Graham Dott loses snooker final after falling asleep
Snooker hotshot Graham Dott handed last nights epic World snooker final to Neil Robertson after falling asleep at what experts could only describe as "way past his bedtime". The final took an exciting twist when TV cameras picked up Dott's eyes start...Read full story
Illegal Immigrants Forced To Migrate By Strict Documentation Requirements
Immigrants south of the border are fleeing Mexico due to a 2009 law Mexican President Calderon signed making it a crime with steep penalties to not have proper immigration documents while in the country of Mexico, and upholding even stricter Mexican...Read full story
Single girl decides to list Facebook relationship status as married to roommate
BOSTON, MA - University student Amy Tripwaller announced today that in absence of having a significant other, she was going to change her Facebook relationship status from "Single" to "Married to Laura Juarez", her roommate. Tripwaller believes this...Read full story
Apple Sues Alex Jones Over iPad Torture
Apple Computer has filed suit against Alex Jones over his famous Youtube video showing him torturing an iPad to death. The ten-minute piece shows various interrogation methods used by the US Military - with the support and blessing of every other...Read full story
Gene sequencing goes viral
Seattle's prodigy inventor Bart S. Sampson announced today his process of etching microscopic robots that reassemble DNA in situ. "That book my mom made me read about some dog swallowing an invading space armada got me thinking about microscopic a...Read full story
Senior Citizens Embrace Dog Fighting
Jupiter, FL - Hidden amongst the golf courses, pharmacies and bingo rooms lies a community of seniors who are hungry for more than just a reasonably priced early bird special. A startling number of seniors are on the prowl for hardcore dog fighting r...Read full story
Celebrity Apprentice: Donald Trump Says "It's Spring, But Summer - You're Fired!"
MANHATTAN - Celebrity Apprentice is fast becoming a watered down version of the Weather Channel, with lots of hot air, cold glances, warmed over backstabbing, and wind breaking. Summer Sanders and Holly Robinson Peete are still extremely jealous o...Read full story
Mystery Shopper Assaulted
Evansville, IN - Greg Diamond, 35, was brutally assaulted yesterday afternoon by employees at a CJ Dolllar's after being positively identified as a mystery shopper. Diamond works for Ghost Customers, a Denver based company whose mystery shoppers c...Read full story
Local Man Too Tired To Fart - Will He Have The Energy To Vote?
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock today announced that he was too tired to fart, and that he couldn't guarantee his local Conservative Party candidate that he'd turn up at the polls on Thursday either. Blaming overwork, and a hectic rock 'n' roll life...Read full story
Cameron to stick in his expenses claim for new curtains and bedding after late night shopping spree
Conservative leader and self appointed PM designate, David Cameron, has been so busy on the hustings that his poor wife, Sam, had to battle alone through a late night visit to an approved store to shop for "those little things that make a home."...Read full story
Queen's Guard Does "Ball Walk" At Buckingham Palace
While standing guard at Buckingham Palace, a young man of undistinguished birth, had the audacity to hang his scrotal sack outside his pants while guarding the Palace from intruders. Unnoticed for sometime, a middle-age cougar tourist from the Ameri...Read full story
Teachers with Heavy Accents Removed from Arizona Classrooms; Governor Schwarzenegger claims "Dat's da Last Straw, Peepo."
Phoenix, AZ - In yet another blow to Arizonans who are still reeling from the newly-enacted anti-immigration law, it is now being reported that teachers with heavy accents are being removed from Arizona classrooms. The Arizona Department of Education...Read full story
Mount Britney Erupts Once Again!
