Homo erectus - Homo habilis fossil finds indicate that two species of early man lived side by side, didn't get along
Hominid fossils discovered in Eastern Africa last week have shed new light on the origins of man and altered the way anthropologists perceive the timeline of human evolution.
Read full storyDesperation management as Bush plans White House wedding for daughter Jenna
Washington DC - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Politicians juggling dead-cat-bounce approval ratings do some very strange things. Former Prime Monster Tony Blair, for instance, paid one of the Labour Party's biggest lenders Sir Chris 'Bung' Evan...
Read full storyWe Need More S.E.X. & Less S.M.S. Please.
LONDON (Defecated News) - A new study from the Institute Of New Studies has suggested that the rise in non-personal communication methods and rise in remote and mobile technology could result in a natural birth control phenomenon. St...
Read full storyBush Declares America an Enemy of America - Invasion Imminent
Washington, DC - President Bush today declared that the United States is an enemy of the United States. The recent revelation that 19,000 AK-47 assault rifles shipped by the Pentagon to the Iraqi Security Forces have disappeared and could be in the h...
Read full storyNude photos boost Hillary Clinton's chances
The race for the next President of the United States hotted up today when photos were leaked to The Spoof of Democract Hillary Clinton posing naked for a famous men's magazine. The saucy photos are too hot to be printed in full here but we are ar...
Read full storySun 'Too Hot' For Human Existence.
LONDON (Defecated News) - Boffins at the University of Southampton Colonisation Research Of The Earthlings (U-SCROTE) have advised the government AGAINST planned solar landings and possible subsequent solar colonies.
Read full storyBlair suffering from same amnesia as Clinton says memoir publisher
New York - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): The US Publishers of Bill Clinton's autobiography have had a good laugh today and said that former UK Prime Monster Tony Blair is suffering from exactly the same hubris-induced amnesia as the ex President, his wi...
Read full storyLion-O Gay!
Third Earth - "We're the Thunder Cats, Ho…" That's the headliner at the Orpheum theatre in Greenwich Village where a play is set to open outing the furry feline. The poster has several male cats in Zoot Suits talking down to a str...
Read full storyBeckham to quit LA Galaxy!
LA - Former England Captain, David Beckham, who recently moved to the USA to try and milk the last few quid from his rotten career is set to quit Los Angeles Galaxy at the end of this week, an insider has told The Spoof.
Read full storyCruise Ship Rescues Fisherman Inside Hurricane Eye Wall
San Juan, Puerto Rico (IP) - Hurricane Cruise ship, Cyclone Seas, rescued an elderly Cuban fisherman from within the eye of hurricane Dean. The rescue occurred early this morning, August 16, 2007.
Read full storyThe Black Knight Takes Job at Burger King
(Sussex, UK) - Citing a surprising downturn in distressed damsels, dragon attacks, and evil sorcery, The Black Knight has put down his sword and taken a job working the counter at a local Burger King restaurant.
Read full storyHurricane Cruise Ship Makes History
San Juan, Puerto Rico (IP) - Maritime Cruise Ship, Cyclone Seas made history this week as it successfully took over 900 passengers into the grips of hurricane Dean's 85 knot winds and made it safely through the storm experience with no problems.
Read full storyKorean Man Kills Self Over Loss of Software Feature
Bik Pu, 37, a single South Korean man who worked in a Seoul office apparently committed suicide over the loss of "Clippy."...
Read full storyDisabled Man Charged With Murder of South Londoner
LONDON (Defecated News) - The body of a young man was identified today as being that of Daiy Yubic, a Polish builder from Poland. What is more interesting than that, are the details of the man convicted with his murder.
Read full storyTricky Ricky Apologizes for Foxy Brown
Brooklyn, NY--The Trickster has come forward and made a public statement accepting responsibility for one of his former pupil's aggressiveness. "She was a fast learner and a capable student but, when she wanted to get romantically involved,...
Read full storyCall Centre Staff to be Screened For 'Hotness'
LONDON (Defecated News) - In a move that has been labelled by some left-wing nutters as 'sexist', pharmaceutical giant Pyoobi Care has announced that all call centre staff will have to be good-looking to get...
Read full storyMost Girls Prefer to Swallow & not Spit
LONDON (Defecated News) - A recent study released by soft-drinks giant Labia Cola, shows us the drinking patterns of today's female youth.
Read full storyDead Loved Ones - Preserved In Pasty Form.
LONDON (Defecated News) - A Cornish pasty-making factory and national undertaker have teamed up to provide a sensitive yet alternative service for people.
