The irrepressibly disgraced Duchess of York is to take up direct sales in a bid to capitalize on her newly emerged skills at raffling off next to useless merchandise over wine and a fag.
The Duchess, currently swimming across the Atlantic following the mysterious revocation of her passport, is believed to have told friends: "I'd have made some nice dosh if my last deal had actually been real and not the kind of obvious ploy even Helen Keller could have spotted. You got a fiver?"
Despite injuries received over the weekend during the epic derailment of the gravy train on which she was a passenger, the plucky Duchess is not for turning.
"She says she was born to make a big splash," confided a wonderstruck friend not owed money by the Duchess. "That each of her splashes thus far has generated a tsunami of one kind or another doesn't seem to phase her one bit."
The Duchess plans an official unveiling for her new venture at Southampton, next 10th April, the same date and port from which famous career of the RMS Titanic was launched.
The Duchess is also said to be considering plans to retail an unedited really really really really tell-all version of her autobiography via text message for an affordable 15 p per sentence. A source close to the Duchess denied she will appear as Roxy Hart in Chicago any time soon.
"Of course the the fact she can't sing isn't an issue, but there's some concern about the fit of the bustier, if not the suitability."
Buckingham Palace today denied reports that the Queen will offer the Duchess lifetime accommodation in a garden shed on the Orkney Islands.
"We never comment on family matters," said spokesman. "Is it really that remote and inaccessible?"
