Leona Lewis Wants The Man Who Punched Her Sent To Texas

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 15 December 2009


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People who were waiting outside The Golden Fig Leaf Bookstore to buy Leona Lewis' book the day she was attacked.

LONDON - Last year's X-Factor winner Leona Lewis who was recently attacked at a London book signing event says that she is still devastated by the horrendous assault.

The 24-year-old Lewis is glad that the individual who assaulted her at The Golden Fig Leaf Bookstore has been captured and is currently in jail.

Peter Kowalczyk, (pronounced KUH-Lah-CHEE, like the fruit and jam filled bun) said that he does not recall striking Miss Lewis, being in the book store, or even eating an order of Chicken McNuggets at a nearby McDonald's on the day of the assault.

When Mr. Kowalczyk was shown a video of the incident, he replied that it was not him, because the guy in the video was wearing a green pullover shirt and he does not own a green shirt.

Mr. K, for short, stated that he has several blue pullover shirts, red pullover shirts, and a gray pullover shirt, but no green ones.

He was also shown several photographs that book store patrons took of him at the exact moment that he struck Miss Lewis. Mr. K. pointed out that the man in the photos has a moustache and he does not have a moustache.

London police have stated that they have isolated Mr. Kowalczyk to keep him from pissing off the other jailees with his stories of how he and Queen Elizabeth are really first cousins, and how he co-wrote the Beatle song "Here Comes The Sun" with John Lennon and Paul McCartney.

When told that Peter Kowalczyk will stand trial for the unprovoked attack Miss Lewis became very distraught. She said that she did not want to be anywhere near the animal.

Miss Lewis' attorney Alfred Manfred Havengore told the BBC that Leona Lewis has expressed to him that she would much rather prefer that Peter Kowalczyk just be extradited to Texas and be done with him.

SIDENOTE: Texas Governor Rick Perry received an email from London magistrate authorities asking if he would be willing to take over custody of Mr. Peter Kowalczyk. The Texas governor emailed the magistrate authorities immediately with the following message, "Are you effen kidding me, hell yes! send the no good, woman-hittin' piece-of chupacabra shit over here to Texas and I will certainly introduce the son-of-a-bitch to my good old friend 'Sparky.'"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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