Oliver Strops Over 'Fit' Cobain's Failure
Miquita Oliver is to star in a Channel 4 special of programme 'Faking It' after a massive music blunder. The T4 presenter who touted for Kurt Cobain to be voted as 'Best Singer' in a BBC poll stropped after he failed to win. The supposed grunge...
Read full storyKen Livingstone Eyes 2012 Comeback
'Red Ken' Livingstone has expressed his intention to make a screen comeback in 2012. But there is cynicism in the film community following the collapse of his movie franchise in 2008. One critic said bluntly: "Ken's now over 60, he just can't...
Read full storyCuban government insists citizens save water
The Cuban government has urged it citizens to save water. In hard economic times the government has realised that water is now worth more than oil. Therefore, the latest commodity for investment is water. Government investments representative, Mr...
Read full storySandra Bullock's Son Caught Cheating With Trashy Mom
Sandra Bullock's success in the movie industry has not translated into a successful personal life. Just weeks after dealing with her cheating husband, Jesse James, Ms. Bullock recently found out that her new son has been secretly seeing another...
Read full storyObama names Clapper as new Intelligence Director
President Obama has named General James Clapper as the new Intelligence Chief, following the resignation of Dennis Blair in May. His appointment has had mixed reviews, as many in Congress objected to his nomination; it is felt that he will have a...
Read full storyIrish ship Rachel Corrie due to arrive in Gaza
The Irish aid ship, MV Rachel Corrie, is headed for the territorial waters of Gaza, estimated to arrive at 0600 BST (0900 local) today. On Friday, crew member Jenny Graham said they remained determined to dock in Gaza. Despite this determination,...
Read full storySusan Boyle is rooting for Chandi in BGT final
It is reported that Susan Boyle is indeed rooting for Chandi, the dancing dog, in tonight's BGT final. When asked, "Why?" Susan replied, "Och, well you know A always root for the underdog. Seems to me, from wo' A have hear, that poor wee Chandi has had a bit o' a rough life, aye. A am so pleased that the bonnie wee lassie, Tina, came into Chandi's life and loves her tae death. You know...
Read full story"They're the jeans I would have bought...blah, blah, blah"
A leading car insurer has been censured for telling drivers that 'It pays to be confused.' Edmund Knight of the AA commented - "Confused driving certainly does not pay unless you like hospitals and funerals. A new pair of jeans is probably the lea...
Read full storySimon Cowell is in love with a real 'bitch'
Simon Cowell is, indeed, in love with a real bitch. Her name is no secret, it is Chandi. As many people know, this bitch can dance. She wowed the judges in the auditions of BGT and also in the semis. Chandi loves the quickstep. Simon is quoted...
Read full storySinger, Janey Cutler is well prepared for final-hopes to be in Susan Boyle's league
Janey Cutler says she is well prepared for tonight's final of BGT. Clutching a an energy drink she said she was placing a bet on herself to win. She wouldn't disclose the amount but it's suspected she has also put another bet on for herself to lose.
Read full storyLetters To The Editor - From Call Centre Operatives
Sir What is it with people with queries, and bosses who monitor calls? I used to work in a call centre, and recently some bloke from Bromsgrove rang in to ask the price of them little rubber things you put under castors to protect wooden floors from your furniture wheels. When I looked it up, it was thirty-one ninety nine for six, and you'd need at least two sets for your average piece of furni...
Read full storySeb Coe £1m bonus "An insult"
Sir Sebastian Coe has launched a vitriolic attack on the Olympics Remuneration Advisory Board for what he describes as an 'unrealistic' and 'insulting' pay offer. "First I slog my way round the track in daft athletic events, then I have to fly aro...
Read full storyPaul McCartney Becomes Official White House Court Jester
Paul McCartney gave such a memorable oral performance at the White House where he received the Gershwin Award, that President Obama has decided to keep him on full time as the new Court Jester. "I am so thankful for this opportunity to serv...
Read full storyNew Twilight Book to Be Offered Free Online, Internet May Crash
Fans of Stephenie Meyer were ecstatic to learn that her just-published novella, The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner, will be offered free online, for a limited time, starting Monday at noon. Given that there are millions and millions of Twilight f...
