Life Begins at Forty
They say that life begins at forty. Does anyone know who 'they' are? And more (or less) to the point, what happens before you reach forty, according to 'them'. Last weekend, I was in Wells market. I am not forty yet, so how was this possible? Wells, for those of you who don't know, is England's smallest city. A beautiful place with it's fair share of old people and the best olives and sun...
Read full storyRussians Unveil New Plans For Single World Currency
Russian Prime Minister Dumie Putininchargev has revealed plans for a single world currency. Russia wish to move away from having everything backed by the dollar. Instead the potato will now be the shared economy of the world. This is excellent new...
Read full storyBenny Hill's Ghost Stages Protest To Bring Back Silly Chases
Dead comedian Benny Hill has staged a one-man protest outside his local politician's office in order to demand that silly chase sequences be reintroduced. The naughty funny man - who has been a regular spiritual presence in the locality since the...
Read full storyCIA Lied - Congress to Compensate Injured Parties
(WASHINGTON D.C.) - Director of the CIA, Leon Panetta has confessed that the CIA has lied, and routinely lies, to Congress. While Nancy Pelosi has received the most attention as a victim of the agency's vicious nature, other international figures hav...
Read full storyAnn Coulter Visits Jacko's Grave
LOS ANGELES, CA - Ann Coulter decided to take a break from her long-running comedy tour of the Republican circuit after the dismal failure of her most recent book, Polemics: Getting Medieval on Liberals, and she used some of that time to visit the gr...
Read full storyLevi Johnston interested in running for Governor of Alaska following Sarah Palin pullout
ICANSEERUSSIA-ALASKA: After fathering Sarah Palin's grandchild Levi Johnston says he was dumped because he didn't fit in. Now the unemployed, wannabe actor says he's interested in taking a shot at the Alaska Governor position. Levi told journali...
Read full storyKissing Men Removed From Taco Stand
A group of openly gay men were removed from an El Paso, Texas taco restaurant after two of them were seen making out at one of the tables. Security guards removed the whole group and city police officers sided with the restaurant, saying that they h...
Read full storyBe Gneiss and Don't Take Friendships for Granite
The Geology teacher at my wife's school recently moved with her family to a different part of the country. My wife wanted to send her away with a good-bye letter. Naturally, we can't do things normally in our family. We've learned that the teacher plans to frame this letter and loved it. If you hate puns, you are in for a real groaner here (remember, I said that the woman was a geology tea...
Read full storyAl Franken sworn in as new Senator of Minnesota
St Paul - Al Franken, a former Saturday Night Live comedian and author of several books, including "Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot", was sworn in as the new Senator of Minnesota this week. Mr. Franken was originally announced as the winner of...
Read full storyPope Admits To Being Father of Michael Jackson Children
Bowing to pressure from The College of Cardinals, Pope Benedict admitted from Vatican City that he is the actual father of the Michael Jackson children. "Look at them," said the Pontiff. "They are as white as me. There's no Jackson blood in those...
Read full storyPolar Bears Threatened by Joe Pesci
New York - Actor Joe Pesci was whisked away by police today at the Bronx Zoo while overhead making threats against the polar bears. I don't know but I there I was minding my own business eating an ice cream cone with my nephew Joey when we was wa...
Read full storyObama Realizes "Think System" Won't Work on Economy
Barack Obama, Premier of the Socialist States of America, has finally come to the realization that the "Think System" will not work to fix the Nation's or World's economic problems. The system, as originally invented by Professor Harold Hill (Gary,...
Read full storyNOW Wants Wienermobile Buried With Oscar Mayer Too?
Washington, D.C. - Today the National Organization of Women (NOW) joined forces with the organization of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) in voicing their dissension, demanding that the Wienermobile be laid to rest with Oscar G.
Read full storyPresident Obama In Butt-Gait
In Italy Friday, someone snapped US President Obama taking a quick look, checking out of a young lady's butt as she happened to pass by, climbing up some steps as he passed down them. In the photo, French President Nicolas Sarkozy was looking on i...
Read full storySenator Erupts over Corn Silo Phallic Mistake
Atlanta Ga. Jim Dickerson has attended the Georgia state fair for more than forty years. In that time he says he has seen everyone from Hank Williams Sr. singing "Your Cheatin Heart" to Kelly Clarkson performing on stage. But Mr. Dickerson says he w...
