Queen Declares Haggis as Scottish State Bird

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

image for Queen Declares Haggis as Scottish State Bird
"Yes, Puffin is a beautiful bird, especially in a white wine reduction with scallions"

Following a series of announcements designed to transition Scotland to a more independent state, Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II has declared that Haggis should now be considered the Scottish State Bird.

Immediately engaged in damage control over the flub, Her Majesty's personal staff prepared a press release stating that the Queen made a simple mistake in reading her prepared notes, which "were not edited properly". Insiders say that a new assistant responsible for the notes, a certain Mr. Farnsworth Snuffington, was surreptitiously removed from castle premises in the back of a produce delivery truck, bound, gagged, with an onion sack covering his head. One staffer who preferred to remain nameless said, "The poor lad had a sheet of paper taped to his back that said simply, Pig Feed".

Later in the day whilst honoring a commitment for an appearance on behalf of a North London Welsh Corgi rescue shelter, the Queen was met again by a smaller group of reporters who asked for her clarification about the Scottish Bird declaration. Though the press had playfully named the incident "HaggisGate", the Queen remained unflappable and dignified declaring, "Of course I meant that the Puffin should be the Scottish State Bird, and Haggis of course is a wonderful local dish consisting of..". In the midst of a pause mid sentence, the Queen leaned over to her new assistant speaking directly into his ear. After a short reply by the assistant, the Queen was heard mumbling, "that, is horrifically disgusting".

Tomorrow's schedule for the Queen was quickly updated to include a lunch with Scottish business and political leaders. Haggis will be served. "We expect that the Queen will thoroughly enjoy her Haggis, as she has so very many times before", said third new assistant, Geoffrey Bairley-Breathington.

The Queen's former second new assistant, could not be reached for any comment.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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