Cowell In Hit Squad Revelation
It has been uncovered that Herr Simon Cowell has his own hit squad of mercenary hitmen, which kill and maim close family members of future contestants who will star on his hit karaoke show "Pliant" or on his other show "Choose your favourite Swan".
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UFC Fighter Diego Sanchez Makes 'Excellent' Silly Faces
(Defecated News) Following his spectacular battering by MMA-God BJ Penn last Saturday, Diego 'Nightmare' Sanchez seems to have forgotten the fight is over. Sanchez was immediately admitted into Nevada's Care Home For Victims Of BJ, after having lo...
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Reasons to admire Oliver Cromwell
1. He is heterosexual 2. He hates Christmas, and had it made illegal in the 1600s 3. He doesn't speak like a pansy 4. Americans hate him - Americans being the very people that the British deported permanently, for being pansies 5. He never dyed his hair, and had his portrait painted 'warts and all' 6. He didn't hang around faghag pop stars 7. He doesn't sound like Kenneth William...
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Tiger's massive libido down to human growth hormone
Orlando, Fla - (Gonads): Sex-crazed golfing champ Tiger Woods doubled the size of his manhood overnight after just one shot of human growth hormone. Reports from Canada today suggested that sports injuries specialist Dr Tony Galea originally presc...
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New Australian sport deemed "Inappropriate"
PE Teachers all over the world had a little chuckle this morning after reading about the brand new sport of "Talking Dirty". Invented by 24 college students, talking Dirty is a costly, yet fun pastime for wimps who enjoy being naked and hate spor...
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Tiger sex scandal: Oral Roberts drops dead from shock!
California - (Canny Linguist): Ten days media saturation of Tiger Woods shagging filth has proved too much for crusading tv proselytizer Oral Roberts. He dropped dead during a news broadcast about a lurid sex act between Tiger Woods and Orlando fu...
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Joe Lieberman says: "Judas got It right"
There was much angst in the Democratic caucus last night after Senator Joe Lieberman effectively killed the health care bill. In a late night appearance before the caucus, Senator Joe Lieberman in an outspoken moment said to the caucus: "What...
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X-factor's Cheryl Cole says "No" to Joe McElderry offer
Cheryl Cole has said "No" to a hopeful offer from Joe McElderry. Joe was left devastated when the Girls aloud singer said she didn't have time over Christmas to join forces with him to help fight Art Crime in the North East. She wouldn't even help J...
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Joe Simpson Defends His Daughters Ashlee & Jessica: They Are Not As Stupid As They Appear!
Apparently, Joe Simpson felt the need to defend his daughters, Ashlee and Jessica, from the media saying they're always made to look like failures. "Just because they sometimes...well, often, act like a couple of dinks just means that our family i...
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Nelson Mandela To Obama: My Nobel Peace Prize Kicks Your Nobel Peace Prize's Ass!
Former President of South Africa and Nobel Peace Prize winner, when it WAS a Peace Prize, Nelson Mandela said today that Barack Obama didn't do shit to deserve his award. "You think you're hot shit", a source close to Mandela states that the anti-...
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The "Banana Wars" are now officially over and the Monkees won!
The "Banana Wars" in Europe, Africa and South America have been going on since 16 years (longer than WW1 and WW2 together) and at last peace has been officially declared. The wars started off when wicked, evil banana conglomerates attempted to ste...
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More 'Climategate' emails released - fresh scandal erupts
Ever since the 'Climategate' scandal broke in mid-November, many have noted that the e-mails and associated computer codes and files appear to have been 'cherry-picked'. That is to say, they are not a random sample of correspondence. 'Someone spe...
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Willy Wanker and the Chocolate Shit Factory - Part 3
Previous Chapters: Part 1| Part 2 Part 3 Charlie comes home and enters a strangely dark room. "I'm back", he says half-heartedly. "Surprise!", comes the reply as his family leap out wearing party hats and his mother at the front holding a lump of shite she baked. "Happy birthday, son! We all pooled our excrement to make this homemade chocolate log", she says offering it to him.
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Horny Newcastle (GB) pair cause neighbour to wear deaf-aid due to their extremely loud sex sessions!
A horny couple in Newcastle who breached their ASBO (anti-social behaviour order for our US friends!) by continuing to have extremely loud sex sessions have caused their neighbour deafness in one ear and now she has to wear a deaf-aid (WHAT d'ye say...
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Tiger Woods To Temporarily Give Up Golf, Try Acting Role With Elin In Reality Movie
It's the hottest story of the year and now it may be made into a movie from both the view of Tiger Woods and his wife plus some other people involved! That's the latest in the Tiger Woods saga. Turning the whole sideshow into a movie may sound st...
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Ann Coulter and Meghan McCain Are Going At It Again!
PONTIAC, Michigan - Ann Coulter in town addressing the members of The GOP Michigan Muffler Makers Federation at their annual convention said that she is only one percent happy with President Obama. When asked what the one percent is, the GOPrinces...
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Polar bear saying he can swim 70 miles across the Arctic quite easily annoys Greenlies
Middle-class charity Greenlies was a tad irritated today when a polar bear claimed he could swim 70 miles across the Arctic Ocean quite easily, and before breakfast. 'We sit here on our melting ice floes', he said from a melting ice floe near Amo...
