RNC Nabs Fugitive Bill Murray
St. John's, Newfoundland (CBC) - After a two-day manhunt using some of Newfoundland's finest detective work, Bill Murray was located around 3 a.m. on Sunday. Murray, 53, had been missing since Friday.
Read full storyNoose tightens on Ben Stevens in Corrupt Bastards case
Juneau, Alaska - (Ass Mess): US District Court Judge John Sedwick has named Ben Stevens, son of powerful Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens, as intrinsic to the Feds' corruption investigation which has already nailed ex-state Representative Tom Anderson...
Read full storyLisa Nowak: "I was bonkers"
Orlando, Florida - (Insanity Press): Former NASA pilot Captain Lisa Nowak has pleaded temporary insanity as a defense on attempted kidnapping, battery and burglary with assault charges against fellow-NASA astronut Colleen Shipman.
Read full storyDr X libel case continues
The court case between a man, who we can only name as Dr X for legal reasons, and Mr Aksh Onman has continued without any progress this week.
Read full storyBelgian Jazz War Continues
The ferocious fighting in Belgium has continued into its twenty first day as chocolate making militia attack jazz musicians who are currently defending the capital, Brussels.
Read full storyDead man found in graveyard
A dead man has been arrested by police in Cheshire for loitering with intent in a graveyard near to where he died seven months ago.
Read full storyBush the porno star
Lazarides Gallery, Greek Street, Soho - (Ass Mess): A new, unauthorised portrait of George W Bush has been unveiled at a smart Soho gallery in central London today depicting the mobster politician as even more sinister than anybody's wildest imag...
Read full storyPhew, Brian Swelters in record breaking heat
Further to today's news that Britain is sweltering in a heat wave, it can be revealed that Brian Thomas (38) from Mid Glamorgan is slightly warmer than most, for the man is being sponsored to wear a Wet Suit over the summer month of August to rai...
Read full storyCarol Vorderman in running to be the next Pope
The thinking man's Carol Smilie, Carol Vorderman has shocked her many loyal fans by revealing her intention to be the next Pope.
Read full storyOrville on Strike - Cuddles still hates that duck
News from the house of Keith Harris is that Orville, the cuddly, somewhat pathetic duck from the 1980's is on strike, following the example of Mikey, a belligerent 8 month mallard in sunny Sunderland.
Read full storyVidrio Killed the Radio Star
SHOCK JOCK Howard Stern was last night fighting for his life after a freak accident involving former Mexican World Cup star Manuel Vidrio.
Read full storyBert and Ernie in corruption Charges
Beloved Sesame Street characters Bert and Ernie were today arrested, facing charges for corruption, bought against them by Beaker from the Muppets.
Read full storyAl Gore - get of my band-wagon says Kermit the Frog
Fractious Muppet Kermit the Frog, uncle of Robin, and lover of Miss Piggy is suing Al Gore for copyright infringement.
Read full storyGuy with worlds biggest penis dates gal with worlds smallest vagina
Dave Pekering 36, of Oxford England, has a problem. The girl he's now dating, Marishka Kiezlowski 24, Moscow Russia, has entered the Guinness Book of World records with the title of "
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Hypnotizes Judicial System
In a masterful move Lindsay Lohan hypnotized the police, prosecutor and judge in her duel cocaine possession/DUI charges. Legal analysts have been dumbfounded over how Lohan could slide out from under these charges so easily.
Read full storyVancouver to Host "Bore Fest"
Vancouver, Canada is to host this years "Bore Fest" which celebrates the dullest Canadian celebrities of the year.
Read full storyTom Cruise to be new face of garden gnomes
Heart throb multi-millionaire Tom Cruise is to become the new face of garden gnomes. The diminutive thespian has posed for legendary gnome sculptor Giovanni Laregia.
Read full storySamuel L Jackson to front Ku Klux Klan ad campaign
"Snakes on a Plane" actor Samuel L Jackson never turns down a chance to appear on screen. His next appearance will be on a nationwide advertising campaign promoting racist idiots the Ku Klux Klan
Read full storyThree out of Four Republicans Surveyed Prefer Dick
A recent survey revealed that most Republicans still support Dick Cheney as Vice-President, while George Bush's poll numbers have apparently gone flaccid. In fact, Cheney's approval numbers continue to remain rock solid despite a spat of spec...
Read full storyNew Paris statue for Diana
Rive Gauche, Seine - (Agence France Pisse): A new statue of Princess Diana is being planned for erection on a Left Bank site where a former colonic irrigation clinic once catered to the peristalisis needs of thousands of Parisian smack addicts who, l...
Read full storyA. G. Gonzales Tries to Weasle Back Into A.G. Posting
U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is back on the job thanks to the usual shenanigans that kept him there as long as it did.
Read full storyTurnoff turns off Noriega extradition pleas
Miami, Florida - (Client/Dictator Review Press): US federal judge William Turnoff dismissed attempts by former Reagan/Bush1 client dictator Manuel Noriega to stop the former Panamanian leader's extradition to France next month to begin a 10 year...
Read full storyNew Signing
Like another famous soccer coach Gareth Jenkins the Wales rugby supremo has found what he considers to be a vital asset to take the national team forward into the world cup series starting next month. After the teams dismal performances against Engla...
Read full storyLunar eclipse blamed on yet another Bush motorcade biker fatality
Albuquerque, New Mexico - (Ass Mess): Superstitious New Mexicans are blaming today's lunar eclipse on a bizarre accident involving a Rio Rancho motorcycle police officer who suffered a fatal crash while riding in President Bush's motorcade on...
