The new owners of the Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatical loonies favourite meeting place today announced a new 'points make prizes' scheme.
Members are awarded points based on the amount of useless crap they post, the number of bullying emails they send to SuBo's manager, the number of times they visit Blackburn, the number of 'tribute' videos they make, the number of prayers they write, the number of times they 'thank' other members for posting useless crap, the number of times they kiss up to the chief fanatics, the amount of money they 'donate' to the red scarf cause, the number of times they get to meet Susan (extra points awarded if they do this without permission), how wealthy their husbands are (extra points awarded if the wealthy husband is currently having an affair with his secretary), how many red scarves they own (and how bright they are), and how many times they report somebody for daring to be funny. Chief fanatics can earn bonus points for everyone they ban.
Points can then be cashed in for prizes from the 'Catalog of Rewards And Prizes' (CRAP). A quick thumb through the CRAP shows just 100 points entitles you to 'one free blessing', 500 points gets you 'a beautiful red scarf manufactured from highest quality red plastic table cloth', 2000 points gets you 'one bag of soil from Susan's garden', 5000 points gets you 'specially blessed fish&chips', for 10,000 points you can have 'a candlelit dinner with our most popular member from Canada' (5,000 extra points required if you want him to be wearing pants), and for 100,000 points you will be guaranteed a place in Heaven.
"This will be very popular with our members!" smiled the new head chief fanatic. "They like competing with each other for no obvious reason. Now they will be rewarded with useless crap too!"
Meanwhile, a fanatic has had her lips sewn to the new head chief fanatic's ass. "I spent so much time kissing her ass, I decided it would be much easier just to have them sewn to it!" mumbled the fanatic.