Read full storyJolly Good Time Turns Gay for Gore and Soros
Are wedding plans in their future? No one knows for sure yet, but the tabloids are reporting that former Vice President Al Gore and world renowned financial mogul George Soros have become an item. All of this follows in the wake of the shocking...
Read full storyDettori admits "My horse was a robot"
Frankie Dettori has sensationally admitted that one of the horses in his 'Magnificent 7' was a cyborg robot. The 28th of September 1996 at Ascot had gone down in history after Dettori won all seven races in what was a triumph for punters and a cal...
Read full storyDick Cheney Founds Shot-Gun Corporation
Former Vice President Dick Cheney has landed on his feet in the private sector, and once again it is with a, "bang." The initial public offering for Cheney Shotguns started at ten dollars per share, then quickly rose well above forty dollars per sh...
Read full storyThe Queen sails for Israel
A mercy mission, led by the Queen with the Duke of Edinburgh, to take much needed materials to the beleagured enclave of Gaza, has set sail on HMS Britania. Prince Philip quipped to reporters at the dockside: "If the Turks can do it, the Greeks must...
Read full storyLetters to the Idiot Editor -- West Virginia style
Dear Idiot: I read yesterday where you wrote that rascists like that Rand Paul guy shouldn't be allowed on the ballots at all. David Duke ran for President. Robert Byrd, former Grand High Clexon of the West Virginia KKK has been serving for years. Barometer Obama is racist as hell; I heard that from Glenn Beck, an impeccable source. So, you just go fuck yerself you yellow muradered, marri...
Read full storyBig Brother goes to the circus for last ever series
The show that inflicted the likes of Jade Goody and, erm, the ghost of Jade Goody on the British public has turned to the circus to get its contestants for the last ever series. A bearded lady, the incredible three breasted half man, half rat, jug...
Read full storyBP Stages Most Expensive Dog and Pony Show in History
P.T. Barnum would be extremely proud of BP right now. His famous words "there's a sucker born every minute" could relate quite well to the millions of suckers who believed BP when they told everyone how safe BP's offshore oil well drilling platforms were when, in fact, nothing could be further from the truth. But just as they got away with that lie, they are doing their darndest to get away wi...
Read full storyEx-tamil tigers turn to conservationism
Former Tamil Tiger members have been working together to establish a wildlife reserve in North Eastern Sri-Lanka. The group, which officially disbanded in May of last year following a bitter and bloody conflict, is now engaged in a conservation p...
Read full storyMegan Fox Character Killed Off In Transformers 3
Michael Bay is in the driver's seat on this one and, as earlier reported, he is bringing in a replacement for Megan Fox because of her calling him such lovable names as Hitler and Genghis Khan. So revenge will be sweet as it has now been reported...
Read full storyLetters To The Editor: "Dickless" Cheney, "The Duchess of Pork," "Chezza," and "Dancing Derek"
Dear Editor: I just thought that I would write a quick little message and just let everyone know that I am not missing. And the truth of the matter is that I am purposely hiding in a cave in Afghanistan. Yes I know it sounds crazy, but hey Osama Bin Laden has been doing it for years. I find that the absolutely atrocious Afghani heat helps with my sinus condition, my digestive system, my circulato...
Read full story"Come die with me"
'Russian Airline Pilots are so drunk they are not even able to complete their log-book between flights since they don't know where they've landed or where they took off from' - a report has revealed. Air stewards are said to regularly step in to c...
Read full storyCameron Honours Cornish Genius
Tavistock - David Cameron made his first public appearance outside of London as prime minister here today to honour Tavistock's most famous son, Jonas Falmouth, a wheelwright who invented the paint-stirring stick in 1342. Cameron spoke at the dedica...
Read full storyCleric Discounts Rumor That The Prophet Mohammed Was Born With A Lisp'
Grand Mullah Haji Manboob in Syria has announced his findings after archaeologists suggested that the Prophet Mohammed talked with a lisp due to a cleft palate. Many feel he was born with the abnormality. Others suggest he had no actual palate at all...
Read full storyLuton cancelled
After centuries of ridicule, the town of Luton is to finally give way to bulldozers and return the land to tranquil countryside. Just the passable St Mary's church will remain. Luton airport meanwhile will be rebranded 'London North' so people who kn...
