Republicans Gain But Nutbags Shown the Door

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

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While election results in the mid term U.S. congress roll in, it became clear that the Republican party would make strong gains in the house but not as much in the senate. Most notably however, was the ouster of most wide right tea party candidates who could have easily started careers as comedians.

Carl Paladino, the guy who openly threatened reporters and routinely carried around a baseball bat with him when speaking of cleaning up congress, gave his concession speech tonight by wielding the same implement and telling his opponents to "watch out" in the next term. It was unclear if Mr. Paladino ever played ball, or which side of the plate he swings from given that the bat was bright orange. Perhaps the Paisley bats were out of stock.

Christine O'Donnell the self professed "good witch" managed a few more points than 30% in her election proving that a pretty face and strong desire to legislate religion and morality aren't enough to win an election. She is poised to open her own sundry shop after she pays her advertising bills. We believe the bat wings will be on special next week.

Sharon Angle, the bright candidate who didn't know the difference between the articles and the amendments to the U.S. constitution will most likely lose her bid in a closer race, proving that intelligence is not a requirement for U.S. congress. You just need a microphone and a voice in a state ravaged by unemployment, where the only message is "we need change". Thanks for that. What change are you planning to architect? What legislation are you hoping to introduce? Hello? Here's the door.

Still, other morons managed to get voted in including Rand Paul, whose recent campaign stop included a boot stomping of a young female opponent where Rand's self appointed security force held her head to the ground as Paul passed by. Now here's a guy we want to party with.

Still, other strong deserving republicans did win both in the house and senate in addition to key governorships across the U.S. The message being, we need to find some middle ground with which to build a recovery. Moderation is the key, and collaboration is required by both parties to get the job done. My money is on posturing and finger pointing, but it will be fun to watch the party.

In a related story, C-Span is expected to eclipse ESPN as the most watched sports network in the Americas. On one channel, viewers can expect to see boxing, poker, mixed martial arts, rugby and the twit of the year Olympics. Stock up on popcorn and sausages, it's going to be a bumpy two years.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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