Cure for tiredness
In an attempt to win the igNoble prize for medicine, a team of researchers in Luton have finally found a true scientific cure for tiredness. Plenty of people know about drinking ten cans of Red Bull, three double espressos and forcing a Boost bar...
Read full storyAn Open Letter To The Prez
Dear Barak I hate to bother you with my problems and all cause I know you have a lot of problems yourself. I was sorry to hear about Air Force One wearing out but going to Helena for Buffalo Burgers in the limo shouldn't be to bad. Anyway, I just want to say that we support you and everything. I see you working hard and squinting at the teleprompter on my big screen TV. You have very s...
Read full storyNigerian money laundering email scam hits House of Lords
London - (Slush Fund News): A new twist on the classic Nigerian money laundering email scam has rocked the House of Lords this week. Self-confessed banker to the IRA Lord James of Blackheath told astonished peers on Monday that a very important -...
Read full storyObama Plans Vacation, Because He is Mad at Voters
Washington - President Obama is taking a vacation to India, because he is so upset with voters that didn't help the Democrats keep control of the House. "I can't believe these dumb voters didn't vote for more Democrats. How stupid do you have to...
Read full storyOpinions from an Unemployed Maverick Senator
Eighteen years in the Senate taught me, Russ Feingold, that being bitter about losing my job to Ron Johnson. A man that campaigned with the promise that he was going to create jobs, well, my job is gone. I can't wait to see what Mr. Johnson does for this unemployed Senator. I worked hard for the people of Wisconsin and this is the thanks they give me. They give me the boot. I promised to c...
Read full storyGet In: Drugs Mule Detained At Heathrow
A drugs mule was detained in Heathrow this morning, moments before boarding an aeroplane to the USA. The mule, Dean, an ex Brighton donkey, was caught carrying over 40 kilos of cocaine in two panniers strapped across his back. Airport staff bec...
Read full storyFact: New Scientific Study Proves Running 'Gets You There Quicker'
Scientists have sensationally discovered that running 'gets you there quicker', whilst being a good cardiovascular workout. The study, undertaken at the Cambridge university, was conducted over a four year period. Funded by the taxpayer, boffins r...
Read full storyOral Sex Leads To Intercourse Says Expert
According to a study by Oral Lee Johnson, a specialist in sexual behavior, oral sex being carried out by teens can lead to intercourse. "I have completed stage one of my three-year-study and here's the feedback: Oral sex definitely can lead to int...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Accidentally Shows Off Thong At Basketball Practice
A friend and a former teacher of Miley Cyrus when she was in the ninth grade revealed to one of our reporters that Miley had once "accidentally" exposed herself, wearing a thong in front of the high school basketball hunks. "Mylie only attended th...
Read full storyLos Angeles Lakers' Rick Fox 'Bounced' Off Of Dancing With The Stars
HOLLYWOOD - The latest celeb to be eliminated from Dancing With The Stars is Rick Fox, ex-member of the NBA's Los Angeles Lakers. Rick found himself in the bottom three with Kyle Massey and Bristol "The Pistol" Palin. His professional dance partne...
Read full storyWhitehall to ban the use of rectangles
Whitehall are to ban rectangles in government buildings as part of a cost cutting exercise aimed at saving the tax payer millions of pounds a year. Officials plan to implement the proposals within the next fortnight after the National Audit Offic...
Read full storySkyler King Dies
Skyler James Adam Edwards King from Truro died in a fatal accident November 3rd involving him and his girlfriend. Forensic experts have deduced the accident happened around 18 hundred hours and involved his head getting stuck in his Girlfriend Amy Co...
Read full storyJosef Fritzl claims he's more (in) famous than Hitler!
Austrian child abuser, child rapist and father of them all, Josef Fritzl is a pretty naughty old chap. After being caught and exposed normally he should have been sentenced to a short sharp career in Dachau or Auschwitz, Adolf would certainly have...
Read full storyMichael Vick Declares Himself Fit as a Dogfighting Rottweiller, In Preparation for His Upcoming Loss To Indianapolis This Sunday.
The Philadelphia Eagles starting quarterback, Kevin Kolb, wait, no... Michael Vick, then Kevin Kolb, then Michael Vick, says he is as fit as a Rottweiller in a dogfight, and is ready to get to The Linc, where Peyton Manning's Indianapolis Colts will...
