Andy Irons Uses Methadone and Ambien to Sleep. Forever. (REVISED)

Written by anthonyrosania

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

image for Andy Irons Uses Methadone and Ambien to Sleep. Forever. (REVISED)

Supersurfer Andy Irons, who won 614 championships in a sport no one cares about, was treating insomnia with Methadone and Ambien, with fantastic results: In fact, he'll never wake up again.

Irons, who died yesterday at age 32, was also battling Dengue Fever, last reported in a caucasian man in 1538.

"Mr. Irons was battling Dengue Fever in recent weeks," said a physician on tour with the surfer. "To my knowledge, opiates and prescription sleep medications are not recommended treatments for Dengue Fever, which might explain why Michael Jackson never got it, right? Haha! Too soon?"

Interestingly, fans of Irons are lashing out at everyone, except, you know, the guy who died.

"Andy was a beloved representative of the sport," said Ian Chris-Thomas Stephenson, an avid surfing fan who watches the sport on TV because he is far too fat and uncoordinated to actually surf. "Just because tons of opiates, sleep aids and methadone without a prescription was found in his room, doesn't make his death his fault.

"He represents everything I love in a man," Tweeted hedleyvii-Sammies Hubby. "His sinewy chest, his lithe frame. I can't believe he is the victim of an obvious murder plot."

Irons, who leaves a smokin' hot, seven-months-pregnant wife and a good looking corpse behind, is revered in Hawaii, his home state. The governor of Hawaii declared February 13 forever 'Andy Irons Day', and there is legislation to make Methadone with an Ambien chaser 'The Official Accidental Cause of Death of Hawaii'.

The results of Irons' autopsy will be released shortly. For the next 3 days, all professional surfers will wear their board shorts at half-mast in Irons' honor.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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