Former French President Sues US Government for Louisiana Territory

Funny story written by Philbert of Macadamia

Friday, 10 July 2009

image for Former French President Sues US Government for Louisiana Territory
"President Jefferson, the Louisiana Territory is yours."

New Orleans LA: The ACLU has brought a suit here in federal district court, claiming US President Thomas Jefferson's purchase of the Louisiana Territory from France in 1803 was unconstitutional. The ACLU is representing former French President Jacques Chirac.

The case of Chirac Vs USA is expected to be heard shortly. Due to the importance of this case US Attorney General Eric Holder will be representing the USA, rather than the federal district attorney.

The ACLU argument is that the US Constitution does not contain any provisions for acquiring territory. Mr. Holder will be countering, that President Jefferson purchased Louisiana from Emperor Napoleon because France and Spain had the sea power to block American trade access to the port of New Orleans.

Nicolas Sarkozy, the current president of France, who has friendly relations with the USA, said "this suit does not serve France's interests." President Sarkozy has filed a friend of the court brief, siding with the USA. He and former French President Chirac, who is anti-American, were heard having heated words. The argument was over Emperor Chirac having already leased a house in the French Quarter of New Orleans.

If the USA loses here in district court, the case will be appealed all the way up to the US Supreme Court. In the unlikely event that the nine justices rule in favor of former French President Chirac, the Obama administration must cede back all or part of 14 states encompassing 828,800 square miles.

Furthermore, in the event of a judicial loss, the residents of Arkansas, Missouri, Iowa, Oklahoma, Kansas, Nebraska, Minnesota, Louisiana, Mississippi, North Dakota, South Dakota, New Mexico, Montana, Wyoming and Colorado must learn to speak French! US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is considering requesting French passports be issued from Paris to the residents of the affected 23% of the USA.

All is not dismal, as it seems there is light at the end of the tunnel, according to US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. The $15 million paid to Emperor Napoleon for the Louisiana Territory in 1803 must be returned to the USA treasury, at a compound interest rate of 7% per year. Former French President Jacques Chirac or the French government needs to "pony up" $17 trillion.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy said "no way, all sales are final!" US President Obama commented "I can pay off the National Debt, cover the cost of health care for all Americans that are not speaking French, pay for Cap and Trade and have a little left over to give to Congress."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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