Read full storyAndy Irons Uses Methadone and Ambien to Sleep. Forever. (REVISED)
Supersurfer Andy Irons, who won 614 championships in a sport no one cares about, was treating insomnia with Methadone and Ambien, with fantastic results: In fact, he'll never wake up again. Irons, who died yesterday at age 32, was also battling De...
Read full storyPelosi Takes New Job at Nordstroms in San Francisco
Ousted as the Speaker of the House of Representatives just a day before, Nancy Pelosi has agreed to take on the role of "Add On Sales Marketing Director" for all of Nordstrom's west coast operations. The new role will be very similar to her old jo...
Read full storyObama, "I'm not going back."
There was concern in Washington recently as President Obama was leaving the White House in his helicopter on the first leg of his much publicized trip to China. Some observers stated that they saw Obama gesture toward the White House with the midd...
Read full storyNutty India hacks down coconuts before Obama's visit, they feel the nuts could have racist roots!
In order to make sure that Obama's visit to India and Mumbai goes absolutely smoothly the Indian security authorities have bulldozed the local slums, banned homeless begging urchins, tripled security guards, army, police, bomb disposal units and have...
Read full storyCoconut Threat to Obama!
Having half survived an assault from the Mad Hatters Tea Party President Obama has been faced with a new threat. On his forthcoming visit to Mumbai in India Coconuts are thought to be likely to fall on his head, so all Coconuts have been removed...
Read full storyNew Xbox 360 Dashboard Update Dubbed "Genius"
The new Xbox 360 dashboard update has been dubbed "genius" by many critics. It was released on the 1st Nov and is proving to be a big hit! The crisp, soft and welcoming colours (white) "really welcomes you in", claims Xbox Magazine. Fans are over...
Read full storySame Sex Couple For Strictly Come Dancing?
It has been announced (mostly by me) that in the next series of Strictly Come Dancing, to begin next year, a same-sex couple will feature. Bruce Forsyth, asked about the rumour, said "I'm staying tight lipped. And with all the queens round here that...
Read full storyUnited Fudge Packers Excited About New Hazel Nut Enema
The United Fudge Packer Union, which represents millions of fudge packers in the USA, today issued a declaration of support for a product that might revolutionize the fudge packing industry. At no time in the history of fudge packing has there ever b...
Read full storyDear Spoofy....
I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a while. My life's become rather complicated lately. Since I wrote to you last I have run off with two acrobatic twins from the Moscow State Circus. We enjoy the most fantastic sex, sometimes without even being in the same room. I had to leave Moscow suddenly because I murdered a babushka one morning at the bus stop. It was her or me. She was armed with a s...
Read full storyObama Fires His Cabinet
Washington, DC - As a result of losses in the mid-term elections, President Obama fired his entire cabinet, as well as Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs. Newly appointed Press Secretary, Juan Williams, announced the President's new cabinet. Attorney General: Judge Judy Secretary of Agriculture: Buckwheat Secretary of Commerce: Oprah Winfrey Secretary of Defense: Chicago Bears Secretary of Edu...
Read full storyNew Band On The Block 'The Teenagers' Set To Release First Single
The music worlds latest find, 'The Teenagers', are set to release their first single this week. A rewrite of the 1980's Joe Dolce hit number 1 'Shaddap You Face' is being released to coincide with the young stars first tour of the UK. 'I'll Sti...
Read full storyUK/French Defence Plans Drawn Up
Further details have emerged today of the pending agreement between the UK and French Governments to share military intelligence and technology in the coming decade. The UK has agreed to hand over full control to the Isle of Wight to France. In ad...
Read full storyShock: Man Buys Liver On Ebay
A person, so far known only by his screen name Britvic3953, has sold his liver on ebay for £6.52. The seller, who has refused to respond to emails, put up the listing for seven days. Advertising the liver as 'one careful owner, never subjected to...
Read full storyBritain runs out of things to close down
It was revealed today that the government has run out of things to close down. A spokesman for the Department of Trade and Industry said: "There has been a concerted effort over the last 30 years to close down as much of British industry as possib...
Read full storyMohamed Mohamed Mohamud Charged With Terrorism: Obama Denies Muslim Connection
Mohamed Mohamed Mohamud, Basaaly Saeed Moalin and Issa Doreh, three San Diego men, have been charged with providing money to a Somali group described as a terrorist organization. They face conspiracy charges related to their alleged involvement with...