Read full storyFarting Sparks Security Alert At Jail
Prison staff working at a maximum-security jail at the weekend found that the establishment's hi-tech locking system was no match for Kitchen staff, whose extraordinary culinary talents helped spark a major security alert. Inmates at Hull Prison d...
Read full storyBlair's new job? Middle East arms dealer on a commission
London - (Ass Mess): Downing Street sources were unable to confirm or deny reports in the UK press that ex-Prime Monster Tony Blair's 'unpaid' Middle East envoy job is in fact a commission-only arms dealership flogging hardware to the Sau...
Read full storyProfessor Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters Vandalized
Westchester County, Salem - The ultra-secret hideout of the X-Men suffered some serious damage at the hands of some unscrupulous octogenarians. The incident occurred while the students were on a field trip to Disney.
Read full storyUS offers Israel $30bn imilitary aid in return for 9/11 gag
Washington DC - (Ass Mess): In a landmark deal brokered by ex-Saudi ambassador to the US Prince Bandar and 'Quartet' arms dealer Tony Blair the United States government today signed a deal with Israel offering $30bn in military aid in exchage...
Read full storySenior Policeman Found Guilty Of Serious Sexual Acts
A senior police officer who met a woman for sex in a London hotel whilst on duty, has been cleared of a serious misconduct charge.
Read full storyChelsea To Be Crowned Champions On Sunday
Chelsea, last season's Premier League runners-up, will be crowned champions on Sunday if they beat Liverpool at Anfield, and Manchester United fail to beat their arch rivals, cit...
Read full storyMan lived in garbage-strewn room near Vatican with massive gold stash
Rome, Italy - (Rioters): An old age pensioner who lives close to the Via Dolorosa in a Vatican 'grace and favor' apartment strewn with trash and excrement was found to be hoarding a huge stash of pure gold worth over $1.5 million in...
Read full storyOhio schnauzer is the new Grim Reaper
Canton, Ohio - (Ass Mess): The Rhode Island kitty dubbed 'Doctor Death' for his uncanny ability to sniff out dying patients at a nursing home for the elderly has been upstaged by an Ohio schnauzer.
Read full storyMichael Winner sues Guy Ritchie
Michael Winner is issuing legal proceedings against Guy Ritchie. Mr Winner said: "My place in history as the worst film director was guaranteed until this oik came along! He's trying to steal my title!"...
Read full storyBig Ben Attack Foiled
An attempt to plant a bomb in the houses of parliament was foiled by the security service (MI5) at the week end as five terrorists attempted to enter the building from the roof. The five terror suspects abseiled down the south clock face of the Westm...
Read full storyCannibal tribe apologises for eating Methodists
Papua New Guinea - (Rioters): A Papua New Guinea tribe has apologised for murdering and eating Methodist missionaaries over 100 years ago.
Read full storyStock Markets behave in an irrational manner
New York - Frantic trading began today on news that the American Mortgage market was about to collapse. The Dow Jones average went below zero for the first time since trading began as many stock marketeers began to sell shares in finance companies in...
Read full storyCollege of Psychic Studies responsible for ex-spook Shayler psychosis
London - (Daftass Press): Jailbird and disgraced ex-spook David Shayler has said it the College of Psychic Sin London is where his first englightenment took place that has revealed him to be the born-again Messiah.
Read full storyWoman Suffers Fractured Arse Injury - World First
LONDON (Defecated News) - In what is considered a world first, a woman who fell off a building has suffered a Fractured Arse.
Read full storyRatzinger ordered Gerry Adams' Wikipedia edit
Cyberspace - (Ass Mess): Pope Joseph Ratzinger ordered the CIA to erase all references to Gerry Adams' criminality from his Wikipedia entry after NATO military intelligence had confirmed that the Irish terrorist is the Pontiff's son by Puppet...
Read full storyStephen King ejected from bookstore for vandalism
Alice Bed Springs, Australia - (Ass Mess): Horror fiction writer Stephen King was finally nabbed by an Australian bookstore and ejected from the premises after CCTV caught him 'wantonly scribbling' inside display items at an Alice Springs sho...
Read full storyFraud at Moody's, S&P and Fitch "Good for America" Says Ben Bernanke
WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) - The outright fraud and criminality of the debt rating companies Moody's, Standard & Poor's, and Fitch "is good for America" said Ben Bernanke, chief of the US Federal Reserve, in an exclusive interview with...
Read full storyHurricane Dean Defies Bush Administration
ATLANTIC OCEAN (Heewack News Network) - Despite the threat of sanctions by the Bush Administration, Tropical Storm Dean developed into a full-fledged hurricane and said if would come ashore "if it wanted to."...
Read full storyMice from Bagpuss on Strike
Shock BBC reports have surfaced from the late 1970's that showed that the Mice on Bagpuss were actually striking Miners when they worked on the show.