Read full storyLas Vegas Oddsmakers Taking Book On Reasons For Al And Tipper Gore Divorce
Las Vegas oddsmakers are making book on the real reason why the 40 year marriage between Senator and Former Vice President Al Gore and his wife Tipper is ending. While the two have issued a joint statement saying that the marriage has dissolved...
Read full storyBees Allergic To Pollen
The decline in bee populations is probably due to over-exposure to pollen, the Environment Secretary Caroline Spelman probably claimed today. Bee populations have been shrinking in recent years and lobby groups have pressed for government funding...
Read full story"Poverty Tsar Ate My Hamster"
Newly-assigned Poverty Tsar Frank Fielding is already in trouble with the Work and Pensions Department for suggesting that the poorest families in Britain must be willing to eat their own pets in order to get through dire economic problems rather tha...
Read full story1,500 people stage water fight in Hyde Park
Oxford Street had to be closed today after a water fight organised through a social networking sit spilled over onto the streets. 1,500 people attended, and the fight which started at 1pm raged on until 9pm. Police were forced to move in and stop...
Read full storyStripper Bubbles LaRue Inherits Gary Coleman's Estate
Provo, Utah - A Utah attorney has come forward and claimed that Gary Coleman had a will naming an old friend as executor of his estate, meaning his parents don't have a say in how his body or his estate will be disposed of. Coleman had the will dr...
Read full storyLetters To The Editor - In Wax Crayon
Sir, I want to complain about all these cookery programmes on the telly. These so-called chefs keep popping up telling me to finely chop some onions, or capers, or crush some garlic up with a cleaver or a sharp knife and it makes me really angry. I live at Broadmoor Psychiatric Hospital for the Criminally Insane, and no matter how much I plead with the warders, they won't let me have a cleaver...
Read full storyDangerous royals to be fitted with GPS trackers
London - (Rotters): The dangerous wackjobs are to be fitted with loony bin-style satellite tracking devices to stop them escaping justice and reoffending. Royal Protection Racket officers want GPS ankle bracelets soldered onto desperate wannabes l...
Read full storyProducers Of The Vampire Diaries: There's An Open Door To Twilight Stars
Since the next Twilight movie will probably be the last one, television producers say they will leave the door open for any of the stars of the movie series, should they care to make guest appearances. "I think it would be a good idea, if some of...
Read full storyThe Reality Show "Zimbabwe's Got Talent" Has Been Cancelled
MUTARE, Zimbabwe - Britain's Got Talent is a very popular reality show as is it's sister version across 'The Pond' America's Got Talent. And there are at least 87 other countries throughout the world who have their own version of the "Got Talent"...
Read full storyQueen sends a Buckingham Palace Diary to Hillary Clinton
Buckingham Palace announced today that the Queen has sent a gift of a Commemorative Diary to US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. A spokesperson for The Palace told reporters that the Queen was personally concerned about the deteriorating 'speci...
Read full storyRejoice! Gulf Coast Oil Gusher is "Fountain of Youth"
At Tony Hayward's press conference this morning, no one expected what they were about to hear. Mr. Hayward opened the session by quoting from the Robert Browning poem, "Grow old with me, the best is yet to be." As reporters looked at each other...
Read full storyCannibals prefer Mediterranean Diet
A study by the University of Aldershot led by Mark Lowton has shown that cannibals fed a Mediterranean diet were less likely to suffer coronary disease than those who stuck to their regular diet. Lowton says due to limited funding the study was ma...
Read full storySurvey Of Prostitutes Reveals Arabs Have The Smallest Dicks
We all know it isn't black men. Even though they are the but of jokes, it turns out that it isn't Japanese men. It also isn't tribal pygmies. A survey of prostitutes in fifteen cities around the world reveals that it is Arabic men who have the w...
Read full storyEpsom Derby - Police On Standby
Surrey Constabulary were reported today to be gearing up for a major incident following a massive influx of 'undesirable' types in Epsom and Ewell, thought to be concentrated on Epsom racecourse. Early eyewitness reports indicate that men wearing...
