Omaha Man Believed to Be Last Demographic Hold-Out

Funny story written by Revisorius

Thursday, 26 August 2010


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Omaha Man Believed to Be Last Demographic Hold-Out
Talmack likes blush wines and McRib Sandwiches. WTF?

Marketers and researchers scratched their heads again this week as the most intensive efforts yet to profile an Omaha, Nebraska man once again proved futile.

Roger Talmack, 33, a resident from Mason St. in Morton Meadows, is now believed to be the only person in the developed world to have completely defied demographic categorization. And though the results of one man's profile would normally be considered negligible, some industry analysts believe Talmack could yield some sort of Holy Grail of data as a "Nowhere Man" who somehow represents every man.

"I just likes what I likes," said Talmack, slurping down a melted pint of Ben & Jerry's Fat Free Cherry Garcia Frozen Yogurt while swinging his size 13 pink Converse shoes over the edge of his front porch. "I'm not hidin' nothin'."

Indeed, Talmack routinely provides researchers with more data than they can process. But the more they find out the less they seem to know, leading to what some have dubbed "The Talmack Enigma."

"He likes 'Deadwood' and Katy Perry, 'Shit My Dad Says' and The Trinity Network," said Linda Marsh, a chief consultant at Ohio-based marketing research company Facillo, Marlowe & Mertz. "He loves Sarah Palin, Mexicans and chocolate chips. Who the hell is this guy?"

Though Talmack has refused to accept money for his participation in this potentially indispensable research, free samples of everything from Donald Duck orange juice to Makita miter saws have begun arriving at his door every day. In the past four weeks he's sold what he hasn't used or given to his mother for $3,600, almost three times what he makes as a dishwasher at Gerta's German Restaurant and Bakery.

"Jå," he says with a laugh. "I can't keep up with it, but there's still a few things I haven't tried yet. Those Tyson Anytizers. Showtime at Night. Maybe an electric blue Chevrolet Spark?"

Analysts are hesitant to predict what kind of a factor an official endorsement from Talmack might have on product sales. But while his situation is certainly unique, it's unlikely Hollywood is going to come knocking on his door for the rights to his life story any time soon.

"We like to have a good idea of who our audience is going to be," shared a top level studio executive who asked not to be quoted. "With Talmack, the audience could be everybody. But it could just as easily be absolutely nobody."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more