Modern day heroes and saints Gerry and Kate McCann are to sue the family of Shannon Matthews for taking press attention away from the ongoing search for Madeleine.
Clarence Mitchell, who used to be a BBC news correspondent before he committed career suicide by becoming the McCanns' spokesperson, said "Gerry and Kate are distraught that so much news attention has been focused on the antics of the bizarre Matthews family."
In a bid to get the tabloids to write about them again, the McCanns are arranging for several of their relatives to be arrested. They will also reveal that Gerry is actually Maddy's stepfather and his uncle's sister's father is Barney the Dinosaur.
In other news, Karen Matthews, the mother of Shannon, has been charged with harassing the producers of The Jeremy Kyle Show. She demanded that they let her family appear on the show but one producer said "I'm afraid we only like to have ordinary ugly commoners on our show, not people who were in The Hills Have Eyes."