Olympic officials have determined that swimsuit makers Speedo, Inc, makers of the LZT racer, and Japan's Yamamoto Corporation have devised swimwear apparel that gives competitors sporting their outfits an unfair advantage over those who are not.
Emma Watson, the 18-year-old who played the female temptress Hermione Grange in the Harry Potter movies, excitedly exclaimed to family and friends that she had her first orgasm last night as she was watching television in her room.
Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus got the shock of her life after coming face to face with a massive hairy camel toe. The teen starlet narrowly escaped being trod upon by the angry dromedary whilst visiting a refuge fo...
Heroes starlet Hayden Panettiere has joined the ranks of the Hollywood elite by launching her own online sex video co-starring Angelina Jolie. Demand for the video has been so high the internet crashed at around 10pm last night and boffins have been...
'It is one of the greatest spectacles on earth and I for one will never forget the sight of all those magnificent tits straining against the very fabric of life itself in the pursuit of immortality'...
Vienna AUSTRIA, (TS) Josef Pretzl, the Austrian man who fathered seven children with his daughter while keeping her locked up in a subterranean dungeon as a sex slave for 24 years, will plead insanity to avoid a prison sentence.
In a freak accident some are calling too much of a coincidence, both Harry Potter actors Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter himself) and Emma Watson (clever clogs side kick) have been badly injured.
Men with oversized boobs (alternatively referred to as 'moobs') are being sexually harassed by male co-workers at their places of work.
There was plenty of hype surrounding the first public showing of Jeff Peckman's much vaunted 'Alien' video, however experts have identified several key flaws that bring doubt as to the veracity of his claims that it shows an alien being p...
LAX - Miley Cyrus' brother, who calls himself Dan, were in the next room at a Hoe-Down the other night. Dan says Miley doesn't have that much to be proud of (physically) and she has definitely met her match when his recent photo-shoot for Peo...
Miley Cyrus finally responded to Hugh Hefner's offer to pose nude for Playboy and her answer is "YES!"...
The pictures that Miley Cyrus took for Vanity Fair were actually for her ex-boyfriend, Nick Jonas, part of The Jonas Brothers.
Angeline Jolie, the big-lipped star of Tomb Raider today confirmed she was expecting twins thus abandoning any hope of retaining a youthful tuppence.
NAHSVILLE, TN - At first glance Julian looks like your typical country music star. He's got the cowboy hat pulled low, the sleeves of his Western shirt rolled to his elbows, and his boots brightly polished. On further inspection, however, one n...
Provocative 15-year-old Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus is turning formerly healthy heterosexual men into pedophiles, according to law enforcement agencies.
Manchester United player Cristiano Ronaldo has been caught up in a sex scandal with three cross-dressing transvestite prostitute deviants, some sources claim.
Pacific Ocean - (AC/DC Ass Mess): Paparazzi have spotted newlywed Jenna Bush and her husband honeymooning on a tropical island nudist lesbian beach resort.
A giant talking penis is making comments wherever it goes and getting on the news right and left and some people are calling for it to finally be circumcised once and for all.
France - (Reuterus & Ass Mess): French doctors have refused to perform an emergency caeserian on Angelina Jolie after ultrasound scans revealed nothing more than a fully-blown pseudocyesis.
It was announced today that the United States is to open a University of Irony, in Chatanooga Creek, Oklahoma.
California - (Ass Mess): A new hagiography about the German occupation of Paris Hilton's pudenda says it encouraged women's lib at a time when the world was still reeling from her lesbian claims.
Hollywood, California - High School Musical superstar Vanessa Hudgens is reportedly in stable condition at the hospital now. However, that was not the case earlier in the day when shooting for High School Musical (?) unexpectedly had to be stopped as...
Millionaire Emma Watson is reportedly taking a 'well earned' rest from filming the 6th Harry Potter film as producers feel she is over worked. However my sources can reveal that although it is true that Ms. Watson is taking a break, it is for...
Captain Hikaru Sulu, best known for navigating the USS Enterprise on episodes of "Star Trek" while still a lieutenant, says he plans to wed his lifelong love now that the California Supreme Court has overturned its ban on gay and in...
Amstetten, Austria - (Reuterus & Ass Mess): An omerta style wall of silence has descended on Amstetten CID amid press speculation that the eldest grandchild of incest nutter Joseph Fritzl is herself pregnant.