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Louis Farrakhan predicts Tiger conversion to Islam
New York - (Bigamists Anonymous): The Nation of Islam mouthpiece told a packed audience today he believes Tiger Woods will ditch his buddhism 'very soon' and convert like Cassius Clay. "Fornicatin with apostate hos is a grave spiritual error," Far...
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Tiger Woods - "I Found Love In Susan Boyle's Breasts"
(Defecated News) Times recently have been very hard for golfing legend Tiger Woods. The world was worried after his shit, womanly driving caused him to drive into a pole, and smash his face in. Nobody had any idea about what story was to unfold as a...
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Gore: I will speak in Pig Latin If Palin Speaks In Tongues At Climate Debate
As Al Gore was preparing to board a commercial fight from Memphis to Washington, DC yesterday a reporter caught up with him to ask about his reaction to Sarah Palin saying she would debate him on climate change but would speak in tongues. Accordi...
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X-Factor's Cheryl Cole Will Return, Dannii Minogue Will Be Gone
LONDON - The producer of the extremely popular reality show X-Factor, Agustus Whittingstall, has released a statement that of the two female judges, the very pretty and sexy Cheryl Cole will be returning next season, but the very pretty and sexy Dann...
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Gordon Brown :- "My affair with Tiger Woods"
Beleaguered Prime Minister Gordon Brown claimed yesterday that he too had had an affair with Tiger Woods. Speaking from No.10 yesterday the Prime Minister said he did not know if Tiger was really in love with him but their passionate affair lasted...
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Spoof Writers 'Shocked and Appalled" at Skoob's 1000th Story
Expecting a higher quality and more prolific effort for the Skoob's milestone storyline, Spoof writers threaten to give the story only one star in retaliation for having their hopes and dreams crushed. "He actually did a puff piece about Miley Cyr...
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Carry On Willie Part Zzzz
A timeless piece of adolescent dross gets the harpoon from 'a real writer'. Who is over 12. Part 1. As boredom descends upon all satirists reading this after only one second, a young - not ancient - boy makes his way homewards to home, and dances gaily (not ye olde correct spellingk gayleye) amongst the puddles of sewerage that have somehow escaped the Victorian sewerage system to land on the r...
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Busted sports injuries doc in Tiger Woods Actovegin probe
Canada - (Propofool): "They're purely homeopathetic medications," Tiger Woods' knee injury consultant Dr Tony Galea commented today on allegations he imported a banned substance. The sports injuries specialist was speaking to reporters about his O...
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Bill Clinton and UK TV anchor Moira Stuart 'have duped the world about Tiger nativity'
London - (Reuterus): "Totally preposterous rubbish" is how one golfing expert put it today commenting on the latest Tiger Woods scandal story. This claims that Afro-Carribean TV newsreader Moira Stuart and Bill Clinton have spoofed the world about...
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Reasons To Admire Simon Cowell.
* He wears the same crap, but always looks good in it * He's a heavy smoker. After each act, he goes out for one (I've seen it!) * He tends to have hot chicks around him * He made music for Zig and Zag * He's fucking loaded * He's as sharp as a fucking chef's knife. Fellas - learn from him * He makes life difficult for Louis and Cheryl * Everyone is a little shit-scared of him. Be honest!...
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Cheryl Cole - Reasons She Will Never Stop Being A Chav
1. She wore a stupid skull number when visiting pikie capital South Shields 2. She dresses likea 14 year old girl who's just been shopping for herself for the 1st time 3. She beats up other women in nightclubs 4. She married a footballer - a totally cheap & chavvy thing to do 5. She has a stupid accent that you cannot take seriously. 6. She can't sing, and is only famous for hav...
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Theresa Rogers: Tiger needs taming into conjugal fidelity
Wellington, Fla - (Rutting): "Dispelling ingrained mythology about the Caucasian clitoris? "Ranks as one of my greatest achievements!" latest Tiger Woods wannabe-mistress, forty-something South Florida dominatrix Theresa Rogers, said today.
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Al Qaeda Advent Calendar
The British government has warned parents to check their advent calendars in the run up to Christmas, because it is believed that Al Qaeda have planted high explosives in the twenty-fifth door of thousands of innocent looking advent calendars across...
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Copenhagen summit adopts Dylan song 'A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall'
To try and make the Copenhagen summit seem important, the organisers adopted a Bob Dylan song to publicise it. These are the lyrics: 'Oh, where have you been, my brown-eyed son? And where have you been, my insincere one? I've stumbled trying to pay lots of Arab oil salesmen I've walked and I've crawled to sell arms to Jerusalem My country has destroyed many sad rain forests I've been...
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Brangelina files lawsuit against Tiger hooker Loredana Jolie
Orlando, Fla - (Reuterus): "A gratuitous abuse of the Jolie surname," attorney-at-law Sharke E Blinkenshyster commented today. "Ms Loredana Jolie - that's French for 'pretty' - has dragged my clients' name into a sordid circus of spiralling marita...
