Ann Coulter Visits Jacko's Grave

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Friday, 10 July 2009

image for Ann Coulter Visits Jacko's Grave
Despite being on best behavior, Coulter nevertheless managed to scare away several crows near site.

LOS ANGELES, CA - Ann Coulter decided to take a break from her long-running comedy tour of the Republican circuit after the dismal failure of her most recent book, Polemics: Getting Medieval on Liberals, and she used some of that time to visit the grave of Michael Jackson who, to everyone's complete surprise, turned out to be a mere mortal after all.

Best known for being a complete c**t, the right-wing rabble-rouser showed a softer side today, placing at the deceased pop icon's grave a lovely bouquet of atropa belladonna, a deadly poisonous nightshade with bell-shaped purple flowers and small black berries symbolizing death, deception and danger, which everyone agreed was "a quite lovely gesture," at least compared to her usual behavior.

Visitors say she was especially fond of the Michael Jackson memorial fountain that can be seen near the grave, with its 6' likeness of the King of Pop, endlessly pissing into a shallow pool as he stands on one leg, arms outstretched, naked save for a single glove and an unbuttoned shirt that's billowing behind him as though he's about to take flight.

She paused briefly to inspect the marble statue more closely, admiring it's silky-smooth, milky-white skin as she lightly ran the tips of her fingers up and down the back of one of its thighs. Facing the statue, she started to kneel slowly as her other hand went instinctively for the statue's right nipple, then she quickly snapped back to a standing position, nervously scanning the grounds in all directions, shading her eyes with her hand, according to one witness.

Coulter was also briefly seen pop-locking and doing the robot at the site; she later admitted she used to be a Michael Jackson impersonator for a brief period before she began to focus her comedy act more on politics.

"Hey," said the Queen of Mean, "you didn't think Jacko was the only skinny white chick that can do those moves, did you?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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