Read full storyNazi Invasion - Women Bishops Will Start War, Says Churchman
A Bishop's claim that ordaining women bishops in the Church Of England will be like a Nazi invasion has received high-level backing. Bishop of Lewes, the Rt Rev Wallace Benn, later qualified his comments, saying he meant that there were "storm clo...
Read full storyKatie Waissel's New Career Bid: Brit Artist
X Factor wannabe Katie Waissel kept fellow contestants waiting at a video shoot after being confined to her bed yesterday Show production staff said that they were concerned for the singer's health as she seemed on the point of melt-down. There...
Read full storyElection Returns Confirms California, Massachusetts, NY, & Nevada Pledge To Join EU!
With the mid term elections results all but confirmed, and the GOP taking back Congress, making significant gains in the Senate and in the process halting the advancement of the Obama takeover, several left leaning progressive liberal states have s...
Read full storyBerlusconi Furious: Yemen freight ban halts his Viagra-Plus deliveries
Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, is furious at the Yemen. Being a customer of the Yemen's special brand of Viagra, named Viagra-Plus, he now finds that because of the international ban on freight from the Yemen, he can no longer receive...
Read full storyStar Interview: Meeting with Worldwide Recording Artist Jason Beaver
Back in 2009, a veritable tour de force was unleashed on the world of music. Wrapped in the body of a 15 year old boy, the artist, nay star, that is Jason Beaver. His path to fame and fortune was a hard fought one. A hard trail, fraught with dangers and both mental and physical abuse. This is Jason's story, in his own words. I met up with him at the Ritz in New York. A cold and rainy Oc...
Read full storyWhat No Santa? SPL bosses in dismay
Referee Dougie McDonald is in hot water with Mums and Dads throughout Scotland after revealing in a radio interview that Santa Claus doesn't exist. In the wake of the controversy we decided to ask top Scottish managers their opinions on what Dougi...
Read full storyCoalition on course to be "greenest government ever"
A new study has revealed that the coalition government is on course to be the greenest government in the world, ever. It also reveals that far from selling all LibDem members and supporters down the river for a whiff of power, Nick Smegma in fact ins...
Read full storyUSAF Decommissions "Air Pelosi" After Botax Bimbo Loses "Lady in Waiting" Status!
Despite a two month delay before the NEW Republican Congress will be installed, a relieved Air Force Command began to dismantle FORMER House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's private jet and restore it to functionality. Having spent over $2m of taxpayer mone...
Read full storyStuxnet behind London Stock Exchange crash
London - (Bull**** Market): By lunchtime yesterday the suspected 'glitch' had repositioned the Footsie Index somewhere below the international junk bond market's fire sale trading register. And re-routed the LSE lavatories' aircon systems into tra...
Read full storyOxygen more harmful than crack, says former drugs adviser
Oxygen is more harmful than crack cocaine when used from an early age, according to a study in the Glancet. The report was authored by Professor Arthur Tuttykins, a former drugs adviser to the government who was sacked in 2007 for reporting findin...
Read full storyRemember, remember the filth of November/Mk#2
London - (Gunpowder Plot): Cops hunting a suspected Downing Street KGB mole delayed telling the PM about last weekend's Yemeni bomb plot it has emerged. Undercover bomb squad officers apparently found a listening device in one of the Cameron baby'...
Read full storyLondon Underground: Strike Update
Its carnage, CARNAGE, CARNGE across London this morning as millions of zombies decend onto London's streets. Yes, its true, London Underground have yet again gone on strike and the average commuter has to brave it to the office overground where th...
Read full storyPrince Charles to learn Scouse
New research has shown that the Scouse accent is the best for talking to plants in order to make them grow. Field trials were conducted at Cambridge University into whether or not talking to plants actually contributed anything to their growing ab...
Read full storyBritain and France to merge?
An historic merger between the French and the British has stumbled over what to call the alliance. David Cameron and Nicolas Sarkozy met in front of the world's media to announce this historic venture, the most audacious of its kind ever seen in t...
Read full storyNew U.S. National Security Strategy revealed: a Fleet of Drones and an Army of Clint Eastwood Clones
(Sector 20301) - America's newest National Security Strategy has been revealed to consist of a fleet of unmanned aerial vehicles backed up by an army of Clint Eastwood clones. Vice President Joe Biden has called the strategy "pure genius", hailing...