Read full storyObama Will Return Indians Back Where They Came From
Mephistophel, Tennessee (IP) - Presidential candidate for life, Barrack Hussein Obama, stated today that one of his goals if elected president is to send the Indians back to where they came from.
Read full storyInsects Contribute DNA to Human Evolution
Murphy, North Carolina (IP) - University of Murphy's Law scientists reported an astounding discovery to the rest of the world this morning. They claim that insects contribute DNA to human evolution via saliva donations. The "donations"...
Read full storySnake Foils Bank Robbery In Progress
West Palm Beach, Florida (IP) - A civic minded serpent slithering past a First National Bank window on South Federal Highway this morning foiled a bank robbery in progress. The serpent was a very long Python that had been let loose by an owner who c...
Read full storyJohn Prescott is fired by McDonald's after one day
Former Deputy Prime Minister John "Two Jags" Prescott has been fired by fast food corporation McDonald's after just one day in his new job as a consultant.
Read full storyDiscount Airline Offers $5 Seats
Atlanta, Georgia (IP) - Rambler Airline Corporations is offering a record breaking low fare for passengers traveling within the United States. The price is a mere $5.00 and comes with no frills.
Read full storyLunar Eclipse Brings Out Fun Side Of Scientists
Mount Palomar, California (IP) - Once again the Lunar eclipse that occurred this morning brought out the fun side of scientists not usually seen by the public.
Read full storyJesus Cell Phone Found By Archaeologist
Jerusalem, Israel (IP) - Amateur archaeologist Henry Finootch was digging under the weeping wall with his small army shovel and made a discovery of historical proportions. He found the actual cell phone that belonged to Jesus H. Christ.
Read full storyCerne Giant's Penis Goes Purple - 'Phantom' Claims Responsibility
The giant 40ft penis of the world famous Cerne Giant, in the Dorset village of Cerne Abbas has been painted purple last night according to campaign group Fathers 4 Justice (F4J).
Read full storyHugo Chavez Refuses to Allow US to Invade Venezuela; Orders Sniper Rifles in Defense
Caracas, Venezuela (WTF News) - Head Venezuelan hombré, President Hugo Chavez, has requested five-thousand Russian-made Dragunov sniper rifles to defend his homeland from an imminent attack by the United States.
Read full storyPutin resigns, gay career becons
Following the success of his photoshoot tour in the Siberian Mountains, Russian leader Vladimir Putin has decided to resign and follow a modelling career as a gay icon.
Read full storyNorth Korea to China: Good Fences Make Good Neighbors
Pyongyang, North Korea (Dysfunctional Family Digest) - Just moments after Kim Jong-il's son, Kim Jong-nam, returned home from an extended "holiday" in China, the North Korean government began work on the new 'Great Fence of the Demo...
Read full storyMetropolis Daily Planet reporter, Clark Kent, detained, arrested and then deported to Mexico
Tijuana, Mexico - The Daily Planet's very own, Clark Kent, has himself became the news today, as U.S. immigration officials first detained, arrested and then later deported him at the U.S./Mexican border after his name failed to come up in the ne...
Read full story'I'm just too good looking' claims Mourinho.
In a statement due to be published in a national newspaper this weekend, maverick Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has admitted for the first time that he may be forced out of the game he loves within the next 12 months.
Read full storyLottery Winner Collects $300 Million
Kansas City, Misouri (IP) - A man named Henry Finootch won $300 million dollars in the lottery on Saturday night but was disappointed when he was paid in rolls of pennies.
Read full storyBill Clinton Pushes New Book on Okra Winfree Show
Hollywood, California (IP) - Bill Clinton will appear on the Okra Winfree show to sell his new book, "Eatin Ain't Cheatin". Bill Clinton's interview will be broadcast after 10:00 PM so that children will not be exposed to the interv...
Read full storyMoon Eclipsed by Mars Tomorrow
Pasadena, California (IP) - Scientist at the Jet Propulsion Lab (JPL) are staying up all night in order to see the moon get eclipsed by Mars. They are responsible for this event and would not miss it for the world.
Read full storyMichael Vick Signs With Prison Football League
(Atlanta) - Ex-Atlanta Falcons NFL quarterback and convicted dog fighting felon, Michael Vick, today inked a deal to play with the prison football league (the PFL).
Read full storyCuba Loosing Farm Animals At Record Pace
Havana, Cuba (IP) Our international reporter, Poindexterous Finootch, is in Havana this week and has learned that Cuba's farm animal population has been reduced to 14 cows, 3 bulls, 2 donkeys, and one goat.
Read full storySuperman evicted from his Fortress of Solitude by the Russians; applies for Section 8 government subsidized housing in Metropolis -- rejected
Metropolis, Metropolis - Superman flew out to his Fortress of Solitude located somewhere in the North Pole this weekend only to find it had been discovered by a recent Russian submarine expedition claiming it on the behalf of Mother Russia. He arrive...
Read full storyLunar Eclipse Will Cause Atlantic Hurricane Formation
Mount Palomar (IP) - Our science reporter just received a telegram from the Mount Palomar Astronomy Campus in California and the National Hurricane Center in Coral Gables, Florida which indicates that a hurricane will from in the Atlantic basin with...
Read full storyCamilla Backs Out of Fortnum & Mason Engagement
Fearing for her own safety, Camilla, Duchess of Co-Respondent has canceled a much anticipated visit to the posh Piccadilly grocer, Fortnum & Mason.
Read full storyPlaydough poisonings linked to Disney cereal
(Seattle, WA) Thousands of children have been admitted to emergency rooms for eating the popular children's sculpting clay Playdough after their parents bought them Disney's Lilo & Stitch breakfast cereal, according to an American Medical Ass...
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