Diana crash car to be melted down and sculpted as Memorial Fountain bird of paradise
London - (Ass Mess): The wreckage of the Mercedes S-280 which fatally crashed under the Pont d'Alma on 31 August 1997 is to be melted down and sculpted into a giant Strelitzia reginae bird of paradise flower.
Read full storyMcCann parents asked to return to Vatican for Pope reconstruction
Praia da Iluzion, Portugal - (Rotters): Gerry and Kate McCann have been asked to return to the Vatican to take part in a large-scale re-enactment of their meeting with the Pope last year.
Read full storyWarren Jeffs' Yearn for Zion Brothel Raided
Eldorado, Texarse - (Wacko Mess): Cops have raided fundamentalist polygamist nutter Warren Jeffs' Yearn For Zion child molestor brothel and released over 400 brainwashed hostages.
Read full storyVoldermort' Baby
Outside the skies are blue and the trees are in full blossom, but in Diagon Alley family planning clinic an anxious Voldermort is sat in the waiting room.
Read full storyHarry And Ginny's Wedding
It is the eve before Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley sex themed wedding and yet he is in the bed of another, that is right, Harry James Potter is in bed with Sophie his mistress of five blissful years.
Read full storyA Sexless Christmas At Hogwarts
It was Christmas time at Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry and everyone was getting into the festive sprit. The grounds were covered in a layer of thick Hedwig white coloured snow and from every nook and cranny hung magical decorations.
Read full storyThe Award Show, The Gay Kiss And The Insane Stalker
It was the night of the best wizarding awards which is very similar to muggle award shows such as the Oscars except that the awards are awarded to wizards for acts of great magic.
Read full storyThe Strip Club
Ron is in the Hogwarts bathroom pruning his new assset when harry walks in.
Read full storyZimbabwe Presidential Election Results "Disappeared"
Zimbabwe / South African Border: In a bizarre twist to the already shambolic Zimbabwe elections, the Zimbabwe Election Commission (ZEC) have announced the real reason for the delay in declaring the recent presidential vote.
Read full storyExclusive: My Night Of Passion With Harry Potter
Mum of two Katie Britton (22) talks exclusively to me about her steamy night with Harry Potter (18).
Read full storyIraq Anonymous Quiz
Answer each question honestly to examine whether you have an Iraq addiction:...
Read full story"English-Only" Signs Pop Up Throughout Mexico
In a controversial move, the Mexican government has begun hanging "English-Only" signs throughout the country. This measure has angered Mexicans.
Read full storyPortuguese Police make Shannon Mathews Mum and Step Dad Aguidos
On the Lunch Time News today, Sky TV showed live pictures of Portuguese Police Chief, Inspector Mateus Rose sitting at his desk opening his second bottle of red wine.
Read full storySan Francisco City Council Replaces Olympic Torch Flame With CFL
The Olympic Torch arrived in San Francisco, California on Tuesday, and that city's government took immediate action against the imminent threat of second-hand smoke.
Read full storyWorlds Smallest Vagina - New Record Holder
The Guinness Book of Records has just confirmed that they have discovered the smallest vagina ever caught on record. It belongs to Jennifer Jenkins, a trailer-trash skank who lives somewhere in Nebraska.
Read full storyMatthews Police: This is not a joke
(Dewsbury) Police investigating the disappearance and subsequent reappearance of nine-year-old Shannon Matthews have strongly denied rumours that the whole story is a joke, and that its main characters are actors making a new topical...
Read full story"Harrods" for Sale
Yorkshire-born Egyptian Mr Alf Highhead is reputed to be selling his 'little shop' in London after his conspiracy theory was shown to be exactly that.
Read full storyEmma Watson To Marry A Tramp
Actress Emma Watson who plays geeky Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter films, has announced today that she is to marry a homeless tramp called Bob Smith. Friends and fans are concerned by Emma's sudden engagement and erg her to stop and think.
Read full storyObituary Of A Bottling Fiend
Bob Bipschwitz was buried this morning. Bob was a bottler back before machines did the jobs of men.
