The White House, Washington, D.C. - President Bush's bush is gravely ill, and presidential horticulturists are at a loss to explain why. Gary Wackerman, white house horticulturist, released a statement today claiming that Bush's bush does not suffer from any know disease of shrubbery and bushes. The statement also claims that the bush receives adequate sunlight, water and nutrition
In an interview late yesterday, Wackerman stated that he has tried everything to save Bush's bush. "I've applied the finest fungicide, insecticide, and fertilizer all without success."
In an effort to save the bush, renown plant psychic Chick Rotenone was permitted to touch Bush's bush today so that she could "commune" with the plant and discover what troubles it.
After touching Bush's bush, Rotenone made claims that the bush was able to communicate to her that the "poor bush was not dying from disease or environmental conditions, but rather from depression due to an identity crisis and humiliation."
Rotenone stated, "You see, the bush was planted shortly after Bush entered the White House. For the first few months, the bush thought that all of the celebrations and visitors where for 'the bush,' not Bush." When it came to realize that all of the hoopla was not for itself, it became depressed and embarrassed. On top of all of this, constant humiliation followed when Bush brought home a pet dog and the canine constantly urinated on the bush.
"The bush even related to me that one night," says Rotenone, "one of Bush's daughters, you know, the cute, chubby one, came stumbling home drunk as a bar wench, fell to her knees on top of the bush and vomited all over it. The only upside of that event was when she fell into her own puke and squished her boobs into the plant."
When asked what she thought could be dome to help Bush's bush, Rotenone replied, "Well for one thing, keep the dam dog from pissing all over it. Plus, things have to be done to raise the bush's spirits. Things like the cute chubby daughter just getting drunk short of vomiting, and pressing her boobs into the bush from time to time. Also, the plant does enjoy seeing Mrs. Bush's bush whenever it can."
In response to Rotenone's claims, Wackerman stated, "Hey who knows, I'm desperate at this point, I'll take almost any advice if it helps."
On a related note, rumors have been circulating among the Washington press corp. that Mrs. Bush's bush has been languishing for quite some time now, most notably suffering from neglect. When asked to confirm the rumors, Wackerman said that he had only been called in to treat the President's bush, and that he had never even seen Mrs. Bush's bush. He did, however, say that if she requested it, he would be happy to take a look at it.