In news that is likely to shock the world and destroy the sweet-young-dreams of many a schoolgirl, chunk of hunk Robert Pattinson and Twilight co-star Kristen Stewart, were today secretly married. The ceremony was completed on the magical Isle of Naboombu, and was performed by a giant talking Seagull.
The ceremony took place underwater where many very scary creatures watched in equal mixture of awe and disgust. The wedding had apparently been planned over 12 hours previously, and was said to be "quite moving".
The marriage will come as a shock to many who believed that Pattinson, 14, was homosexual - a rumour that was not helped by recent photographs showing him kissing men. However, scientists agree that such photos are often created by tricks of the light and prove nothing about ones genuine proclivities.
There were hundreds of other guests there, including a badger, and fourteen Trappist monks who were otherwise holidaying at the location.
"I was happy to be there", said one stunned guest who was some kind of freaky-ass combination of crocodile and marmot. "Or at least, I think I was. It all gets hazy around dinner time. Which it is now."
Mother of the bride, Jodie Foster, told us:
"The bride looked adorable. There was a point at which Robert's Penis [sic] was clearly standing to attention. But I say: rock on, man, rock on."
The couple's wedding/marriage is set to last long into the night. I was very happy to be witness to the event which will no doubt push Pattinson and Stewart into further realms of super-stardom.