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Cocktail Waitress Julie Postle - Yet Another Tiger Tigress Comes Out
HOUSTON - The latest "Golf Gate Girl" to come on out of the woodwork is Julie Postle who presently lives in Houston, Texas. The 26-year-old Postle first met "TigerMan" when she was working as a cocktail waitress at The Rockin' Rocky Rock 'n' Roll...
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Kanye West's Next Rap Song Titled "Tiger Woods, The Woodman He Sho Be Tappin' Some Fancy Prime Rib Uh Huh"
BROOKLYN - The somewhat forgotten rap artist Kanye West flew into Brooklyn from California to record his next rap single. The song written by noted rap writers Alzavon "Chump Change" Rigoletts and Malik "Afro-Sheen" La Salle is titled, "Tiger Wood...
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Tiger Woods Claims Women Tricked Him.
Las Vegas- Tiger Woods issued a statement earlier today claiming he was the victim of racial profiling by the women who have claimed to have been lovers with the golf pro. Woods who is staying in a condo during what he calls, "a horrible mix...
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Hugh Hefner To Showcase Holly Sampson, Jamie Jungers, and Jamie Grubbs In His Magazine
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Girly magazine magnate Hugh Hefner has just announced that he asked three of Tiger Wood's "Golf Gate Girls" to appear in his magazine. He said that all three agreed to do the layout spread which is titled, "The Hole-In-One Honeys.
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Al Gore Releases Statement On Global Warming.
Bermuda Triangle- Al Gore today released a press statement pointing the cause of global warming to an overlooked culprit. "Today the scientific community has rallied together to to try and save humanity in this our final hour." said Mr.Gore...
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Heather Mills: I Kicked Paul's Ass In One-Legged Contest
Heather Mills, the former Mrs. Paul McCartney, told reporters yesterday that the winner in the one-legged ass-kicking contest was she. "I got over $20 million in the settlement despite Sir Paul having most of the public and the big political clout...
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Miley Cyrus Glad She's Not Being Hammered
A smiley Miley Cyrus has told a source that she is very thankful that she is not getting hammered this past month! With all the big news items over the past three or four weeks, Miley Cyrus says she's had a breather and is ready for some press cov...
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A-Rod and Kate Hudson's Relationship "Strikes Out!"
MIAMI - New York Yankee superstar Alex Rodriguez, 34, and Hollywood actress Kate Hudson, 30, have both 'struck out.' The once happy couple has 'gone down swinging.' A-Rod and K-Hud are heading back to the dugout with their timber in their hands.
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Obama confused
US bigshot Baz Obama has admitted to being totally confused by shit. He is trying to work out how being born in Kenya as a British citizen he ended up as President of the Useless States of America. Whilst pondering this one of his secret service p...
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Florida's Theresa Rogers - The Latest Tiger Woods "Scorecard Cutey Club" Member
WELLINGTON, Florida - Foreeeee! And the ongoing "Golf Gate" soap opera continues to churn. The latest charter member of the "Scorecard Cutey Club" is 40 something Theresa Rogers, no relation to Roy or Mister. Rogers is unique from the other "Go...
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Aussie, Chinese Yell, "Hurry up and Shag!"
ADELAIDE, AUSTRALIA- In a major effort to increase the Chinese Panda's population, Australian and Chinese officials met at the Adelaide zoo yesterday to urge the Panda's to have sexual relations. "Hurry up and shag!" Governor General, Quentin Bryc...
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Leona Lewis Wants The Man Who Punched Her Sent To Texas
LONDON - Last year's X-Factor winner Leona Lewis who was recently attacked at a London book signing event says that she is still devastated by the horrendous assault. The 24-year-old Lewis is glad that the individual who assaulted her at The Golde...
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Robert Pattinson And Miley Cyrus Guest At Bonkettes Hollywood Bowl Gig
It was the hottest ticket in tinseltown, the legendary girl band the Bonkettes live at the Hollywood Bowl. It was chaos from the start as the girls took the stage, only to be bombarded by a blizzard of soiled underwear by their adoring legions of...
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Santa's Naughty List Hacked
Point Barrow, AK - (Rudolph's News Service) The ET (Elvish Technology) Service reported that the mainframe at the North Pole had been hacked earlier today. Items removed from the computer system designed by O. McDonald and Sons featuring E.I.E.I.O (E...
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BT Issue Warning - Do Not Dial 999 And Ask For The Bonkettes
Leading British Telecommunications company, BT, today advised customers to only call 999 in cases of genuine emergency, and not to ask for the latest updates on chart topping girl band, the Bonkettes. A spokesman, who was female judging by the lad...
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Local Man Completely Effs Up Prawn Curry
Determined to impress his better half, local man, Martin Shuttlecock decided to cook her a prawn curry for her enjoyment when she arrived home from work. Initially, all went well. The prawns were purchased fresh from a local fishmonger and Shuttle...
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Fatalities in protest over solar power
COPENHAGEN - At the international Climate Summit in Copenhagen, advocates of global cooling clashed with advocates of solar power, resulting in at least 43 deaths and the hospitalization of 18 others. Outside the Climate Summit, members of the Coo...
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