Toilet Paper, New Ad Medium

Funny story written by tlmedia

Friday, 10 July 2009

image for Toilet Paper, New Ad Medium
Soon To Have Role As Ad Medium

(AP)-St.Louis, MO: You'll soon have more reading in the bathroom the than a pile of magazines or the newspaper, thanks to a St. Louis based advertising guru. Cyrus Little, CEO of Little, Hope Worldwide announced his international firm will begin selling advertising on the household staple, toilet paper. Making the announcement at a news conference here, Mr. Little said, "This is the new media paradigm for 2010."

Little, Hope Worldwide specializes in rekindling attention to companies in economic trouble and has risen to fame during the current economic woes. "What will make this idea one of the greatest ever is simple. We'll be giving the paper away free. Advertising will pay for it all and millions of American households will save billions of dollars yearly. It's the perfect win-win idea the likes of which the world has never seen, bigger than the internet," Little added. "Look, only about seventy-five percent of American households have computers and access to Web ads, but 90% use "TP" on a daily basis. Five percent are constipated, but they use it at least once a week. The remaining five percent use other means." he explained.

Mr. Little recounted a job he held as a college student, "I worked as a "skimmer' at our local sewerage treatment plant, raking up all the solid matter as the raw sewerage poured in. Wow, did I see a lot of stuff. Shit was number one, followed by condoms, and occasional human body parts. One day I realized there was a lot of toilet paper. A lot. Now I realized paper was popular. After all I used it occasionally. I was amazed, you could say stupefied." he exclaimed.

He held up a roll to let reporters see a variety of sample ads. They included, supermarket weekly specials, car dealerships both new and used, travel agents, doctors, lawyers plus many more businesses. "There isn't a single business that can't benefit from this kind of penetration," Little stressed. "Several national law firms have bought entire rolls. Sweet," he enthused. "But local businesses are welcome too. Here is St. Louis, 'Trusty Smilin Ed's' Used Cars with good old Ed's face right in the middle of the sheet. People love him, they"ll love using him too. Donald Trump has also shown interest. He wants his face anywhere, " Little added.

A young reporter for a North Dakota weekly newspaper asked, "Mr. Little, this sample doesn't make sense. It reads 'emoH larenuF s'remlE' Little replied, "Turn it over boy, " Little suggested. "Oh I get it now," replied the reporter. ' Elmer's Funeral Home', ok, ok, I get it." Turning serious, Little replied, "But you bring up a good point about a major glitch we have to overcome. We are concerned the American public might do the same thing. That really harms the message. It also brings up the old battle of which way to place the roll on the holder - first sheet over, or first sheet under. We're working on that too."

Little, Hope is seeking leading paper makers as partners. "Scott, Cascade Paper and Georgia-Pacific are really hot about it. They make the paper, we sell the ads. Nice and simple. We'll wipe out the competition. They'll have to find a new role," Little concluded.

By Howard Cronkite Jr., AP Summer Intern Advertising Reporter.

The Following Associated Press Summer interns also contributed to this story: Fluffy Lauer, Pinky Wallace, Corky Couric, Taco Rivera & Stoddard "Little Brian" Williams

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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