Read full storyA Convenient Truth - Al Gore admits he was wrong
In what is being described as the twist of the century , Al Gore, star of hit documentary 'An Inconvenient Truth' has sensationally admitted that he was wrong about Global Warming.
Read full story"Baghdad Bob" appointed new White House Press Secretary
DATELINE: WASHINGTON DC - In a stunning shake-up, President Bush has fired Tony Snow as White House Press Secretary, and replaced him with Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf.
Read full storyRonaldo sees Red Make up
Serial cheat Ronaldo saw red last night against Pompey. Referee Steve Bennet saw fit to give the Portuguese Mincing Whinger a straight red for what was interpreted as "violent conduct" for...
Read full storyLenny Henry: "I don't just do a Jamaican accent"
Legendary British stand-up comedian Lenny Henry, who Richard Pryor hailed as his true heir, has denounced critics who say he relies too much on doing a Jamaican accent in his routines.
Read full storyCherie Blair opens new branch of Aldi in Papua New Guinea
Cherie Blair, wife of former American Vice-President Tony Blair, has cut the ribbon at the opening of a new Aldi in Port Moresby, capital of Papua New Guinea. Mrs Blair was presented with a cheque for £100,000 by local children. The cheque was for he...
Read full storyA Peaceful Revolution
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Earth, the final frontier - BREAKING NEWS!!! I just interviewed Cal-el, who just returned home from Krypton. Boy was he angry at Bush!...
Read full storyRoyal Family revealed to be television reality show
Britons were shocked at today's announcement from 10 Downing Street that their Royal Family is in fact just the cast of a long-running television reality show entitled "The House of Windsor".
Read full storyHawaii Given Warning by Angry Gods
The Big Island, Hawaii (Reuterus) - After surviving a 5.3 magnitude slap-on-the-wrist earthquake earlier this week, Hawaii was quickly threatened by Hurricane Flossie (although she was eventually downgraded to a tropical storm).
Read full storyMillions of American Children Lose Their Toys; Millions More Chinese Children Lose Their Jobs.
As recalls continue to plague Mattel, America's largest toy maker, parents everywhere are struggling to find excuses to reclaim their children's most prized possessions. Susan Johnson of Kansas City says her experience is indicative of what...
Read full storyMattel Recalls 3.6 Million Sex Toys
No sooner did Mattel recall all of its Chinese-made Polly Pocket play sets, Batman action figures, and Barbie dolls, due to dangers posed by lead paint or tiny magnets that could be ingested that Mattel recalled 3.6 million of its lucrative secret se...
Read full storyElvis reincarnated as eight-year-old boy from Melbourne; 'Return of The King', say Elvis fans; Idol producers worried
Memphis, Tennessee - Like the devoted followers of the revered Delhi Ramah, Elvis fans believe that an eight-year-old boy from Melbourne, Australia is Elvis incarnate, not just another Elvis impersonator. Invited to sing in person at the special 30th...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Sues Santa Monica Police Department
Lindsay Lohan, recently arrested for allegedly assaulting her fired assistants mother in a parking lot in Santa Monica, DUI and drug possession has countered the charges with a lawsuit for harassment, unreasonable search and seizure and making me t...
Read full storyBen "Ghandi" Kingsley Locks Lip With Olsen Twin Mary Kate
Ben Kingsley, Oscar winner for his title role in Ghandi and 63 years old, was seen kissing Mary-Kate Olsen on the set of his most recent film. The two are shooting a movie where he (Kingsley) plays the psychiatrist treating her (Olsen) boyfriend.
Read full storyMichael Vick, A Case of Dog Bites Man
The prosecution has it's teeth sunk into Vick's leg and no matter how hard he hits it, it won't let go. Three defendants have come forward to name Vick as the mastermind and finance behind a pit-bull fighting ring.
Read full storyEmpathy Can Spark Contagious Flatulence
Mephistophel, Tennessee (IP) Scientists have discovered that the act of flatulence committed by one individual can induce the same act in another nearby individual...
Read full storyMicrosoft unveils new 'Microsoft' role playing game
Redmond , WA - (Faux News) In the new MMORPG (massively Microsoft online role playing game) previewed by Microsoft inc. today , it is a far departure from the traditional sword and sorcery fantasy games offered by their competitors.
Read full storyHand that Flattens Own Agitator
The brief footage of French President's recent visit to USA fully captured my imagination: King George I, Queen Barbara, Prince George W. Bush , Laura Lane Welch, Princess of Midland and, of course, shorter than Napoleon, Nicolas Paul Stéphane Sarközy de Nagy-Bocsa, Empereur des Français.
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