Read full storyChef kept wife's body in freezer for 3 years jailed
Paul Wallner, 34, who battered his wife to death, and then hid her body in a freezer in a shed in his garden for three years, has been jailed for life. He convinced her family that she had died of natural causes and went to extreme lengths to main...
Read full storyNorth Korean Destroyer Fires On The American Aircraft Carrier The USS Condoleezza Rice
SEA OF JAPAN - A North Korean destroyer, The NKS Rice Paddy, has just made a horrible mistake. It fired upon the American Aircraft Carrier The USS Condoleezza Rice. Capt. Addison Roberto McRemington, commander of the Condi Rice stated that before...
Read full storyDerrick Bird - the 'truth'
Breaking news seems to indicate that Derrick Bird (the UK's latest in a long line of distinguished mass murderers) was driven to his shooting rampage not by petty annoyances like a family feud or fear of being hounded by the tax man. Your truth...
Read full storyChristine Bleakley To Join Adrian Chiles At ITV?
The news that Christine Bleakley off The One Show has sacked her agent has led to increasing speculation that the water skiing Irish Colleen will shortly leave Aunty Beeb and mosey on over to ITV, like former co-presenter Adrian Chiles. Chiles him...
Read full storyBritain's Got Talent - Smart Money Goes On Tina And Chandi The Dancing Dog
Officially, acrobatic dance troupe Spellbound are the bookie's favourites to win the big BGT final, with 81 year old Scottish chanteuse Janey Cutler nipping at their heels. But according to our source, the smart money will be going on Tina and her...
Read full storyOMG! Cumbria psycho 'is Queen's secret son'
Windsore - (Bastards Mess): Queen Elizabeth was still in hiding this morning as a DNA test showed deranged Cumbria psychopath Derrick Bird is really her bastard son. Fifty years of spooks' cover-ups, whitewashes and traditional obfuscation have fa...
Read full storyKieren Fallon's Godolphin mount Al Zir 'is Rizla spelled backwards'
Epsom - (Back-in-the-Saddle-Again): "The horse's name means touchpaper in Arabic, haha!" a Godolphin stablehand commented today as the Newmarket yard prepared to win its first ever Epsom Derby. The booking of former champion jockey Kieren Fallon s...
Read full storyMurder Victims Not Always Nice People!
A secret report into the way details of news stories are 'massaged' to alter the public's perception of events, has fallen into the hands of this reporter - and, by Golly, do they make interesting reading! The report, which focuses on the Beeb Bro...
Read full storyQualified Policing Professionals - Wanted in Canada. Job Security Ensured
According to the latest news regarding job opportunities: "Demand for Qualified Policing Professionals According to Job Futures Canada the retirement rate among Policing Careers is higher than average. That means great opportunities for talented new recruits! There is currently a 0% unemployment rate for qualified Police Professionals in this country. As a trained Police Officer you'll be ab...
Read full storyNot before time - no vote if you commit crime!
The governments latest proposal to remove the vote from all time serving criminals is welcomed by most intelligent Britons. However many believe now is the time to take the idea a little further and remove the franchise from all convicted criminals on a permanent basis. Let's face the fact that criminals choose to live outside the rules of decent society and prey upon the law abiding and as su...
Read full storyCorrie postponed again as a result of attack
The headline caught this writer's eye: "Corrie Postponed again as a result of attack". Living in Canada now, we are about 10 months behind in episodes. I panicked! Thinking a cast member had been attacked I couldn't get to the article, on line, quickly enough. I've followed the show since it's very first black and white episode. Yes, I am getting 'on in years'. I have,tucked away in my 'm...
Read full storyAl Gore Dating Susan Sarandon
DES MOINES, Iowa - Former Vice-President Al Gore was in Des Moines, Iowa speaking before a gathering of The Iowa Corn Pickers Alliance. Gore was asked if there was any truth to the rumor that he was dating 70s singer Linda Ronstadt. He replied tha...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Performs On Britain's Got Talent - Says She Is Not A Lesbian
LONDON - Miley Cyrus appeared on one of Great Britain's most popular reality shows Britain's Got Talent. The 17-year-old former star of the Disney Channel's Hannah Montana, showed the viewers that little Hannah has left the building. Cyrus pranced...
