Benches That Have Spikes A Pain In The Ass!
A report that park officials in China have found a way to keep people from sitting on their park benches for hours while others stay on their feet has been solved by placing meters by the bench. If a coin isn't placed in after 20-30 minutes, small sp...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Ashes To Ashes third series to be filmed in Cowes
Makers of the detective time traveling drama on BBC1 have decided that filming Ashes To Ashes in London is far too expensive. Finding places that look like the are still in the eighties, or dressing up sites to make them look more eighties-like, is b...
Read full storyLook Out Males, Miley Has Announced Her Split With Liam Hemsworth!
According to the latest Hollywood update, Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth are calling it quits. You know what that means. She's on the prowl once again and will haul you off to daddy's place any day now. Some say she sucks all the juice out of t...
Read full storyPreston proposes to Chantelle again on Ultimate Big Brother
Ordinary Boys singer Samuel Preston has proposed to serial wag Chantelle Houghton for the second time after the couple had been married and divorced. The romantic gesture happened in the final series of Ultimate Big Brother currently screening on...
Read full storyAdam Lambert & Partner Drake LaBry To Marry Within A Few Weeks
The latest on singer Adam Lambert is that he and his on again, off again partner (Pun intended) is that they may become one of the couples to get hitched in San Francisco in the next few weeks, as soon as they can get a ruling. "If it doesn't, we'...
Read full storyKim Kardashian Turns Justin Beiber Into, Sex Slave/Boy Toy
After a recent photo shoot for Elle magazine. Justin Beiber became infatuated with Kim Kardashian's, badonkadonk. Justin just couldn't get over Kim's rear end. It appears he is totally fixated on her butt and can't think of anything else. Kim has...
Read full storyNaked Couple Arrested For Burglary After Filming Themselves Having Sex!
Seattle, Washington police had an easy time identifying a naked couple who broke into a house and filmed themselves having sex, because they left the camera behind. However, just to be on the safe side, the police picked out seven other couples an...
Read full storyJennifer Aniston Condemned For Retard Remark!
Jennifer Aniston is under a major attack from a disability group for using the word "retard" in a TV interview yesterday. Aniston was talking about dressing up as her favorite heroine, Barbra Streisand, for the upcoming issue of Harper's Bazaar on...
Read full storyBarclays Bank In Bonkers Protest
A couple mounting a protest outside a high street bank claim that the British public is being misled by TV advertising. Ken and Liz Bonkers began their protest after a visit to their local Barclay's with an inquiry about the Barclaycard contactles...
Read full storyQueen throws a sickie as baby-brain Camerons head for annual Balmoral bash
Scotland - (Rioters): Sudden terminal ingrowing toenail syndrome has hit the Queen this weekend. Three relentless gaga-googoo days in the company of the PM and family has seen HM sicken for something. Courtiers say it was bad enough when Cherr...
Read full storyUN fears new catastrophe
The way cats have been catapulted into public awareness throughout the world, due to the dastardly act of Mary Bale, when she put lovely Lola in a wheelie bin, is worrying the Police on every continent. Copycat acts of cruelty are feared and rumpu...
Read full storyMore Rain Forecast - Bank Holiday Umbrella Weekend Looming
With a bank holiday weekend looming, the Met Office is forecasting rain, a bit more rain, followed by thundery showers, prolonged spells of wet weather, and then more rain. It will probably feel a bit colder than the seasonal average too. And p...
Read full storySarah Palin Defends Dr. Laura Schlessinger By Telling Her "Don't Retreat - Reload!"
REINDEER NUTS, Alaska - Sarah Palin speaking before members of the wildlife group known as Alaskans For The Stalking, Shooting, Skinning, and Sauteing of Moose was asked what she thought about Dr. Laura Schlessinger's recent racist diatribe and bigot...
Read full storyKim Jong Il back on the dating scene?
North Korea's leader Kim Jong Il was spotted recently on a what looked like a secret date with another notorious dictator and alleged supermodel, Naomi Campbell. The celebrity pair was apparently seen holding hands at Drayton Manor Park, in Tamwor...
Read full story'Liverpool Are Getting Worse, Year By Year' - Jose Mourinho
"You Can't Buy History" stated the flag at the recent Manchester City v Liverpool fixture - which City won 3-0 - but detractors insist that Liverpool have been living on past glories for far longer than most of their most ardent supporters would care...
Read full storyDemocrats and Republicans Unite Against Teabaggers
WASHINGTON, DC - As incumbents from both sides of the isle realize that most Americans despise them, they are now uniting against America's best hope - the TEA-Party. In a joint news conference today, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, Senate Mino...
Read full storyPound to be replaced by the vole
The government is to introduce a new vole-based economic strategy, in an effort to address its flagging popularity. David Cameron told a puzzled press conference: "We have decided to widen the scope of the Big Society by including small rodents. T...