Read full storyUS Announces 1000 Year Iraqi Rule… Dick Cheney at the Helm…
A secret document has been leaked where it reveals that the US plans to rule Iraq, Iran and any other oil bearing nation for the next 1000 years with Dick Cheney at the helm.
Read full storyMcCanns to sue the Matthews family
Modern day heroes and saints Gerry and Kate McCann are to sue the family of Shannon Matthews for taking press attention away from the ongoing search for Madeleine.
Read full storyChina Offers to Set Tibetan Monk Afire
The Chinese government is a wee bit upset over the protests of the Olympic Torch relay in London, Paris and soon to be San Francisco. They want to put a stop to the bad publicity immediately.
Read full storyIts 3 am. Hillary Clinton needs to stop lying
Pathological Liar A pathological liar is usually defined as someone who lies incessantly to get their way and does so with little concern f...
Read full storyNaomi Campbell punches pensioner
Supermodel and skank Naomi Campbell has been arrested after she assaulted a 94 year old man who walked past her in the street.
Read full storyGerry and Kate McCann invite Shannon Mathews Mum and Step Dad to Sunday Tea
Gerry and Kate McCann have done what they think is a Christian thing by inviting Shannon Mathews Mum and Step Dad to Sunday Tea at their Leicestershire home.
Read full storyGreenspan Endorses McCain, McCain annouces new VP
The presumptive Republican presidential nominee received the endorsement of Alan Greenspan on Monday according to an official statement given out by his office.
Read full storyBig Bird caught bird flu from son, Li'l Bird
Tests on Big Bird, recently diagnosed with bird flu in China, show he probably caught the disease from his son, Li'l Bird.
Read full storyBrainiest Girl in the UK makes more money working as a Prostitute than working for the Foreign Office
TV reporter Norma Snockers has announced that "Child prodigy Suri Cantgetanuff who went to Cambridge University at the age of 10 is now making a fortune earning £20,000 per week as a Prostitute."...
Read full storyPolar bear kills fish, mentions the war
Animals hand-raised by German zookeepers display disturbing tendency toward cruelty, goose-stepping, and following orders.
Read full storyObama hires Python Cleese
Washington DC - (Primary Mess): Fed up with criticism that his Iraq policies aren't firing on all four cylinders Barack Obama has hired former Monty Python actor John Cleese, famous for his trademark "Do Not Mention Ze Vor" cat...
Read full storyGift Wrapped Packages Pour In For Charles And Camilla Crystal Wedding Anniversary
Balimmoral Castle, Scotland - (Nuptial Mess): The Scottish post office has reported that thousands of parcels from all over the world have been seized ahead of Charles and Camilla's crystal wedding anniversary celebrations tomorrow.
Read full storyHouse Prices To Fall By 40% This Year, Say Experts
House prices in Britain could fall by as much as 40% this year, says one of the UK's top bankers, fuelling speculation that a mass sell-off of ever-cheaper properties might result.
Read full storyYamalazhoo - An Arab Technocrats' Zoo
You may not like my ideas, perspectives I present, issues that I shed light on, or even me as a person. I can't blame you, won't criticize your opinion, or duel against your intellectuality. Still trying to figure out what am I blabbering about? Well, let me lay it out flat to you, I am the Anarchist in your super supreme almost-perfect system, be it international or local, government or c...
Read full storyHeather Mills to blame as McCartney emasculated and Ringo beheaded like Thatcher
Liverpool - (Sordid Mess): Scouser tongues are wagging and pointing the finger at Heather Mills after a 30 foot tall Beatles topiary was tampered with, emasculating Paul McCartney of his manhood and decapitating Ringo Starr 'just like Margaret Th...
Read full storyCerys Matthews not arrested earlier today
In an amazing story it has been revealed that Cerys Matthews, 39 from Cardiff in Wales, has not been arrested by Police today.