Pete Bennett, the winner of Big Brother 7, has admitted that his trademark characteristic of Tourette Syndrome was a gimmick he used specifically to win the £100,000 prize.
Washington AC/DC - (Hustings Mess): Forget those sentimental and foolish GOP yearnings for Condoleezza Rice as John McCain's Number 2.
Orlando, Fla - (Reuterus & Ass Mess): Shrugging off pregnancy rumors and a doctor's prescription for antispasmodics Miley Cyrus defied her critics by performing without throwing up once at Orlando's Epcot Center on Saturday.
The now famous, but sometimes politically incorrect and nonetheless extremely funny Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman joke has been banned in Iran by their president, Havano Dinnajacket.
In a stunning reversal from its usual policies, white Supremacist organization Aryan Nation announced today that it will endorse mixed-race candidate Barack Obama over his very white opponent John McCain for president of the United States.
The "Lost Tribe" of Brazil may not have been so "lost" after all. The scientific community that was collectively on its way to South America by ground, sea, and air and willingly contributing to global warming has come to a scree...
Brno, Czech Republic - (Hideous Mess): Police investigating Austrian incest nutter Joseph Fritzl have found a 200km tunnel leading across the border to an apocalyptic sex cult's slave camp in the Czech Republic.
Sonny Jotnose, a Sophomore at Barstow High School in California, was expelled for wearing a T-shirt on Friday. Superintendent of Schools, Ms. Rhoida Hemerra said the shirt's message was offensive.
Newark, NJ - The local Newark Police Undercover Unit set up a sting operation by sending out notices that the recipient of this letter has been randomly picked to receive two baseline tickets to a New York Yankee game.
There must be some serious rivalry between the Harry Potter stars because today, after hearing about Daniel Radcliffe's new found mingingness, Emma Watson too let herself go.
Miley Cyrus has recorded a cover of her dad Billy Ray's smash hit tune 'Achy Breaky Heart' for a new movie while fully clothed in a recording studio in downtown Los Angles.
Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe is recovering at his home in Cheshire, England after pricking his bottom on a needle he landed on while bouncing on a cock of hay for a scene in his latest film 'The Boys in the Barn'...
World Asthma Day is an annual event organized by the Global Initiative for Asthma (GINA) to improve asthma awareness and prevention around the world.
Beijing, China - In order to comply with the highly censored and strict Chinese government run TV standards, the U.S. women's Olympic soccer team had to sign an agreement that they would not remove their shirts on the field or anytime during a so...
He maybe me gorgeous beyond belief, he may have a couple of million stashed in his bank account, he may even be the owner of a shiny new ice cream van, but Rupert Grint has never kissed a girl before, or at least until recently he hadn't.
A fragment of the supposed true cross of Christ purchased by Toothpick magnate, Woody Gutree, is being sold on the Christian Ebay, Ebayjesus.
Jena Bush will be married this weekend at her father's ranch near Crawford, Texas. Considering that "Daddy" is President of the United States, it is a significant ranch and a lot of money is involved in giving away the First Daughter.
Just days ago, sweetheart Vanessa Hudgens claimed she was pregnant to ex boyfriend and fellow High School Musical Star, Zac Efron. But today, Zac has come out swinging claiming he's not the father.
After Barack Obama has distanced himself from cult leader Jeremiah Wright, he has found a new spiritual advisor who is more in tune with human nature. Who is it? Legendary pop star, Michael Jackson!...
Senator Barack O'Bama, famous for giving meaningless soundbites and flashing his teeth, has announced that these teeth are actually dentures.
The rumours surrounding the pending nuptials of the famous "cheaters" Angelina & Brad, have now become a reality.
Phu Quoc, Cambodia - (Extraterrestrial Mess): Vietnam's air force has shot down an ominous-looking UFO that had been spotted hovering menacingly in its sovereign airspace.
Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr have decided that they want to revive the Beatles, finding replacements for the late John Lennon and George Harrison.
Not long ago, Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus debuted her new song '7 Things' to be featured on her upcoming album 'Breakout'.
The supporters of Hull City, newly-promoted to football's Premier League, are now the hardest and most feared set of hooligans ever to grace the top flight of the English game, says an expert.
Brno, Czech Republic - (Demonic Mess): On the day when Christendom commemorates the ritual public immolation of St Joan of Arc a former Austro-Hungarian Empire sex slavery cult, the Grail Movement, is celebrating its greatest annual feastday...