Read full storyScientist Discovers Cooties are Real not Imaginary
A highly respected entomologist in Denmark has been studying the phenomenon of Cooties for decades and has finally ascertained that the little critters actually exist and claims he can prove it. Dr. Sven Uppenyoursen used his own grandchildren as...
Read full storyDeal or No Deal becomes government policy
George Osborne has announced a new direction for the government's economic policy. Hardly able to talk through his tears, he told a hushed press conference today: "It's no use - nothing we do works, and everyone criticises us." "I talk to the best...
Read full storyMan's Joy At GCSE Results
A Manchester man awoke yesterday to the life changing news that he had achieved a whopping 10 A stars in his GCSE results. Binman, Stu Dent, 39, from Salford now plans to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a neuro surgeon. Mr Dent said "I le...
Read full storyKeith Olbermann Announces 174th Day of Mind-Numbing Ordinariness in Columbus, Ohio
As every viewer of the Keith Olbermann show knows, at the very end of his show, he makes a point of counting down the days from when Bush declared "Mission Accomplished" in Iraq, the beginning of the Iraq war, and more recently, the day of the oil ri...
Read full storyCheryl Cole invited to join government
Cheryl Cole is set to add another string to her impressive bow as she enters the government as Minister for Celebrity. A spokesperson for the government said: "We decided to create the Ministry for Celebrity as we realised that we needed a departm...
Read full storySexy Singer Kylie Minogue Wins Over The America's Got Talent Audience
HOLLYWOOD - As America's Got Talent Host Nick "The Pogo Stick" Cannon watched from off stage he knew that the Australian singing guest Kylie Minogue would be a hit. And judging from the reaction of the studio audience as well as from the three jud...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Horse Movement Restriction Lifted
The Horse Movement Restriction put in place in July due to the outbreak of Horse Immunoglobulin Virus has been lifted. The Council of the Isle of Wight have decreed that the outbreak has been contained, and is now only affecting horses in the sout...
Read full storyGrubby Arthur Scargill Sacked by National Union of Mineworkers
In what must surely be a humiliating blow, slapheaded communist, Arthur Scargill, has been sacked by his own union - the National Union of Mineworkers. Thanks to his failed leadership during the 80's miners strikes, fatcat hands-in-the-till Scargi...
Read full storyArrest of fugitive Albanian spook chief 'unconnected' to murdered MI6 man Williams: report
London - (Spysnatcher news): Ilir Kumbaro was arrested today on an extradition warrant for the kidnap and torture of three men in Tirana. The ex-Albanian intelligence service CEO had been hiding out in a Fulham council flat after successfully evad...
Read full storyCrap happy Jappy chappy in sassy Brit bashing trashtalk happening
The "Shadow Shogun" has been shooting off at the mouth in an attempt to get some publicity ahead of his bid to become Japan's leader. The loony ex lefty spouted a stream of nonsensical non sequiturs that were so apropos of nothing that they appea...
Read full storyKerry Katona Kalls Time On Celeb Life
PR and personal management gurus and magazine editors were panicking last night following the news that pain-in-the-arse Z-list sleb Kerry Katona was retiring from public life. They fear that the former Atomic Kitten's shock decision may influence...
Read full storyChilean Miners stuck for four months demand overtime
The Chilean miners trapped after a mine collapsed on them have today demanded overtime at double the normal rate of pay. Trapped miner and Union leader Mr Juan Diagio said "We normally work nine to five thirty Monday to Friday with an hour off for...
Read full storyBreast Insurance: It's For You
This is going to sound strange, and in fact I can hardly bring myself to say it, but I just got my breasts insured. Okay, I said it was going to sound strange, but before you think I'm a nut, let me tell you what happened. So, I was having a meeting with an insurance agent-look, I'm getting up there in age, and I gotta start thinking about stuff like this-and he said, "You know, many wo...
Read full storyThe Bill Reprieved! Moves To Hog Jaw As Latest CSI.
Fans of doomed Brit cop show The Bill were celebrating last night following the announcement that it had been reprieved. Its new home will be Hog Jaw, Arkansas, USA. The ITV show, about the hard-pressed cops at Sun Hill nick in London, was set...
Read full storyNext Japanese PM says "Brits are not nice, but OK as Prisoners of War"
Ichiro Ozawa, the former secretary-general of Japan's ruling Democratic Party, also said he values US democracy but dismissed the American people as "simple-minded" He especially hates their television programs, like the Simpson's and has called...
Read full storyTV's Alice Roberts Keeps Clothes On!
Thinking man's TV crumpet Alice Roberts is facing a viewers' backlash over her new archaeology show. In the show, Digging for Britain, Dr Roberts visits archaeological sites around Britain and discusses the historical facts they reveal. But vie...
Read full storyIndians sore at losing Ms Universe Title
Indian Human Resource Development Minister Kapil Syllable is likely to face bricbats and catcalls from the Indian Opposition when Parliament reconvenes tomorrow. The nation is agitated that their hopeful to the Miss Universe Contest, a lady from Beng...