Read full storyTaylor Swift Launches New Fragrance; Repression
Backed by fragrance and makeup giant Elizabeth Armin, Taylor Swift has announced that she will market a new fragrance and body care line of products just in time for the holiday shopping season. With trademark names like Obsession, Passion, Fusion,...
Read full storyRare Modigliani With Normal Face Nets $69 Million
Though not quite impressionism and not quite realism, Modigliani was better known for his portraits of average people in average situations where heads and faces and features were cleverly but only slightly distorted. Last week however, a rare nude...
Read full storyMariah Carey Appears on Lopez Tonight Topping 200 Pounds
Mariah Carey must have been booked for the George Lopez Show months in advance, so much so that a cancellation breach of that particular appearance contract must have been too expensive to bear. The husky Carey waddled on stage to fill up the guest...
Read full storyRepublicans Gain But Nutbags Shown the Door
While election results in the mid term U.S. congress roll in, it became clear that the Republican party would make strong gains in the house but not as much in the senate. Most notably however, was the ouster of most wide right tea party candidates...
Read full storyRubio Wins Florida Senate Seat, Dishes Out Fish Tacos as Thanks to Supporters
(Coral Gables, Florida) - Early polls show that Republican Marco Rubio handily beat his challengers in the race for United States Senator. The son of Cuban exiles, he will also soon hold the distinction of being the darkest member of the Senate wh...
Read full storyBret Michaels Denies That He's The Reason That Billy Ray Cyrus Is Divorcing His Wife Tish
LOS ANGELES - Bret Michaels was having dinner at L.A.'s trendy Buffalo Bill Steakhouse when he was asked about Billy Ray Cyrus divorcing his wife Tish. Michaels replied that he had learned about it from Miley who had texted him a few days ago. Bre...
Read full storyPart 2 Jedi Knight Attack: Into the Ear Canal of Death
Tattomein- "Go! Not go! Only to be in existence is a waste of space. Must follow to its' conclusion of logical" said Yoga to Luke and Leia Pissgum Skywalker as they fought their way into their starfighter suit and star fighter ship. "I think someone's gaining a few killipgrims in their posterior side," chided Luke as he struggled with the seat harness." "Oh shut up!" replied Leia as she pull...
Read full storyGlenn Beck Changing Image
New York -- Glenn Beck is changing his image. Nazi outfits are out, and funny t-shirts are in, because data showed his viewers had issues with his clothing picks. Jerry's Funny T-Shirts, owned by a Rush Limbaugh, is also a new sponsor of the G...
Read full storyMan Votes, but Wonders Why
Duluth, WI--Jack Rome, a factory worker, is wondering why he voted. "I feel like I should vote, but I really wish I had more options. Ron Johnson made his money by marrying into a rich family, and Scott Walker scammed Milwaukee. Yet, it seemed lik...
Read full storyAOL's New Look Is A Pretty Ribbon Wrapped Around A Steaming Pile Of Sh-t
AOL, the internet service provider with which your mother tied up the phone in 1998 has given itself a new look! Gild The Lily... ...is actually misquoting of Shakespeare's King John, which has not yet been turned into a movie by hammy overactor K...
Read full story"Sloppy Ballot Counting"in WV Village reason Dems hold House and Senate nationally
"Edward "Skippy" Ball, Assistant County Election Commissioner for Barboursville, West Virginia, a small village in eastern Cabell County, West Virginia has a "red face" today owing to sloppy ballot counting in his three precincts that have forced the...
Read full storyTeabagging Splash Leaves Wave of Sore Nut Sacks in its Wake
Nut sacks across America are raw after a wave of teabagging sucked up an elephant-sized nut sack of House of Representative races on election night. "Teabaggers without nut sacks currently in their mouths are cheering a win of the House of Represe...
Read full storyChapter 28: The Monkey Man Cometh
Jean Le Fete gazed morbidly at the orb as it bounced towards his hotel. He thought fleetingly of jumping out of the window, perhaps he would awaken from this nightmare within a nightmare, within a....the phone rang. "Meet me at the laundry chute," a familiar sultry voice said, the phone clicked. "Merde!" he cursed and threw the phone across the room and he cursed at himself for being so weak...
Read full storyDoing it with girls is better than being gay, but not in a gay way
On Tuesday in Milan, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi spoke for all world leaders everywhere, especially Brazil, France and Iran, when he said that, just because he looks at girls, inserts his penis in them, wiggles "IT" around a bit, makes o...
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