Written by peter Brown
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Topics: Funeral

Tuesday, 8 April 2008

image for Obituary Of A Bottling Fiend
Bob Bipschwitz

Bob Bipschwitz was buried this morning. Bob was a bottler back before machines did the jobs of men.

Bob had a knack for keeping things in bottles, things like soda bubbles, bobbles, beads and bows. Bob loved to bottle. It was his calling. When he was eleven 'Big Bobby Bip' as he was known to his friend, bottled bees and beetles. Even then he was a master. Friend Freida Freud said, "He sure does like to put things in bottles."

Bob never had any formal training, just a rash of empty beer bottles due his fathers prolific hobby. Big Bob senior was a master drinker. He was unaware of his sons penchant for bottling, as he spent most of his evening passed out under the families porch. This was fine with Bob. The more bottles the better.

As Bob grew up he tried to showcase his talents, but no one really understood him. Mostly people just yelled at him as he walked about town with two belts loaded up with a bunch of beer bottles. He would bottle anything left alone for a minute or two. Such was his skill, and so fast was his trade that most folks didn't even see him at work.

"That little nutter wearing a brace of belts loaded with beer bottles, just bottled up my car keys and about two dollars and fifty cents in loose change! What's wrong with him!"

Never leave anything lying idle when Bob was on the scene. Not unless you wanted it sealed in a beautiful brown thick bottomed bottle. So when he sought employment at the bottle company he was a perfect fit.

He walked in and bottled up the bosses wallet faster than you can scream "What in tarnations are you doing boy!" Yes, once the boss laid his eyes on Bobs skill and his speed, he though. "This kid will work weekend for next to no pay." He was hired that day and worked straight through till morning , then he put in just one extra shift. Bob was content and came eagerly to work everyday of the week, and of course he brought is own tools.

Bob Bipschwitz bottled at Bette Bottle Barn for 30 odd years before automation blew his bottle capping days away. Where does a lifetime bottle stuffing Bob go after that? No one else really had use for his skill. So after months of looking, Bob Bipschwitz did the only thing he could think of. He bottled himself.

The neighbors found him in his backyard, smiling contentedly sealed in the biggest bottle they had ever seen.

"He seemed very happy. I mean, he sure did like to bottle stuff, it just seemed fitting. Given his skill he should be well preserved for a number of decades."

So Bob Bipschwitz was buried this morning, bottle and all, like some sort of strange time capsule to the boy who never really adapted to a world who couldn't use him. Sealed up for eternity, a happy Bob floated off to that great bottling plant in the sky.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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