Read full storyGary Barlow And Robbie Williams Together Again - 'Not Worth The Wait' Say Fans
The much awaited single release by Gary Barlow and Robbie Williams - a sort of Brokeback Mountain, man-love buddy-buddy homage to something or other was greeted this morning by overwhelming indifference by fans. "Not really worth the wait," one fa...
Read full storyElin Nordegren Blames Harry Potter For Tiger Woods Divorce
Speaking exclusively to Hollywood Masters magazine, Elin Nordegren today denied that she was ever aware of her husband's indiscretions during their time together, but blamed the golf star's indiscretions on his Magic Wand. A source told us that Ti...
Read full storySpurs Brush Young Boys Aside In Favour Of Bigger Boys
Champions League - White Hart Lane - On a wet Wednesday night there was jubilation in Tottingham as Spurs became the third London club to reach the Champions League group stages, although a side from the capital is yet to win the coveted trophy. S...
Read full storyPet Fashion Week in NYC Turns Chaotic, Dogs Protest
The Metropolitan Pavilion in Manhattan was the scene of a protest yesterday as a group of dogs barked, ran around, and refused to continue to participate in the various activities of Pet Fashion Week. Disgusted owners, frustrated spectators, and furi...
Read full storyAxed Shirlena To Return To X-Factor Singing 'Crazy For You'?
Axed X-Factor contestant Shirlena Johnson 30, should be allowed to return to the show singing something appropriately wacky, such as 'Crazy For You' by Madonna, or 'Crazy' by Patsy Chuppatti. So says Skoob News showbiz correspondent, Buffty Ginsli...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus' Shocking Confession: She Has Dumped Her Boyfriend Liam Hemsworth
HOLLYWOOD - Miley Cyrus has confirmed reports that she has in fact dumped her Australian boyfriend Liam Hemsworth. The two first met on the set of the motion picture, The Last Song back in June of 2009. They quickly fell in love and became quite a...
Read full storyThinning The Herd: The Joaquin Medina Story
Thank the good Lord for His wisdom: Whenever the collective intelligence of a particular herd drops perilously low, Nature will find a way to thin the herd, ensuring its survival. Such was the case of California ranch worker Joaquin Medina, 28, wh...
Read full storyOmaha Man Believed to Be Last Demographic Hold-Out
Marketers and researchers scratched their heads again this week as the most intensive efforts yet to profile an Omaha, Nebraska man once again proved futile. Roger Talmack, 33, a resident from Mason St. in Morton Meadows, is now believed to be the...
Read full storyUS Navy's Newest Headache: Terror Infant-ry
(UPIS) The oceanic divisions of the United States Armed Forces-the Navy, Marines, Coast Guard, and Seals (both Regular and Elephant)-could be facing a brand-new threat: killer anchor babies. The State Department today issued a warning detailing th...
Read full story"Cat Binning" becomes craze
Police are becoming concerned that a new craze called, "Cat Binning" is sweeping the nation's council estates. Participants in the craze, inspired by Coventry maniac- Mary Bale, walk their neighbourhood searching for cats to drop into bins. The c...
Read full storyCatwoman To Deal With Cat Woman
Catwoman, the fictional character associated with DC Comics' Batman franchise, has said she is "appalled" by the behaviour of the woman who dumped a cat in a wheelie bin, and intends to "deal with her personally." The woman who threw the cat into...
Read full storyCat Woman Mary Bale Inundated With Job Offers
Mary Bale, the woman who dumped a cat in a wheelie bin near her home in Coventry earlier this week, claims she has been inundated with job offers from people who feel they can no longer look after their feline companions. Bale, 45, claimed she slu...
Read full storyCat Woman Mary Bale "Sorry" For Mistake
Mary Bale, the evil, 45-year-old woman who threw a cat into a wheelie bin in Coventry this week, has admitted she made a monumental mistake in doing so, and says she will be a damned sight more careful next time. She told me: "It was a monument...
Read full storyHog Jaw's Newest Billionaire Interviewed
Little Rock AR: Fox News Channel reporter Bill O'Reilly held a short interview with Warren Smorgasbord, the newest and youngest, US billionaire at his offices overlooking the Arkansas River in this southern city. The overarching question was how did...
Read full storyCat Bin Woman To Face Prosecution From City Council For Putting Cat In Wrong Bin?
Mary Bale, the evil woman who dumped a cat into a wheelie bin earlier this week, is now to face prosecution from the city council for disposing of the pesky moggy into the wrong-coloured bin. The cat, Lola, was thrown into a green bin, which, acco...
Read full storyUS military begins Operation Buckshot Yankee
US Defense officials have launched "Operation Buckshot Yankee" to replace dangerous USB drives with harmless 3.5" floppy disks. Air Force cargo planes that once flew in Operation Iraqi Freedom, now deliver emergency supplies of floppy disks to air...
Read full story