Written by Olive Pepper

Thursday, 26 August 2010


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image for Breast Insurance: It's For You
Valuable assets to be covered sufficiently

This is going to sound strange, and in fact I can hardly bring myself to say it, but I just got my breasts insured. Okay, I said it was going to sound strange, but before you think I'm a nut, let me tell you what happened.

So, I was having a meeting with an insurance agent-look, I'm getting up there in age, and I gotta start thinking about stuff like this-and he said, "You know, many women are starting to have their, you know, breasts insured. And it's something you might consider, because for very little additional premium, you can have a rider attached to your policy to protect, uh, those assets."

Well, I felt kind of bad for the guy. I mean, it's not the easiest thing in the world to talk about and you could tell he was really embarrassed. So, I asked him to tell me more, and he explained that when you're young, you just kind of assume that your breasts will remain firm until, you know, you have a kid or something, because then the kid starts sucking on them for, like, milk and stuff and then they just start sagging (the breasts, not he babies). But what he said was, they start sagging a lot sooner than that if you're not careful because, you know, your boyfriends are, like, sucking on them, too, and sometimes they manhandle them-just your usual roughhousing.

Even just your basic fondling, I learned, can lead to a weakening of the muscles that keep your breasts round and toned. Apparently that's the case.

So, this conversation kind of went on and a lot of what he said made sense. I mean, if you think about it, your breasts do get beat up quite a bit well before you have a baby. Think about when you have sex with your boyfriend when you're drunk. Don't you do a lot of stuff you don't ordinarily do? They get kind of batted around, sometimes on purpose and sometimes on accident. I'm just saying that in the normal course of events, things happen and, especially when you've been drinking heavily, you might not even remember the next day all the beatings they took.

Or what if you ever got raped, God forbid. Say you're out jogging in the park or something and there's a creep in the bushes. Naturally you're going to try to run away-hey, hard running like that when you're not prepared for it can really put a lot of stress on your breast muscles, even if you're wearing a sports bra because it's a different kind of running-but then you have the attack itself, which, as i said, God forbid. You know how much easier it is to hurt yourself when you're experiencing high levels of stress. I mean, its common knowledge that when you're really tense you're more prone to muscle strains and other injuries.

But it's just too awful to think about, which was exactly his point: we don't like to think about these things, so we don't prepare for them, at least financially. And his point was just that, if you buy the insurance, you can just forget about such awful things, at least from a financial standpoint, and just go on with your life. That opens up space to prepare for those terrible things in other ways, maybe by not running in parks at night and so on.

Or think about parties. Not to go on again about getting drunk and stuff, but sometimes, especially when you're at a Central American beach resort on spring break or something, the possibility of having multiple partners at one time becomes real. So, there you are and there's, like, three guys on you. Without getting into whether you're going to be happy with this scenario after the fact, it's the case that your breasts take a real beating. Think about it: you have one guy who likes to suck and another guy who likes to grab. Or you might have a guy that's into some kinky things, like putting rubber bands or something around them. I mean, I've seen some weird stuff, although nothing with rubber bands has ever happened to me.

But the point is, what's the long-term impact of that on your breasts? I mean, I don't pretend to be an expert after just one conversation about it with my insurance broker, but I can tell you that there's some long-term damage after an encounter like that.

In any case, to make a long story short, I bought the policy and I'm glad I did. Now, if anything happens to my breasts, or if they start sagging prematurely and have a negative effect on my ability to attract a husband, I can file a claim and be protected financially. All I can say is, it makes a lot of sense.

Of course, the underwriting process is a little uncomfortable. You have to take your top off and even your bra because that's the way the underwriting process works. They have to know the state of your breasts now so that, if you make a future claim, they can compare your breasts at that point with how they are now. So, I did all that and he was very precise in his evaluation of them (you could tell he really liked them actually! ). He took a couple of pictures from different angles, felt them with his hands to gauge their roundness, and estimated their weight. He also gave them a thorough visual inspection to note any unique physical characteristics. The whole thing just took about half an hour. And all I have to do is come back in a year so he can update the assessment. You see, he has to keep updating the assessment so if a claim is filed, the claims examiner can evaluate my breasts to see how they differ from the latest assessment. I mean, it makes perfect sense, and it also helps explain why the guy had all these pictures of breasts in his desk drawers. At first I thought he might be a pervert or something, but now I fully understand what's going on.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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