Princess of Pop Shocker Stuns Press

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Friday, 10 July 2009

image for Princess of Pop Shocker Stuns Press
Part of the "world's bestest playground," according to Jackson's daughter, 11.

LOS ANGELES, CA - No one has heard much from Paris Jackson over the years, shrouded from public view by her reclusive, over-protective father Michael, sometimes literally, forced to drape cloth over her face on the few occasions she was seen in public.

Breaking an 11-year silence at the King of Pop's memorial services, Jackson touched the world last night with her tearful words, causing millions pause as they tried to reconcile the grief-stricken girl's portrayal of a loving father figure with their image of him as a pedophile.

Emboldened by the audience's response and the support of family members, the precocious 11-year old finally spoke up about media allegations concerning her father.

Outside the Liquid Paper Center in Los Angeles after the memorial services, she addressed a waiting throng of photographers and reporters who jostled violently with one another for space, telling them they "ought to be ashamed" of themselves for contributing to the death of her father.

"My daddy's in the Guinness book of world records for supporting 39 charities!" she shouted tearfully, turning from one camera to the next. "He built the world's biggest, bestest playground for me and all my friends! What did you ever do? You're just jealous, that's all. You told lies and twisted everything around to sell your stupid news and get rich and famous, too! But you'll never be as good as my daddy - he was the best father ever!"

Jackson went on to explain that she's been surfing the Internet at her school, indicating that she's found lots of information proving the media have treated her father unfairly.

For example, she said she "couldn't believe it" when she discovered how they had spun her father (by now known as "Wacko Jacko") Michael's alleged baby dangling incident, and asked the people staring at her from behind the flashing bulbs and lenses if they knew that she had discovered video footage on EweTube that, in its entirety, shows what really happened that day.

She addressed them all with growing strength and firmness of tone, saying the clip clearly shows her daddy shielding Prince Michael II's face from cameras with a towel, hesitantly but carefully displaying the baby to the crowd far below for a fraction of a second, then retreating inside, coming back to blow a kiss to the crowd before covering his own face with a curtain, indicating the towel he was about to throw down to adoring fans was the same one that had just been covering his 9-month old son's face.

This ackward and highly publicized attempt to connect with his fans prompted headlines from "Mad Bad Dad" (in the Daily Mirror) to "You Lunatic" (in the Sun), and the editor of the Mirror suggested Jacko be arrested for the "negligent" and "reckless endangerment" of his son.

This set the tone for responses to the incident by legitimate news media, said Paris Jackson, noting that the clip was edited before airing, slowed to a couple of frames per second to emphasize the "dangling" part, and sped up during the parts where he lowered and subsequently withdrew the child, making it appear as though he were thrusting the baby downward, then violently retracting him.

She also indicated that the media framed the story further by using words like "dangerous dangling" to describe Jackson's tentative, cautious movements, and the phrase "struggling child" to describe the quite normal squirming of a healthy nine-month old baby.

"And I already know what you're going to say about this, too! You're probably going to say, 'Ohh, it's just terrible the way Jacko's family forced her to talk in front of those people.' You'll never stop twisting things around like that because you're just mean!! And do you know what else?" she asked the throng of reporters and photographers, at which point she launched into another scalding appraisal of the news media.

Apparently making up for eleven years of silence, Paris Jackson went on to address a variety of issues and allegations concerning her departed father and the media's ultimate role in his demise, continuing her blistering critique until well past her bedtime, only stopping early this morning after the lot of them had gone home completely exhausted, at which point she was escorted to a waiting limousine by her remaining family and taken home to bed.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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