusetts
BOSTON - Two teenage singing sensations Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato were in Boston attending a Brenda Song concert. After the concert the two went to Brenda's dressing room where they helped her celebrate another sold-out concert. The three gi...Read full story
Adam Lambert and Clay Aiken To Star in "Brokeback Mountain - The High-Pitched Singin' Years"
HOLLYWOOD - Plans have just been finalized to have American Idol's alumni's Adam Lambert and Clay Aiken (both second place finishers) star in Stacatto Monteverdi's sequel, or actually prequel to Brokeback Mountain, Brokeback Mountain - The High-Pitch...Read full story
Rush Limbaugh Announces the President is Dead
New York, NY - Just one day after a BBC radio DJ announced that Queen Elizabeth II was dead, Rush Limbaugh made the same announcement, only the object of his practical joke was none other than the President of the United States, or so everyone th...Read full story
Selena Gomez and Nick Jonas Spotted At A Nude Beach In Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
CABO SAN LUCAS, Mexico - Selena Gomez and her BFF Nick Jonas were recently seen walking along the shoreline of one of Mexico's most famous nude beaches, La Playa de Los Players. And although most of the 300 people that were on the beach were compl...Read full story
CBS: "Laugh Track Cancelled"
In a move designed to attract more viewers to a steady fan base, the CBS network has decided to remove the laugh track from their half-hour sitcoms. "We feel the shows have a certain pious attitude about them," said Leslie Moonves, the preside...Read full story
Artest's Strength: Dog-Like Obedience
In a recent interview, Lakers' coach Phil Jackson described forward Ron Artest's greatest strength as a "dog-like obedience." Jackson then went on to say, "not all dogs are trained well, some just behave irrationally." He referred to the...Read full story
Aussie Football with No Gay Rules - Jason Akermanis tells Players to stay in the Closet
Outspoken Aussie Football League, (AFL), player Jason Akermanis seems to be homophobic - urging gay players to stay in the closet because the game isn't ready for "them". The Aussie Rules star says it would be unsafe and it could make other player...Read full story