Champions League - White Hart Lane - On a wet Wednesday night there was jubilation in Tottingham as Spurs became the third London club to reach the Champions League group stages, although a side from the capital is yet to win the coveted trophy.
Spurs gave the Young Boys of Berne a proper 4-0 spanking at the Lane and are now looking forward to spanking the big boys of Madrid, Milan, Barcelona and Manchester - providing they don't get knocked out by one of the smaller 'big boys' such as Rapid Vienna, or Fortuna Dusseldorf, or Maccabi Haifa, or some such.
Top cockerels for the cocks were Jermaine Defoe with a blatant handball and hat-trick hero, Peter Crouch, who Crouched to head in the opener, without managing to lose his shorts in the process.
'Appy 'Arry was ecstatic in the stands as the glory days returned to the Lane, where they have been sorely missed in recent decades.
Peter Crouch was reportedly 'delighted' by the prospect of visiting Europe's premier fanny-magnet cities, such as Madrid (again - but don't mention Monica Mint) Moscow, Paris, and Milan.
Abbey Clancy wouldn't comment as she was apparently out shopping in search of an electronic cattle prod.
More as we get it.