Read full storyCult of Jesus Budda Now Chamone's Personality Cult
The infamous Cult of Jesus Budda, led by the mysterious floating fat man, has officially been disolved (at least for now). No tax deductible contributions will be refunded (even though they are still being accepted) and promised merchandise will not...
Read full storyBargis Tryhol Agent 004: Let the real fun begin!
"OK, OK, QT, we've penetrated but are we being tracked, Blowme-job is an artful dodger I,m sure he'll be busy shagging groupies, no, maybe our chance is to slip one over and join the mother fucker!" "Why the hell are we here anyway, QT?" Bargis gleefully giggled with a chidish, slightly mocking grin. "Keep focused, no horny diversions, just exterminate Blowme-job, keep him from acting out hi...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson Encouraged To Stay With Twilight Series By Jonathon Frid Of Dark Shadows
Robert Pattinson, who recently startled fans by saying he may not go on with the Twilight series of movies because it would typecast him as "The Vampire Cullen" has been advised by someone who should know, actor Jonathon Frid. To those of you too...
Read full storyLocal Funny-Looking Cat Befriends Mice after hearing Michael Jackson song
A Yorkshire woman's cat has amazed bored locals by befriending two mice down at the local church hall. Pudsley the cat's owner, Mrs. Emily Worboise, 82, said that the animals have known each other for several years but, until recently, they had ne...
Read full storyExact fall-out from 'Chamone-gate' still Unknown
Contributors to the comedy website theSpoof.com are still trying to come to terms with the discovery that one of their brightest and most brilliant writers was just that weird fat fucker Jesus Budda in disguise. Several of the male members (and in...
Read full storyPorn R Us
Toy manufacturer and retailer Toys IS We announced today that they were diversifying into the adult market. "The recession has hit us really hard" said chief executive Dick Phillpot. "I had to decide to make a go of it. It was backs against the w...
Read full storyMy Dirty Secret -The Chamone Story
It was the story that rocked the very core of TheSpoof.com and had everybody talking. It was the biggest mystery since Dr. Edward Maxwell's mischievous adventures and featured sex, yearning and lots of pouting. Chamone/Ally touched the world's hearts and minds and lived the spoof dream of fame and glory. As she rose through the rankings she somehow proved that spoofing is not just a male-domina...
Read full storyMax Clifford Tapped his own Phone so that he could Sell Stories to the News of the World
Asshole publicist Max Clifford has described as 'shocking' and 'obscene' the news that he had been the subject of phone tapping of his private calls. The silver-haired cocksucker said he actually went to the bother of taping his own conversations...
Read full storyMix up, as Man with a Radio Face end up on Television
A hideously ugly radio DJ was mistakenly hired to present a daytime chat show. Thomas 'DJ Tommo' Thomas, 46, from Bournemouth was supposed to be one of those 'seen but not heard' type presenters but a mix-up with the rosters at the BBC meant that...
Read full storyCanadian PM Stephen Harper meets Pope - once again pockets Communion wafer! Experts are calling it "Jesus-in-my-pocket "syndrome
L'ACQUILA, ITALY: Canadians are beginning to wonder whether their PM Stephen "Steve" Harper is a closet "communion-klepto". The so-called committed Protestant keeps barging his way forward at Catholic Mass, pushes his way to the front of the Communi...
Read full storyFlash: Sarah Palin cashes in. Monkeys Pass on McDonald's. Healthcare in a Congressional Coma.
(New York-NY) "The New York Times" published an editor's note this week stating pictures used in the paper's Sunday Magazine photo essay were digitally manipulated. The pictorial was shot by Portuguese photographer Edgar Martins, and called "Ruins o...
Read full storyToilet Paper, New Ad Medium
(AP)-St.Louis, MO: You'll soon have more reading in the bathroom the than a pile of magazines or the newspaper, thanks to a St. Louis based advertising guru. Cyrus Little, CEO of Little, Hope Worldwide announced his international firm will begin sell...
Read full storyObama in economic crisis summit with Pope 'Joe the Plumber' Ratzinger
Rome - (God's Banker Mess): President Obama held economic crisis talks with the Pope today before being granted a private audience at the Vatican's secret entombment of Michael Jackson's remains under the Sistine Chapel. The singer's body had been...
Read full storyBritney: From Now On, I'm Fighting Reporter's Shit With Shit!
Britney has taken some time off "Circus" for a break and gone on a diet that purges EVERYTHING out of her system and, not unlike Oprah, the singer began describing about her flushing toxins from her systems in an "amazing" two week and a half detox p...
