CLEVELAND - In a move that was not only political, emotional, physical, pathetical, and comical, the Cavaliers organization has fired one of the most successful coaches in NBA history.
Mike Brown, who had amassed a career record of 313-19, was fired to keep from having to pay him his $4.5 salary, plus dental, medical, car allowance, and meal allowance.
A spokesperson for the Cavaliers, Raysheen "Doggy Dogg" Sandfixxer, stated that the did not want to talk about it because there was really nothing to talk about and if anyone wanted to talk about it, then he suggested that they look in the mirror and talk to their damn selves.
A secondary spokesperson for the Cavaliers, Shawnray Daywax, then stated that he wanted everyone to please ignore the first spokesperson, Raysheen Sandfixxer because he is nothing but a low-life, piece of Lake Michigan bottom feeder, who has no damn business acting like the friggin Cavaliers' spokesperson since he is in actuality one of the hot dog vendors at the Quicken Loans Arena, home of the Cavaliers.
Daywax then corrected himself and said that Sandfixxer is actually now an effen, freakin, fired ex-Cavaliers hot dog vendor who will probably be getting the ass-kickin' of his life within 48 hours.
Shawnray was asked who the team plans on replacing Mike Brown with. He smiled and said that initially it had come down to three individuals, San Antonio Spurs Coach Gregg Popovich, Los Angeles Lakers Coach Phil Jackson, or African spear salesman Mumugawi James, who happens to be a second cousin of LeBron James.
When Daywax was asked exactly what kind of coaching credentials Mumugawi James has he replied that he has no coaching credentials because he is not a coach. He then stated that he would repeat himself once again and stated that Mr. James is a spear salesman from Africa.
Daywax was then asked how in the effen world being a spear salesman from Africa qualifies the man to be a National Basketball Association head coach.
Daywax grinned. He took a sip of his Ripple Wine and and answered. "Dat answer is very easy. And I am only going ta say it once and then I have ta leave because I have an appointment ta get a vasectomy thank you. Da answer is quite simply...LeBron James.
Mumugawi is LeBron's second cousin and dat is all of da qualifications we need. LeBron stated dat da only way he would stay wiff the Cleveland Cavaliers organization is if we hired his second cousin Mumugawi James ta be his coach, and ladies and gentleman, dat der be exactly what we plans on doing.
"What will Mumugawi James be paid?" One of the reporters asked.
"Ah dat be none of your effen business bro." Daywax replied.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: I texted Larry King and he informed me that the new coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers will be paid $10 million a year, plus he will have free use of a company vehicle, motorcycle, and yacht. He will also have his favorite African food, Sweet and Sour Lion Loins brought in twice a week, and he will get to meet his three favorite American singers, Beyonce, Alicia Keys, and Justin Bieber.]