Read full storyCelebrity Rehab Put On Hold Until July: Dr. Drew Will have to wait to exploit suffering celebrities
While some taping has taken place for Dr Drew Pinsky's Addict minstrel show Celebrity Rehab, the show has been put on hold. There was activity at the Rehab center, but word came late in the day that the show's taping would not take place until Jul...
Read full storyHeidi Montag, Vanessa Hudgens, and Holly Sampson To Star With Frankie Avalon In His 73rd Beach Movie - "Beach Blanket Viagra"
HOLLYWOOD - Frankie Avalon, a 50s and 60s movie icon, who appeared in almost every single beach movie ever made has just been signed to appear in Beach Blanket Viagra, which will be his 73rd beach movie. Appearing with Avalon will be Heidi Montag,...
Read full storyThe Twilight Saga: Eclipse - Behind The Scenes With Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart
HOLLYWOOD - The stars of the new vampire motion picture, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show, but under the condition that she would not ask them any personal questions about their roman...
Read full storyJennifer Aniston Begs Brad Pitt To Please, Please, Please Leave Angelina Jolie And Return To Her
CABO SAN LUCAS, Mexico - Jennifer Aniston was vacationing in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico when she was asked about her love life by a reporter for The Baja California Mucho Gusto News. Aniston told the reporter identified as Francisco Sausalito, that it...
Read full storyEx-Soldier Duncan Whitehead Jailed For Attack Which Grounded Aircraft
A former Ulster soldier who forced an emergency landing after trying to throttle an air passenger has been jailed for two months. Duncan Whitehead (43), of Dromcose, Enniskillen, had been drinking during the flight from Washington to Heathrow, wh...
Read full storyEllen DeGeneres Has Caused The American Idol Ratings To Go Down Says The Christian TV Committee
DURANGO, Colorado - The Christian TV Committee which oversees hundreds of ratings and rankings on television shows has stated that the reason the musical reality show American Idol has gone down in the ratings is because of the presence of Ellen DeGe...
Read full storyObama accidentally visits Gulf, declines to swim
US President Barack Obama has said it is "way too stupid to be optimistic" as he made an unexpected visit to the oil-hit Gulf of Mexico coast when AirForce 1 was diverted from Boca Raton where Mr Obama had hoped to get in a little swim time. Earl...
Read full storyIdolatry: Simon sacked means show tanks, turns out viewers prefer washed-up singers and vicious crypto-gay bastards over Ellen DeGeneres on any day ending in 'y'
American Idol, American's answer to the War of 1812, is slated for the shute after this season as Simon hits the streets, jobless as the rest of us. This spells disaster for the show, according to Reality TV expert Ivga Fakeboobs of Idol Season 2 fam...
Read full storyA Stroke of Bad Luck for Garry Coleman
Gary Coleman by age 11 had skyrocketed to become TV's brightest little star, though never really could land on solid footing when he died after having sustained a very different kind of stoke to his skull after 'assisted' free-falling down a flight o...
Read full storyPresident Obama Says Arizona Governor Jan Brewer Has Got To Be The Ugliest White Woman In America
WASHINGTON D.C. - President Obama was in the White House State Room meeting with the presidents of the African countries of Zimbabwe, Buffaranda, Botswana, and Lower Zamgola. He was asked if the United States would like to donate some money to hel...
Read full storyThousands Flee Florida In Advance Of Oil Blobs, FEMA Help!
Those who have talked with citizens from New Orleans who were there after Katrina have put all the belongings they can into their cars, U Hauls and anything they can use to escape. It seems that FEMA is getting ready to come to Florida! "Wasn...
Read full storyKristen Stewart Apologizes For Rape Remark
When Kristen Stewart got mad at a group of paparazzi dogging her footsteps and taking pictures of the Twilight star wherever she goes, she apparently told them that she felt as if she were being raped. Bad choice of words. That brought even more r...
Read full storyMinnesota woman masters the Time Warp
In preparation for an upcoming 70s-themed block party, Helena Handbasket, 47, recently began refreshing her memory and working on her moves for the Time Warp, a dance based upon the lyrics to the song by the same name from the 1975 cult film The Rock...
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