Al Franken's Arrival Prompts Senate Bible Story Reenactment

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Friday, 10 July 2009

image for Al Franken's Arrival Prompts Senate Bible Story Reenactment
Franken in favor of President Obama's wall, but would have petitioned to install a door.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - And it came to pass today that President Barack Obama entered the Senate Chamber, and two great men did come and stand before him, Senate Majority Leader, Democrat Harry Reid and Senate Minority Leader, Republican Mitch McConnell, who said unto him, "Truly, sir, we are stricken with a problem of the gravest consequence, and cannot work together."

"Yes," explained McConnell, "Our conservative powers once were great, but they have long since weakened nearly seven fold, and even now, the late arrival of Al Franken on the Senate Chamber floor has rent asunder our ability to filibuster, bringing cloture. Surely we should pass no law which might impose a limit on the rights of men, and all their corporations, to do as they see fit. Their liberal laws beget more laws; yet, even now we find ourselves without the means to bring its end."

"We also wish for men and corporations to be free," replied Reid, addressing the President. "But not to waste and squander, to consume, deplete, pollute and ravage, even while amassing greater wealth than one can comprehend; yet, still do they refuse to let it trickle down unto the masses. Yea, in short, they're being asses."

"I do believe that this is still America, don't you?" queried McConnell. "Did not men die protecting freedom for us all? And did Our Father grant us not free will? To force our people and our corporations to be nice is not American, and passing laws of such a sort is playing God, you see?"

"Yet still, we have the Supermajority!" exclaimed Reed. "Surely we will force you to be nice!"

"Oh no you won't!" McConnell shouted back.

"Verily, I say unto thee; there is a kernel of truth in the words both of you have spoken," said President Obama, directing his gaze now at President Pro Tempore, Democrat Robert C. Byrd, asking him, "What say you of this?"

Byrd did then reportedly pronounce that, a three-fifths Supermajority decree having long since gone out from the Capitol thereof, the situation had already been adequately resolved to his great satisfaction.

Then he pointed at the President of the Senate, Democrat Joseph R. Biden, Jr. saying, "Truly the lips of this one are loose, babbling endlessly like the brook; yet he too has been unable to resolve this conflict, master."

And President Obama said, "Very well, then. Bring me a construction crew." So they brought a construction crew before the President.

And President Obama said, "Divide the Senate Chamber in two parts; give three-fifths to these people, and two-fifths to the rest. You on the left side may force each other to be nice; and those of you on the right side are free, even to be as evil as you wish."

Now the people on the left side did rejoice saying, "Yes, yes!! Divide the Senate Chamber!" They knew that, if everyone could be made to treat each other fairly, even if things were not perfect, and even though it would cost a whole lot of money, at least most of the 300,000,000 people who call America home would still have a decent chance to pursue happiness.

But the men on the right side did grumble, suddenly not trusting one another behind this new wall. It began to dawn on them that if everybody actually was free to do anything at all with no restrictions, with nobody to take control if things got out of hand, life could get even nastier, more brutish, and shorter than they dared to imagine, full of bloodthirsty militias, eventually maybe even becoming as bad as the Book of Revelations has suggested, with world wars on unimaginable new scales, and ecological crises like global warming threatening floods, famine, pestilence and plagues.

Thereupon they did say unto President Obama, "O my lord, by no means build this wall! We will allow some regulation; surely we will finally compromise!"

So the President answered and said, "Give this party, the Democratic Party, the Supermajority, and by no means restrict it, for they are in control... for now. The American people have spoken."

"And all [America] heard the judgement [President Obama] had rendered; and many feared [the President], for they saw that the wisdom of God was in him to administer justice." - I Kings 3:28.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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