Famous Hollywood Director Woody Allen is shooting a new movie; this will be his first in the genre of pornography. He will both direct and star in the movie (and is also the producer and writer).
A page of the script, where Allen encounters his first prostitute, was accidentally left at a New York City lunch counter. A monologue from that script is printed below:
"How much do I have to pay you? A hundred dollars? It's a hundred dollars? I've got to pay you money so I can pull down my pants and then you can laugh at me because it's so small. You know, I don't have to pay for this; my ex wife has other daughters that I can seduce and marry. They know I'm rich and wouldn't laugh at me. How much do I have to pay so that you wouldn't laugh? Do you take American Express? Do I get frequent flyer miles with this? If I use Discover, do I get cash back with this purchase? You know, a man has to know these things."
"Do you also sell Viagra? Is that included in the price or is it extra? It's not a package deal? You should make it a package deal and put that on your business card. Do you have a business card? What about an answering service? How do you get repeat business without a business card or an answering service?"
"Can I leave my socks on? The floor in this motel probably has linoleum that was put down when the British troops were quartered here in 1776. I don't want to step on the same dead cockroach that Cornwallis stepped on."
"What about diseases? Do you have, like, a U.S.D.A. or an F.D.A. Seal of Approval? How do I know if I should use more than one condom? If I use two, should I put the French Tickler on the inside or the outside? Which would be better for you?"
"Would the spermicide in two condoms be the same thing as a double negative? Do they cancel each other out?"
"Back to the size thing and you not laughing... can we do this in the dark?"