Read full storyJackson: it was murder
Los Angeles - (Rotters): "No wonder the goddam body's missing and the hardly bigger than a microdot 'brain' has been sent to Pentagon missing persons' forensics!" That was the gist of Michael Jackson's ex-publicist's statement today following the...
Read full storySen. Al Franken pitches SNL idea to Lorne Michaels, hoping to reprise his old role on the show
New York, New York - Longing to return to SNL to celebrate his triumph at being the first former comedy writer and cast member to ever be elected to the United States Senate and finally seated there, now Senator Al Franken made a call to the show's c...
Read full storyMan Loses Chapstick, Reports "Lips Drier Than Normal."
Little Rock, AR-Corey Janisko, a phone operator for a small software development company in Sherwood, Arkansas reported to police on Thursday that he has lost his tube of ChapStick brand lip balm. "I don't think it was stolen, I mean, I would hope...
Read full storyThe main cause of global warming
Al Gore has been having meetings with scientists who have come up with the sensational theory that the main cause of Global Warming is the heat coming from fish and chip shops worldwide. Scientists have used specialist equipment to take readings...
Read full storySilvio Berlusconi is Carla Bruni's father
L'Aquila - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Another massive Opus Dei whopper was laid bare today with the news that sordid Italian mobster PM Silvio Berlusconi is Carla Bruni-Sarkozy's biological father. An FBI paper trail found millions of $$$s from B...
Read full storyGaddafi To Meet Gordon Brown
Colonel Gaddafi is to meet controversial British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown. The Libyan leader is expected to discuss the possible release of millions of Britons, who are suffering in the economic prison constructed by Brown and his henchman Alista...
Read full storyWoman With World's Largest Vagina to Speak at Oscar Mayer Funeral
MADISON, WI - The woman with the world's largest vagina has cancelled several performances of her wildly successful "World's Largest Vagina Monologues" to honor her dearly departed friend, Oscar G. Mayer. Mayer is perhaps known best for being able...
Read full story"Well Hello! Miss Chips!"
An end of term video should be the opportunity for pupils to look back on the academic year and recall favourite memories. But an incident at St Pimple's has cast a shadow over such a video. Home economics teacher Miss Chips, 21, included a scene whe...
Read full storyCharles launches ultimate boiler room scam
London - (Ponzi Scam Mess): Buoyed by a successful apprenticeship at the Bernard Madoff school of investment strategies the Pretender to the Throne has launched his own signature boiler room scam with the full blessing of the UK government. The In...
Read full storyCrystal Defanti Loses Sex Toys on School Bus
SACRAMENTO, CA - Parents of Isabelle Jackson Elementary school students were shocked today to find "an assortment of sexual enhancement devices" had been distributed to their children, according to the school's superintendent, Ima Soughtie. "I can...
Read full storyMayora Tavares, 16, Arouses Barack Obama's 'Gigante Addormentato'
Aquila, Italy - A 16 year old Brazilian girl, Mayora Tavares, has caused a 'scandalo sensazionale' by catching the roving eye of the most powerful man in the world, Barack Obama. The perky breasted, fulsome bottomed femme fatale had been looking for...
Read full storyDust Man Chapter 3: Revenge of Dr XS
The dust cart slipped into gear. Steve Kitchen was at the wheel. He'd worked this round for over 25 years. He knew every cobble. No, really. He had names for them. Charlie Patel sat next to him. There was a far away look in his eyes. He was dreaming of his past glories. He had been a successful businessman. His recycling business was once the talk of West Cheam. He had it all-the Bentley, the yach...
Read full storySame Sex Partners to Rally Against "2001: A Computer Program"
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The U. S. Census Bureau faces challenges due to six states that have begun allowing same-sex marriages in the years since the last census, say bureau officials. "Our primitive little computer programs have unfortunately not 'evo...
Read full storyBenitez Slams Cash Obsessed City
Rafa Benitez, manager of Liverpool, slammed Manchester City as being "cash obsessed". Speaking at a press conference called to unveil his new budget signing, £17 million Glen Johnson, Benitez said "I've tried to sign lots of players, but manchester C...
Read full storyThose Phone Tapping Converstions In Full
Today only I can reveal those telephone conversations in full. Yes, the conversations the celebrities didn't want you to hear. 1. John Prescott. "Hello, Luigi? I want to order a delivery please. I'd like a super large meat feast with extra everyth...