"I don't want to hear any more lies about Jason!", shouted Britney Spears to reporters as they were being hustled out of the Donald Wand Clinic in Arizona. Our reporter, Dan Hillyard, the first to land on his ass in the parking lot, sent in this repo...Read full story
Navy Lifts Ban On Sex Toys On Subs: Women Will Now Share "Hot Bunks" With Men
Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced that the Navy intends to lift the ban on sex toys on our submarine fleet. Starting in 1994, women sailors were granted permission to serve on surface ships in the United States Navy. Initially this arran...Read full story
The Big Inevitable: Howard Shemp's Grim Progress (1950 - 2010)
Howard Ahab Shemp, the one time energetic, yet increasingly more desperate (and recently harder to live with) environmental activist, whose controversial advocacy for an altogether bold, daring, and recklessly adventurous, fully internalized approach to personal waste management subsequently resulted in his well documented refusal to take an officially sanctioned legitimate bowel movement at any p...Read full story
SuBo chokes - fanatics furious!
Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatical loonies were last night planning to storm the headquarters of a famous international fast food chain, after SuBo almost choked on one of their burgers. "This is outrageous!" grumbled a fanatic. "They almost...Read full story
San Jose Diving Competition Won by Sharks
With a tremendous display of athleticism both on their skates and off them, the San Jose Sharks won a heated competition with the Detroit Red Wings last night by virtue of flailing arms and off-balance dramatics in the act of professional diving.Read full story
Man trips over curb in Greenwich Village; Al Qaeda claims responsibility
New York- After a tourist from Oklahoma shockingly stumbled over a curb in downtown Manhattan today, Al Qaeda in Afghanistan quickly claimed responsibility and vowed that Americans should brace for similar and even more devastating attacks. Whil...Read full story
Rambo Dead At 59!
According to several news article this morning, Rambo has committed suicide! Sylvester Stallone, the action star of the '80's to 2008 flicks, stated that Rambo "couldn't stand the boredom of no one trying to kill him so he killed himself." All...Read full story
Balls-ed Up Balls' Children Seized
Outgoing Cabinet Minister for Children, Schools and Families Ed Balls had a string of visitors to his home in the early hours of Bank Holiday Monday morning, as a squad of heavily armed police rammed his front door in and helped themselves to his com...Read full story
Chaos reigns in Downing Street when Gordon Brown's cock returns unexpectedly
Gordon Brow's cock returned home late last night after an absense of twelve days causing a major problem at number ten. Apparently it sneaked in past Sarah when she put the cat out and ran straight up to the bedroom where it found a strange swarthy l...Read full story
Oil Slick: Burn Here, Burn Now
NEW ORLEANS - 2012 Republican presidential hopefuls Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin have altered their "Drill Here, Drill Now" slogan to the more relevant "Burn Here, Burn Now" in an attempt to capitalize on the media attention directed at the Louisian...Read full story
Study Finds Lab Rats Fed Organic Diet, Pretentious & Annoying to Other Rats
A university research group recently found that even mice have the ability to snub their tiny noses. The research shows that although the rats fed the organic diet were not actually healthier than the non-organic fed rats, they were much more annoyin...Read full story
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by...Read full story
Selena Gomez and Nick Jonas To Travel To Iceland By Ship For The Get Iceland Back on Her Frozen Feet Again Telethon
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Selena Gomez and Nick Jonas are getting ready to travel to Iceland to participate in a "Get Iceland Back On Her Frozen Feet Telethon." Gomez and Jonas will be traveling to Iceland aboard the Mexican battleship the MS Montezuma's...Read full story
Lynton Contemplates Leaving TheSpoof, to Save Louisiana Shoreline
While hoping to keep his financial wherewithal a private matter, decorated Spoof writer and anonymously named author, "Lynton", plans a departure from TheSpoof to aid the threatened shoreline of the Louisiana coast. Proving the be the single large...Read full story
Robert Pattinson Caught Buying Viagra
Four customers at a New York pharmacy say they overheard actor Robert Pattinson ordering 50 Viagra tablets from a prescription, while in line at the Dain's Pharmacy in lower Manhattan Saturday. "Oh, he had a Yankee cap on pulled low over his face...Read full story
'Body under the patio' garden all the rage at this year's Chelsea Flower Show
London - (Flower Power): This year's design classic will feature input from whorticulture specialists at HMP Belmarsh and Wormwood Scrubs. The innovative concept targets Chelsea's post-urban cityscape movement with a Serious and Disorganised Crime...Read full story
Snooker player admits to throwing the UK General Election
The world of snooker has taken another blow today as snooker player Chuck McCue has admitted to receiving significant amounts of money to throw the upcoming General Election. It had been somewhat of a surprise when Gordon Brown hired the snooker p...Read full story
"Eel Up The Ass" Assassins Being Hired By The Mafia!
