AOL's New Look Is A Pretty Ribbon Wrapped Around A Steaming Pile Of Sh-t

Written by anthonyrosania

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

image for AOL's New Look Is A Pretty Ribbon Wrapped Around A Steaming Pile Of Sh-t

AOL, the internet service provider with which your mother tied up the phone in 1998 has given itself a new look!

Gild The Lily...

...is actually misquoting of Shakespeare's King John, which has not yet been turned into a movie by hammy overactor Kenneth Branaugh:

Therefore, to be possess'd with double pomp,
To guard a title that was rich before,
To gild refined gold, to paint the lily,
To throw a perfume on the violet,
To smooth the ice, or add another hue
Unto the rainbow, or with taper-light
To seek the beauteous eye of heaven to garnish,
Is wasteful and ridiculous excess.

"For many millions of people, AOL's front page was the guardian of the portal to the vast World Wide Web," said an AOL marketing rep who is obviously paid by the word. "Now, AOL is poised once again to be the first thing an internet user sees, before following their bookmark to Youporn."

AOL's front page now has feeds for local and national news, quicker links to the features that no one ever uses, and actual video.

In other worlds, AOL version 2011 does exactly what Google's homepage did in 2004.

"This isn't as much attempting to gild a lily," said the AOL rep. "It's more like wrapping a beautiful ribbon around a big Great Dane sh-t."

"We are looking to make a re-entry in the market, and remind advertisers that AOL is still a good platform for them," he continued. "Unless, of course, they want actual people to see their ads. Then, they should probably stick with Google.

Unfortunately, adding video and local news feeds to AOL is like putting clean underwear on Paris Hilton: It may look worth checking out at first, but once you dive in, it still smells like a yeast infection.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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AOL




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