Shocked London officials revealed today that the Para Olympics will still go ahead in London in 2012 following a survey which revealed that most people actually watch it for the "laugh" value.
Miley Cyrus and her father, Billy Ray, the Country Music legend, are to get married, according to reports from Hollywood.
Hidden scenes have been found in Grand Theft Auto IV, the latest in the controversial video game series. It didn't take long for hackers to find the back doors into an even more disturbing world than the already offensive main story.
Bright orange teenage slappers all over Great Britain are risking the lives of their unborn children by glueing themselves to tanning beds all over the U.K.
CRAWFORD, TX- Longtime news service reporter Helen Thomas has won the grudging affection of every U.S. president since John F. Kennedy with her disarming bluntness and redeeming wit. The jury is still out, however, on how her latest coup will affect...
Cristiano Ronaldo, the Manchester United winger whose goal helped the Reds to win last night's Champions League Final in Moscow, is to be given the freedom of Manchester's Gay Quarter as a result of his s...
Britain's Got Talent, the TV variety show which promoted 'dodgy' acts from amongst the UK masses, comes to the boil this week and, with the final on ITV1 this Saturday, the red hot favourite is a dancing dog named...
Tel Aviv - (Mindblowing Mess): NASA's Mars Phoenix mission is being guided mentally by psychic (sic) Uri Geller who says the remote-control archaeological excavator is searching for the fabled Martian amethyst master skull.
A boy from Coventry has become the youngest-ever reported case of an affliction that is sweeping Britain, when he was diagnosed by his mum as suffering from Juvenile Dementia.
Sharon Chavez, of the Burberry Estate in the city, said her 5-year-old...
A leading psychologist-type, doctor-type has recommended that the abortion age limit for Chavs should be raised to 18. That is, they can now be aborted up to 18 years of age if they show no signs of normality.
Speaking at the Annual Conference for...
A twat flap thought to have once belonged to Eve, the first woman on the world, has been found in the Sinaii Desert. Teenager Callum D'Asbo almost tripped over the small green leaf and thought nothing of it until his Dad Terry spotted a small hai...
Hadrian's Wall, the structure built by the Romans to keep Scottish people from encroaching into England, is to be fortified at a cost of £28billion of taxpayers' money - money, says the government, that would...
(New York, NY) Barbie will turn 50 in 2009. To mark the event a suicidal, middle-aged version of the famous doll has been released.
The rumoured plan by former Rainbow host Jeffrey to release his memoirs could sink the show, according to Rainbow fanatic Mike Meadow.
Bungle, the show's current leader, has already come under fierce attack since Lord Freddy (formerly part of Rod,...
An enterprising geography teacher has designed a pair of socks that will help remove the nerd from the herd. As a bonus, they can be worn in bed without giving a girl the creeps.
After just five days of marriage, the union of President Bush's daughter, Jenna, and 30-year old Henry Chase Hager, has ended.
Never a company to hide its commercial light under a bushel, Swedish flat-pack and maker of peculiarly-named products, IKEA, has announced a range of basement furniture and accessories especially for the Austrian market.
The triumphant return from the dead of Chief Inspector Derek Conway in ITV's "The Bill" has been ruined by the political shenanigans of his political namesake, Conservative MP Derek Conway.
Ted Kennedy was airlifted to a Boston hospital after what could possibly have been a stroke (or another bump on the head after being falling down drunk again). While being treated by a trauma team in the emergency room, the Massachusetts Senator was...
For some reason unknown to me, Harry Potter Actress Emma Watson has launched her own show 'Who Wants Some Of My Millions'. The show will be very much like 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' except of course it will be on the BBC and Emma...
Saltzburg, Austria - Elvis has left the dungeon! In a search of dungeon-master Josef Fritzl's holiday house in the Austrian city of Saltzburg, police have found rock and roll king Elvis Aaron Presley, pale but apparently well.
Los Angeles, California - (Bare Ass Mess): A record breaking five million dollar contract has been signed in secret between a men's magazine and Hannah Montana starlet Miley Cyrus.
Long time television interviewer Barbara Walters admits in her new tell-all book that she has masturbated secretly several times during the course of her long career.
Jacqui Smith, the pot-smoking Home Secretary, has announced that, from today, all cannabis that is smoked in the UK must be stronger, and must meet stringent European Cannabis Strength Laws.
(Somewhere in the world - Anonymous News Service) - Because so many famous politicians are flooding to AA after committing ridiculous acts of depravity, horrible driving and sleeping during Congressional Meetings, churches are becoming worried. These...