Read full storyThe Butler Did It, Coroner Says
London - (Sordid Mess): "Butler Paul Burrell did it for me," Lord Justice Scott Baker said today after delivering his verdict on the tacky Princess Diana business.
Read full storySunbed Cancer Link
The majority of people who use sunbeds have an increased risk of developing lung cancer, it has been revealed. A straw poll, taken outside Tanyaz Tanz in Wigan, Lancashire, showed a whopping 100% of all people who visited the salon put out a cigar...
Read full storyShannon's mother planned 'shameless' lobbying of Pope
Dewesbury, W Yorks - (Ass Mess): Shannon Matthews' mother planned a 'shameless' lobbying of A-List celebs like the Pope and Gorgon Brown according to the reports.
Read full storyParis Hilton Wins Pulitzer Prize
(Philadelphia PA) Paris Hilton was awarded a Pulitzer Prize today for her series of articles on exobiology for the Philadelphia Inquirer. The articles covered the latest findings from the Cassini-Huygens probe around Saturn launched in 1997. Ms. Hilt...
Read full storyAugusta Masters Latest: US PGA To Sue Single Mother Over Unauthorised Use Of Name
The US PGA has reacted angrily to the actions of a single mother and her "unauthorised use" of the name of its most prestigious golfing event, the Augusta Masters.
Read full storyOlympic Flame calls it quits
The pictures of violent upheaval are still freshly imprinted in everyone's minds: the Olympic Flame, having only just arrived from Greece, sported nothing but controversy, both in London and in Paris, with probably more hullabaloo to come in othe...
Read full storyPrincess Diana Inquest Latest: Sir Elton John To Write Another New Song
Sir Elton John, the Official Songwriting Genius to Her Majesty the Queen, has today announced that he is to write another new song to commemorate the end of the Princess Diana Murder Inquest, which f...
Read full storyMcCain Will Promote the Takeover of America
WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) -- Republican presidential candidate John McCain said on Tuesday that he will continue "the Jewish takeover of America that George Bush has begun" if elected president.
Read full storyThirteen Episodes of Bagpuss to be Installed in the Shakespearean Canon
Bagpuss, the baggy moggy purr, having consistently trounced all British theatre rivals since 1999 has been awarded the singular honor of being included in the Shakespearean Canon.
Read full storyBagpuss Leads in the Polls! Ole Tomcat and Winnie the Interracial Pooh Close In
In the strangest of strange US Presidential Primary campaigns, cartoon characters have surged into the top three spots in the polls.
Read full storyThe President's Bush is Dying
The White House, Washington, D.C. - President Bush's bush is gravely ill, and presidential horticulturists are at a loss to explain why. Gary Wackerman, white house horticulturist, released a statement today claiming that Bush's bush does no...
Read full storyBlair enters Presidential Race
(WASHINGTON DC) Tony Blair has shocked the world by announcing that he is to stand in the November Presidential elections as an independent.
Read full storyFrench want Blair for President
A poll conducted by ICM shows that a majority French people want Tony Blair to be the next President of Europe.
Read full storyBNP to address Oxford Union once again
Anti-fascist protesters are due to converge on Oxford University when BNP leader Nick Griffin and Holocaust denier David Irving address students for the second time this academic year.
Read full storyPregnant Man, Thomas Beatie, inspires controversial new children's toy
North Pole - A small but militant band of transgender Elves have taken over Santa's Workshop up at the North Pole. They are working overtime in to help indoctrinate your children with their skewed value system instead of yours. They have come up...
Read full story"I'm too Tall for Photographs" claims Bromley Man
Madcap Joe Potts, 64, from Bromley,Kent, is once again planning to clear his debts by suing a large multinational. This time it is the American based producer of photographic equipment, Eastman Kodak Company, more commonly known in England simply as...
Read full storyMan flies home after 31 years on Death Row
A 57-year-old man flew home to the UK yesterday after spending over half his life on America's death row. Ian Bailey walked free from jail in Wickham County, Ohio, after reaching a plea deal with prosecutors over an arson attack in which a family...
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