Ever since the story broke last week that some friends of a passed-out, drunken chef in China had placed a live eel up his ass and it ate his bowels, shop owners and other contributors to the Mafia cause, have had a 25% none-service charge. One an...Read full story
Kids' Medications Recalled, Kiddie Rehab Booms
The recent recall of an assortment of drugs (many of them pain medications) for children means that a lot of babies and kids have been suddenly forced to deal with their addiction problems. Not wanting to go cold turkey, they are seeking other alte...Read full story
Smacking children and yelling at them is 'Verboten'
Well, the Ministry of Discipline is taking away the rights of adults to 'fairly' discipline children in their charge. Out go: the slaps on the wrists, the smack on the bum, the whack across the head. In comes: genteel talking, reasoning with children as young as 9 months. Out go: groundings for a week, sitting on the 'naughty' step and losing privileges of playing video games. In come...Read full story
Robert Pattinson & the Dr Who Vampires
Robert Pattinson is looking forward to the next episode of Dr Who, which is set to feature Vampires in Venice, in the 17th century. Pattinson has been outspoken about the bad scripts in recent episodes like Winston Churchill & The Daleks, but...Read full story
Russian Mafia deny any links to John Higgins
In a surprising move, the Russian mafia have publicly denied any dealings with snooker star John Higgins. The announcement made by the organisation's spokesman Yuri "The Butcher" Lamentkanov, follows recent allegations that Higgins had agreed to t...Read full story
The Arizona Senate Has Passed a Bill Banning Mexican Food
PHOENIX - The Arizona state senate has just passed a bill by a vote of 51 to 49 which will ban all Mexican food within its borders. Lorenzo Pata de Vaca, who owns a string of 17 Taco Belly Restaurants, is absolutely devastated and so mad that he s...Read full story
Glenn Beck Blames President Obama For The Icelandic Volcano
QUEENS, New York - Fox News talk show host Glenn Beck has remarked that he is getting sick and tired of President Obama causing so much world-wide havoc. Beck speaking before a group of second graders at PS-9881 also lashed out at Vice President a...Read full story
Vera Baker: "I Know Exactly Where Barack Obama's Birth Certificate Is"
SAN FRANCISCO - Vera Baker's hair stylist, Gigi Van Pansy (a male), has stated that the former senatorial campaign financial manager for Barack Obama confessed to him that she knows exactly where the president's much sought after birth certificate is...Read full story
Mariah Carey Fans Are Concerned She Is Starting To Look Like That Volcano in Iceland
BEVERLY HILLS - Mariah Carey and her skinny little husband Nick Cannon renewed their wedding vows, their driver's licenses, and their VISA credit cards all in one fell swoop. Mariah, who has been gaining weight like she's trying to catch up to Kir...Read full story
Arizona Governor Cancels "Cinco De Mayo"
PHOENIX - Governor Jan Brewer, 89, has stated that she is hereby cancelling all of Arizona's upcoming Cinco de Mayo celebration festivities and events including parades, block parties, low-rider shows, Eva Longoria-Parker Lookalike Pageants, frozen M...Read full story
Tiger Woods Renounces Buddhism, Embraces Christianity; Glenn Beck Says It's Not Enough
After missing the cut at the Quail Hallow Championship in Charlotte, NC on Friday, Tiger Woods has renounced Buddhism and has become a Christian. "I can now see that God has cursed my golf game the same way he curses geographical locations and gover...Read full story