A disabled trainee fireman, who has been training at a fire station for the past 6 years, is suing the Health and Safety Executive because they are banning him from qualifying as a fireman.
Facing certain defeat due to Barack Obama's insurmountable lead and his refusal to look for sex in public bathrooms, Senator Hillary Clinton resigned from the race for the Democratic presidential nomination on Tuesday night.
The volleyball actor who shot to fame in 2000 as the "Wilson" character in the blockbuster movie "Castaway" with Tom Hanks, was found dead, floating in the backyard pool of his once immaculate Beverly Hills home this past Friday.
'Dogging' is losing its popularity, and is not as practised as it was only a year ago, says an expert who regularly attends dogging events.
Dogging, the act of performing sex whilst being watched by strangers, achieved notoriety in the 1990s after...
Los Angeles - (Disaster Mess): Studio bosses have pulled Tom Cruise's family biopic Valkyrie after the FBI advised that Austrian incest nutter Joseph Fritzl has tested DNA-positive for paternity.
Jenna Bush, the 27 year old daughter to U.S. President George W. Bush, says she is "scared and nervous" about losing her virginity after her wedding to University of Virginia Graduate student Henry Hager.
London - (Bare Ass Mess): The antics of thousands of naked dyslectic women riding bareback through London's traditional spring sonking bites have been branded as a crude display of cunning stunts.
Dallas Cowboy starting quarterback Tony Romo has called it quits with singer/actress/model/blond bombshell Jessica Simpson. The football player was seen escorting American Idol runner up Kellie Pickler into a Fort Worth nightclub yesterday.
Anchorage, Alaska - (Frozen Ass Mess): Governor Sarah Palin is determined to de-list polar bears as a threatened species after a law protecting them was passed in DC last week.
Amstetten - (Reuterus & Ass Mess): Austrian incest nutter Joseph Fritzl has blamed his mother Unity Valkyrie Mitford Fritzl for the mess he finds himself in today.
London - (Lurid Ass Mess): The octogenarian husband of former top spook Dame Stella Rimington has laughed off reports that his wife was weilding the whip when Nazi S&M nutter Max Mosley was busted in a fetid orgy sting in March this year.
Hollywood, California - Jeff Archuleta, the overly zealous "stage mom" of "American Idol" contestant, David Archuleta, has been banished from the magical kingdom of Simon Cowell, say the show's producers. As they have had enou...
Jenna Bush, 26, the beautiful blond daughter of President Bush was married in a private ceremony, Saturday May 10, 2008 at Mr. Bush's Crawford Ranch near Waco, Texas.
WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) - The FDA has announced that after intensive investigations it has determined that Botox injections lead to infection and death.
Online auction giant eBay announced today that it is going to try it's hand at the fast food restaurant business. The appropriately named "e-Burger" franchise, is scheduled for it's grand opening later this month.
Beaver-faced Brazillian striker Ronaldo admitted having sex with three ladyboys in a hotel-room in Rio De Janeiro but says "I only realised they were men after I had fellated all of them. Now I feel deeply ashamed."...
LOS ANGELES (FMLiveWire) - Madonna has joined Britney Spears expanded visitations and now plays Grand Theft Auto 4 with the Spears' kids.
Across the world there have been images on trees, rocks and even the sky that have reminded people of God, Jesus, his mother and all kinds of natural and supernatural phenomena.
Britain is to become the world's newest dictatorship, ending centuries of contentious parliamentary rule and the farce of a purely ornamental monarchy.
Curvaceous culinary vixen, Nigella Lawson, has launched a new revolutionary cook book - the Kitchen Kama Sutra - where she combines new recipes with adventurous sexual positions.
A forthcoming episode of the hit Channel 4 programme, Property Ladder has been withdrawn when one of the featured developers took onboard 'every bit of advice' that Presenter Sarah Beeny gave them.
Though Roger Federer has lost a very human 6 matches this year so far and so he is also taking on another human trait, "trash talking".
Beijing (Xinhua) - A magnitude 7.1 earthquake hit off the east coast of Japan's main Honshu island at 0:45 a.m. Thursday, according to China's earthquake and giant lizard monster observatory network.
Amstetten - (Reuterus): Military sonar equipment has detected a massive World War II Colditz-style tunnel network under Austrian incest nutter Joseph Fritzl's subterranean dungeon hellhole.