Read full storyPrincess of Pop Shocker Stuns Press
LOS ANGELES, CA - No one has heard much from Paris Jackson over the years, shrouded from public view by her reclusive, over-protective father Michael, sometimes literally, forced to drape cloth over her face on the few occasions she was seen in publi...
Read full storyNude Statue at Jackson Memorial Raises Eyebrows, Hackles
LOS ANGELES, CA - The fountain installed at deceased pop icon Michael Jackson's gravesite has many outraged, saying a life-size statue of the King of Pop on display at the site is "highly inappropriate" and "tasteless." The statue, carved from mar...
Read full storyDIY Murder Toll Rises
Edinburgh, Scotland and/or UK - Store staff at IKEHYA in Edinburgh were shocked to discover another murder victim yesterday, the third in the store in as many months. The 32-year-old man had been beaten, kicked and bitten, attacked with DIY tools, an...
Read full storyAl Franken's Arrival Prompts Senate Bible Story Reenactment
WASHINGTON, D.C. - And it came to pass today that President Barack Obama entered the Senate Chamber, and two great men did come and stand before him, Senate Majority Leader, Democrat Harry Reid and Senate Minority Leader, Republican Mitch McConnell,...
Read full storyOutcry At Plans To Rename Railway Station
The plan to rename a famous railway station has met with outcry. It had been announced that Tony Blair Station was to be returned to it's original name. Thatcher Central. The move has sparked protests from diehard members of the Labourist party who s...
Read full storyBNP Admit "We Were Wrong. Foreigners Are Not That Bad"
The British Numpty Party has announced that it is to disband following the discovery that some foreigners are actually quite nice. Party leader and MEP Dick Sniffin said "I arrived in Europe with a very aggressive and insular attitude. I hated everyo...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Will Make Cameo On "Wizards of Waverly Place"
Miley Cyrus is set to appear on the forthcoming season of the series, Wizards of Waverly Place, which stars Selena Gomez, one of Cyrus' long-time rivals. Producers are currently discussing Miley's role with Miley's dad, Billy Ray Cyrus, who says h...
Read full storyMajor Antonius Julius Argus Xerxes Part-9
He sighted a parked truck along the road. Although he was sure there was no traffic, he decided to act cautiously in order to capture the driver and his help, if any. Through the binocular, he found only one man, sleeping. He parked the jeep behind a small mould, and both, he and Captain quietly approached the truck. After checking the cargo compartment and making sure no one was inside, he crep...
Read full storyEnsign Story Cuntinues:The Douglas Hampton Pimping Inc Sparks Profits for Republican Spouses
Are you the husband or wife of a Republican? Based on recent demographic studies it is likely that your spouse while pandering to the religious right is fucking someone else like a died in the wool leftwinger! If you are really Republican you probabl...
Read full storyEnsign Family Checking Account Outed
Nevada Republican Senator John Ensign has made big news since his ensign stood at attention for a married campaign worker for about eighteen months( a new record for a Christian conservative penis on viagra). But apparently that was only the foreplay...
Read full storyMichael Jacksonville , a Pervert Retirement Tent City
Jacksonville was once only a boring below average Floridian sorta cityscape on the atlantic. But now that stricy laws have been established to keep convicted sex offenders away from other kinds of offenders, a new Jacksonville has risen up in the for...
Read full storyLadies Day at the Vatican
Pope Benedict XVI was in his glory, hosting a Vatican get-together for the spouses of the G8 summit members. All in all, it was a fairly tame event. Italian party planners at the Vatican had suggested that mud wrestling and/or a wet T-shirt co...
Read full storyFormer French President Sues US Government for Louisiana Territory
New Orleans LA: The ACLU has brought a suit here in federal district court, claiming US President Thomas Jefferson's purchase of the Louisiana Territory from France in 1803 was unconstitutional. The ACLU is representing former French President Jacque...
Read full storyJamie Waylett to Star in Hairy Potthead Spoof Series
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - J. K. Rowling-Paper has signed a deal with the San Francisco Onion to produce a series of seven spoofs loosely based on her best-selling Hairy Potthead novels starring Jamie Waylett. Fresh from an arrest for marijuana possessio...
Read full storyMichael Jackson Estate Sues City Of Los Angeles For Wrongful Death
Los Angeles, CA - The estate of Michael Jackson on behalf of the late entertainer, Michael Jackson, 'The King Of Pop', has filed a lawsuit against the City of Los Angeles for wrongful death. The suit is believed to be for approximately $3 billion and...
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